Arnold's bid for total recall puts conservatives in bind (ROEPER ALERT)

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | August 7, 2003 | RICHARD "DOPEY" ROEPER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

[Chi-townChief]

Seven columns for the price of one: Like just about everyone in the media, I was stunned by Arnold Schwarzenegger's announcement Wednesday evening that he WILL be a candidate for governor of California after all. I really thought that if Ah-nold was going to become "The Running Man," he wouldn't have done it via a taped appearance on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." Kudos to Leno for getting the scoop, but why didn't Arnold opt for a live announcement and press conference with wall-to-wall coverage, held at a more deadline-friendly hour in a more serious venue?

But now I have a question for all the conservatives, in California and across the nation, who believe Schwarzenegger will make a fine candidate: If you think this actor's views should be taken seriously, then you must agree that the opinions of Sean Penn, George Clooney, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon should be heard and respected as well, right? Because if your answer is "no," that would mean you want to hear only from those Hollywood figures whose opinions agree with yours--which sounds rather un-American to me.

***

Just hours after Kobe Bryant was arraigned Wednesday on charges of sexually assaulting a teenage girl, Fox broadcast a taped version of last Saturday's Teen Choice Awards, with former Laker Girl Paula Abdul presenting the trophy and Kobe's wife flashing a $4 million ring and Huggy Bear's old hat. In a calculated and cynical move, Kobe wore a T-shirt bearing Muhammad Ali's image and an oversized cross, and mangled a Birmingham jail quote from Martin Luther King. The crowd squealed its approval, giving Bryant the loudest and longest ovation of the night. Because, you know, he's a martyr.

So even as Fox News was rehashing the arraignment on Wednesday evening, the Fox Network was broadcasting a Kobe moment that made it seem like the whole Colorado nightmare never happened. Put a picture-in-picture moment like that in a screenplay and you'll be rewritten out of Hollywood.

Card those Olsen sisters!

Another strange note regarding the Teen Choice Awards: USA Today noted that actress Tara Reid is trying to tone down her party image, but "the evening's host, David Spade, didn't help matters by warning Reid during the show to steer clear of the mock cocktail bar erected on the stage."

I don't really care about Tara Reid's attempts to sweeten her image--I just hope she consents to do "Body Shots II" some day--but does anybody else find it odd that there'd be a "mock cocktail bar on the stage" at something called the Teen Choice Awards? Hello!

***

Memo to the editorial cartoonists of the world: I love the creativity you show in your work, but the next time a celebrity dies and you're thinking about doing a drawing of God or St. Peter greeting the celeb at the gates of heaven, hmmm, maybe not. It's been done about a million times by now. (Not to mention the fact that some of these famous folks hardly led ticket-to-heaven lives.)

Thanks for your consideration.

***

I'm trying to decide which car commercial is more annoying--the one that uses Journey's "Anyway You Want It" or the one that goes with Bachman Turner Overdrive's "Let It Ride," two songs that are the monster-rock equivalent of Freddy Krueger's fingernails scraping a giant chalkboard.

Ah, let's just call it a tie. In hell.

Hold on, I'm flushing.

My columns about people who wield their cell phones as tools of obnoxious behavior continue to yield observations from readers, including some who have noticed an increasing number of restroom patrons who gab on their phones even as they do their business.

I've seen that too. Walk into the men's room in any casino in Las Vegas and you're almost certain to encounter a guy who looks like a bit player on "The Sopranos," standing at the urinal with the cell phone cupped on his shoulder as he says, "Yeah, Vinnie, it's Jimmy, I'm at the place now. So are we going to meet those broads at the bar or go straight to the strip club? What? Hold on a second, I gotta flush...."

Just something to keep in mind the next time someone says, "Your battery is dead? That's OK, you can use my phone."

***

News item: With a $50,000 bid in a charity auction, NBC sports honcho Dick Ebersol gets to learn who Carly Simon was singing about in her 1972 hit, "You're So Vain"--but he has to sign a confidentiality agreement promising to keep the secret forever. Over the years, the candidates mentioned most often have been Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger and Simon's ex-husband James Taylor--but this column has learned exclusively that Simon was actually writing about the late Fred Gwynne, best known as Herman on "The Munsters." Who knew?

Kidding. Actually, it was Archie Andrews, lead singer of the Archies, best known for "Sugar, Sugar." It's going to kill Ebersol that he can't reveal this to anyone!

mailto:rroeper@suntimes.com

[Impy]

Yeah, I just enjoy sharing my vast knowledge!!!!!! ;-)

I just saw him (Tom Arnold) on Hannity and T-Rex (Colmes) and he supports Ah-nold. He said he considers Ah-nold to be a democrat like him.