Why we cheat - ( Women )

New York Post ^ | July 13, 2003 | Susan Edelman

[UnklGene]

WHY WE CHEAT

By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.

July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."

Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.

And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.

In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.

"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.

Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.

"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.

But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.

"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.

Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."

Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."

Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.

Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.

"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."

But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.

"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.

"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

[glory]

I have NEVER watched that show. Your observations are exactly why.

[glory]

Well, despite all the hard times, your children sound so very lucky to have you. Like I said, I will be saying some prayers.

[man of Yosemite]

Many women marry some guy who they think is going to be a good provider, but ignore the aggressive and insensitive nature of his character which is enabling him to climb effortlessly over his fellow man. Clinging to the occasional flatteries which are tossed their way, they remain with the jerk for years to their own humiliation. Then, if they do decide to have an affair, it's with another creep who doesn't give a rat's behind about somebody's marriage. During all of this display, many a good man just sits by and watches, being ignored as a prospect because he is unwilling to play this game. It's a true phenomenan, that women mainly desire another women's man. Then we get to hear them complain about how rotten men are, which leads me to disrespect them even more. I've seen some good women out there, but how few they are.

[mafree]

I've never been married and wouldn't if I didn't think I could be faithful to my husband. My parents were faithful to each other and I simply think that's the best way to go. I also couldn't date a married man, though a few of them try to hit on me. I just value marriage too much for that.

[najida]

I was married for 10 years, my husband was disabled, termninally ill and well, not always pleasant to live with (he was bi-polar too).

He accused me of being unfaithful on several occaisions because our marriage had progressed from husband/wife to patient/nurse. I won't paint a rosy picture. It was a 50/50 mix of good and bad. There would have been those who would have expected it, much less condoned it.

Funny thing was, it never dawned on me to have an affair. For all my faults, and I have lots of them, it made a promise and I kept it.

For someone who was a fickle, flightly, self-centered hedonist in her younger days, I can look back on my life with him as the time I went from a physically needy child to having the soul of a woman.

[Treebeard]

After which conversation, God smacked Himself on the Forehead and said: "I should have just played golf with Satan that day, but NOOOOOOOO..."

[Luis Gonzalez]

[Dead Dog]

I know one that had multiple internet adds out to "meet" young men of color. She was married with kids, and was very open about it. The husband could sit back and take it, or never see his daughter or paycheck again. She was a fat nasty white chick, but she always had "callers" in her livingroom when the dude came home from work.

[krb]

oh man that sux that some people have to put up with that stuff...

[mafree]

Amazing how life can mature you, eh? Thanks for sharing.

[Im Your Huckleberry]

Nice way for "sluts" to rationalize their seemingly sociopathic attitude and behavior.

Disgusting.

[kstewskis]

As sung by Tony Bennett, on the soundtrack of the movie What Women Want:

The Good Life Oh, the good life, full of fun seems to be the ideal Mm, the good life lets you hide all the sadness you feel You won't really fall in love for you can't take the chance So please be honest with yourself, don't try to fake romance

It's the good life to be free and explore the unknown Like the heartaches when you learn you must face them alone Please remember I still want you, and in case you wonder why Well, just wake up, kiss the good life goodbye

Oh Mole, you just nailed it on the head...this is what women REALLY want!!

[kstewskis]

...okay, TheMole made me do it. He had to bring up one of my favorite movies :D

[CyberAnt]

Geeee ... that sounds like my mother - she always told me - someday you'll get yours!! I did too!

[lorrainer]

[jammer]

Good one. These sociology "studies" have so many holes, they're ridiculous.

[borkrules]

I actually think the stay at home moms are busier, and don't have the time or the opportunities for affairs.

Think again. Sorry to say.

[RnMomof7]

Oh boy - i hate to break the news to you - but - i think the stay-at-home moms are just as likely to stray as the ones who work. Quite possibly MORE so.

Or they get babysitters and take their husbands whoring too

[Alex Murphy]

I have been very pleasantly surprised at the number of middle-aged Christian women who really desire and look forward to having very passionate, and uninhibited sex with a future husband.

I'll bet you have!

Unfortunately, it would have been better for you (morally speaking) if these "middle-aged Christian women" were "looking forward to having very passionate, and uninhibited sex with their present husband" instead.

Keep it in your pants until then, buddy. And knock off the disco lessons.

[Holly_P]