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August 1 - Viagra not working. Must call Barney Frank to see if he has any tips.

August 2 - Visited Custer State Park for '04 Victory Strategy Session with Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis. These guys sure know alot about winning.

August 3 - Spent day on phone with Rev. Al discussing his proposal for renaming the Black Hills as the "Hills of Alternative Color."

August 4 - Even though Viagra not working, heard Rush Limbaugh call me a Big D*ck today on the radio. If only he knew.

August 5 - Visited Mt. Rushmore. Bill Clinton wants his likeness added. May appropriate money to name restrooms at the park after him instead.

August 6 - Phone call with Nancy Pelosi did what Viagra couldn't, particularly when she described the thong she was wearing.

August 11 - Got lost for five days on the Mickelson Trail...there is a metaphor here somewhere.

August 12 - Got wasted at the Crazy Horse Casino with Teddy Kennedy. Had to stop him from performing unnatural acts with the slot machine. Then again, maybe Sandra Day O'Connor would have found it to be constitutional.

August 13-20 - Spent week handing out coats and firewater in exchange for votes next year. Isn't it great to watch Native Americans participate in the Democratic process?

August 21-24 - Held town hall meetings for the geezers at the Hiawatha Room of the Rapid City Motel 6. Just call me Pander Bear.

August 25 - Told Terry McAuliffe to STFU. Refused to go bail out Gray Davis in California with the Clintons.

August 26 - Bought new lift shoes. Hope no one notices the 4" heals.

August 27 - Practiced being smarmy.

August 28-31 Press conferences to denounce Bush for taking a vacation. Two shakedown meetings/fundraisers with wife's lobbying clients. They want votes, they better pony up the wampum.

August 1 - Viagra not working. Must call Barney Frank to see if he has any tips.

Tips ? Well, I better rephrase that.

August 26 - Bought new lift shoes. Hope no one notices the 4" heals.

I am sure Barney will !

July 27th - It's true I guess. Uday and Qusay are really dead. It's the most terrible thing this month that could happen to our cause. I just hope some other terrorist attack happens before the election or I'm toast. I hear rumors that our plan with the ~~indians~~ Native Americans might be in some trouble. I really don't want to shell out any more bail money. I visited the strip club where many of my voters live and found only leather boys. Oh well, I guess you'll have to go with what you got (story of my life.) I just hope the bruises heal before my wife gets home.

July 31st - Da*ned economy, why doesn't it just tank like we planned. If something bad doesn't happen to America soon we may not be around next year to discuss it. Maybe we can get some taxes raised (for the U.S. only not my "friends" here in good old Dakota of course.)

August 1 - Viagra is still not working, took a double dose today but then Hillary came on TV. I had trouble just finding it. On the other hand, the check from France came in today. Maybe I can call Al buddy and get his contact for Mr Morden. Those guys really give me the creeps but I could really use their money. Any price is worth it. If I lose my seat, Pelosi will have my heads. On the other hand, that could be fun.

LOL. Sounds about right. But Dass-hole won't even be writing his own diary. It will be some PC clown.

August 1: My secretary broke a nail. I felt so bad for her, I told her to take the rest of the day off and handed her ballet tickets. Then a homeless man came to pay a visit. One of my staffers, who I will not name, tried to turn him away, but I insisted on seeing him. The poor man hadn't had access to a shower for months. He looked to be African American / Chinese, and he told me he was gay and a member of the Tree Sitters. He had recently been beaten by someone who looks surprisingly like William F. Buckley. I told the man to forgive him and gave him my ham sandwitch. I went hungry until that evening....