The End of Ugly and Queasy

L.T. SMASH

LIVE FROM THE SANDBOX

23 July 2003

The End of Ugly and Queasy

It must have been some childhood. Growing up with Saddam as your Dad, if you got into an argument with another kid you could always say, “Oh, yeah? Well my Dad can throw your Dad in the dungeon and rip out his fingernails one by one!” And it would be true!

Birthdays and Father’s Day must have been pretty tricky, however. What gift do you buy for the supreme dictator of a nation floating on a sea of oil? And it better be good, too, because Dad has a bad temper…

Can you imagine the sibling rivalries these two must have had?

“Dad likes me better, he’s gonna let me torture the Olympic Team!”

“Oh, yeah? Well he said I could run the Elite Republican Guard! I’m gonna invade Kuwait one day, and then you’ll see who’s his favorite!”

“Well… well, I get to be the boss of the Fedayeen! Yeah, and we’re gonna terrorize the whole country and make everyone worship us!”

“Fedayeen? What a bunch of pansies! I’m gonna run the Ba’ath Party Militia!”

“So what? I get to have my own newspaper, and they’ll write whatever I want... and I’ll control all of the newspapers in the country. Yeah!”

“Newspapers? Uday, you’re such a dork!”

Ah, boys and their silly childhood dreams…

Uday did grow up to be quite a little sadist, just like Dad. He often had his bodyguards pick up young women off the streets of Baghdad, so he could have some playmates. When people upset him, he would invite them to go for a swim in his acid bath.

But Uday’s temper got the best of him, and he lost favor with hid Daddy after he beat one of Saddam’s favorite bodyguards to death with a club at one of his Baghdad Society parties. He was banished to Switzerland for a couple of years as punishment.

Uday developed a taste for luxury automobiles, exotic animals, Cuban cigars, fine wine, and heroin.

Qusay also followed in Saddam’s footsteps, leading such programs as the extermination of the Shiite opposition in southern Iraq, including the draining of 3200 square miles of marshland where many Shiites made their home.

Qusay also ran Iraq’s notorious prison system, and took care of overcrowding problems by launching a program of arbitrary executions. His favorite method was to run prisoners through industrial shredding machines, feet first.

In the aftermath of the disastrous war in Kuwait, the United Nations helped the boys start a new enterprise: the Oil for Food Program. You remember, the one that was supposed to use all of Iraq’s oil revenue to purchase food and medicine for the poor Iraqi masses who were suffering under those evil sanctions? The program that was controlled personally by UN Secretary General Kofi Annan?

They laundered billions of dollars through that program, building lavish palaces and stashing the cash in the shed.

But after the war, the boys had to run and hide. They were successful, for a time, but yesterday the man in whose house they were staying decided to cash them in for a cool $15 mil each.

Wouldn’t you?

They refused to surrender, so the Army brought in the heavy artillery. Fortunately, when it was all over there was still enough of their bodies left to identify.

It’s true that they weren’t the nicest of boys, but we don’t want to be vindictive. We understand that local traditions demand that they be buried as soon as is practical, and we’re willing to turn what's left of the boys over for proper disposal.

But we don’t want their bodies to be defiled by Iraqis seeking retribution, so we’ll just hold on to them until their Dad comes to pick them up—and allows us to express our sincere condolences. They’ll be at the ~~Saddam~~ Baghdad International Airport until then.

Drop by anytime, Saddam. We’ll be waiting for you.

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