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J. LO AND BEN FLEE ANGRY U.S.
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Posted on 08/04/2003 8:59:52 AM PDT by Sir Gawain
J. LO AND BEN FLEE ANGRY U.S.
$25 Million Bounty Offered for ‘Gigli’ Perpetrators
Just hours after the release of their mega-bomb “Gigli,” embattled stars Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck fled the U.S. fearing retribution from furious moviegoers, officials confirmed today.
While the government acknowledged that it was unsure of the annoying couple’s whereabouts, it announced that it was offering a $25 million bounty for information leading to the eventual capture of the “Gigli” co-stars.
The $25 million amount is particularly significant, observers noted, because it is likely to exceed the ultimate box-office grosses for the much-pilloried movie release.
President Bush made the decision to authorize the bounty offer after a closed-door screening of “Gigli” at the White House Friday night with his top national security advisors.
“The search for a weapon of mass destruction is over,” Mr. Bush said gravely after seeing the film.
When told that Mr. Affleck and Ms. Lopez may have other co-starring vehicles in the pipeline, Mr. Bush said, “Do not – I repeat – do not bring ‘em on.”
The “Gigli” catastrophe is already casting a long shadow on the California gubernatorial race, as activists renewed calls for a ballot initiative to ban real-life Hollywood couples from appearing together in major motion pictures.
The political movement, which began in 1986 with the release of the Sean Penn-Madonna fiasco “Shanghai Surprise” and gathered steam in 1999 with the Tom Cruise-Nicole Kidman turkey “Eyes Wide Shut,” now seems to be attaining critical mass thanks to “Gigli.”
On Sunday, gubernatorial hopeful Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed never to make a film with wife Maria Shriver and called upon Governor Gray Davis to make a similar pledge.
TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
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To: Billthedrill; Cyber Liberty; dead; Victoria Delsoul; Fiddlstix; Focault's Pendulum; glock rocks; ...
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2
posted on
08/04/2003 9:00:38 AM PDT
by
Sir Gawain
(I'm honored to be important enough to be stalked by you)
To: Sir Gawain
“The search for a weapon of mass destruction is over,” Mr. Bush said gravely after seeing the film..."
It's official- this flicks a bomb!
3
posted on
08/04/2003 9:05:26 AM PDT
by
MaryFromMichigan
(God made us Freepers, Prozac made us friends.)
To: Sir Gawain
Based on the "Gigli" attendance figures I have seen, "furious moviegoers" might comprise three or four individuals.
So they don't have that much to worry about.
4
posted on
08/04/2003 9:05:55 AM PDT
by
NV_Chuck
To: Sir Gawain
One focus-group form (
courtesy the Onion).
5
posted on
08/04/2003 9:06:33 AM PDT
by
Petronski
(I'm not always cranky.)
To: Sir Gawain
All hype of course.
Leftist media don't want you to see the best movie ever made.
6
posted on
08/04/2003 9:08:46 AM PDT
by
tallhappy
To: Sir Gawain
LOL ... I figured it had to be The Onion ...
7
posted on
08/04/2003 9:14:11 AM PDT
by
Bobby777
To: Sir Gawain
The answer is in, "How low can you go?" J Lo. She's picked up an Aflaction and it's series.
To: Sir Gawain
Most reliable lead was contributed by Martin Brest, director of Gigli, who commented "Sorry, Jen....its just business. I have bills to pay."
As heard on CNBC - Gigli is French for Ishtar.
10
posted on
08/04/2003 9:26:21 AM PDT
by
Bob
To: NV_Chuck
I was thinking the same thing. This movie has been so poorly panned by all movie critics that any moviegoer has only themselves to blame for wasting time on this tripe.
11
posted on
08/04/2003 9:29:40 AM PDT
by
Blzbba
To: Bob
LOL ... the trailers are awful ... but I'll admit I haven't seen the movie ...
12
posted on
08/04/2003 9:30:15 AM PDT
by
Bobby777
To: Bob
"As heard on CNBC - Gigli is French for Ishtar. "
It's also Latin for "Howard the Duck"...
13
posted on
08/04/2003 9:31:01 AM PDT
by
Blzbba
To: Blzbba
oh my ... you HAD to say that? ... we let a friend pick out two movies one night ... she got "Howard the Duck" AND an "Ernest" film ... while Jim Varney (RIP) was hilarious in commercials, a whole movie was a no-no ...
Honorable mention might go to Dolph Lundgren for "Red Scorpion" ...
14
posted on
08/04/2003 9:40:23 AM PDT
by
Bobby777
To: Sir Gawain
The only question is which is shorter, the theater-run of Gigli or one of J-Lo's marriages?
15
posted on
08/04/2003 9:42:28 AM PDT
by
dfwgator
To: Sir Gawain
The wife went to see it this weekend with a friend. I asked the friend why she wanted to see it knowing all the nasty reviews it had received. She figured the critics were always panning movies that she enjoyed so why not?
She didn't get an argument from me on that. Look how wrong they were when Smokey and the Bandit came out and they panned that one unmercifully! But then again, Smokey and the Bandit was for a more mature audience...
16
posted on
08/04/2003 9:51:42 AM PDT
by
Hatteras
(The Thundering Herd Of Turtles ROCK!)
To: Hatteras
Someboby over the weekend named this the Worst Film of the Century.
17
posted on
08/04/2003 9:53:15 AM PDT
by
Howlin
To: Bob
LOL! The other day they were playing Ishtar on cable. That's how bad cable has gotten.
To: Howlin
How can they say that? It already on cable.
LOL, just kidding...
To: DoughtyOne
Honest, they did! They said it made Hudson Hawk and Ishtar look like Academy Award winners!
20
posted on
08/04/2003 10:16:05 AM PDT
by
Howlin
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