Why we cheat - ( Women )

New York Post ^ | July 13, 2003 | Susan Edelman

[UnklGene]

WHY WE CHEAT

By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.

July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."

Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.

And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.

In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.

"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.

Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.

"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.

But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.

"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.

Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."

Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."

Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.

Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.

"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."

But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.

"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.

"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

[glory]

Hildy, you hit on it for me. Even if there were know moral situation to consider, I could not bear the thought of my husband being hurt.

[glory]

No, but it is a good place to find reassurance that not all women are evil and self-centered. Kind of a balancer after dealing with the self-centered types at the workplace. You aren't likely to find a single gal there, unless they are teens accompanying their parents.

[glory]

Agree with it all.

BTW, your information on your husband really hit home here. I have a 27 yr old brother who is diabetic and takes questionable care of himself. We lost our diabetic cousin when he wass 29 back in '96, so sometimes we all feel like the clock is ticking. Lately his "reactions" have got so bad that he went into convulsions and fell and broke a chair. This is scary stuff and we keep wondering when that time will come that someone won't be home to help him. You were wise to look forward. I did much the same thing, but in the way of life insurance. My husband is not unhealthy, but he does have a family history of men with circulation problems and he's now in his 40's(his dad passed in his mid or late 50's) I sure hope he's the exception that lives into his 80's(God knows my children adore him and it would break their hearts if he wasn't around), but we are taking precautions none the less.
If it's ok, I will be praying God brings into your life an amazing man for companionship and some rest from the weary work of parenting. You sound like a wonderful lady Valerie!

[Tax-chick]

Whoops, realized I implied my husband was wearing a denim jumper. Not true! Shouldn't post before the second cup of coffee.

[glory]

OH I don't fool myself for a second. I was a professional woman for a number of years before having children and hubby and I are careful to plan our finances for such inevitabilities.
My husband is not "Prince Charming", he is a man who is not perfect and I'm a woman who is not perfect. I am willing to take my chances(step away from that self-defense mode I mentioned earlier) so that our children can have a solid foundation. He is willing to take his chances(working his tushie off and being sole provider and having faith I won't walk off with everything that is his too) for the same reason.
You don't have to tell me about death. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who have anxieties over that issue. It's something I've grapled with being a Christian. It's an area where my faith is deeply lacking. I certainly have no illusions that my husband or myself will live to 80 and beyond, but one can hope.

[glory]

:-) your welcome

[Tax-chick]

You aren't likely to find a single gal there, unless they are teens accompanying their parents.

Richard Wheeler, who's a regular conference speaker, says he's seeing quite a few young women in their 20's (including one of his own daughters) waiting for a man who's ready to get married and get to work. Don't know if that applies to you, Gordon, but if you showed up looking interested in babies and homeschool curriculum, you might attract some prospective fathers-in-law!

[glory]

Well, you are right, how are boys to know, but it's not an easy problem to solve is it? It's not just the roles emulated on television, it's the roles emulated at home(or lack of them--thinking thatsegment of women bring children into the world with various losers). Aside from the societal pressures, you have men who don't teach their son what their role is and women, who are still caught up in their feminist ideals(even if they are home), and emasculate their own sons or encourage them towards women tha will emasculate them. On that note, I've always felt sorry for the son Camryn Manheim bore out of wedlock. I heard her talk about parenthood and "not needing a father" (and she is fairly militant about this) and couldn't help but think how emasculated her son was going to be. She's already going in ready to teach him that he is a useless part of the equation and not needed to lead a stable home.

I don't know how to solve this on the grand scale, I'm just trying to do my part to raise men and women who will have a more biblical view of the world, themselves, and marriage.

[glory]

My husband just put his foot down and said I HAVE to replace the denim jumper - he doesn't want to be seen with me in public in the old one!

At the hs convention, one of the speakers there said he did a whole humorous session on "the denim jumper". I would love to hear that one! LOL

BTW, thanks for the links. I will check them out:-)

[glory]

LOL! Second cup--I haven't had my first cup yet!!

My husband would just look funny in a denim jumper! LOL!

[glory]

Interesting, I hadn't considered that fathers may actually be looking for good husbands for their daughters.

[Tax-chick]

An email went around a few years ago: "Homeschooling Barbie comes with a denim nursing jumper, three sweatsuits (no two pieces the same color), and a pair of Keds."

[glory]

LOL!
ONe if his other lines was that you get points for having a van over 10 years old, double points if it has the fake wood strip down the center;-)

[chris1]

I unfortunately got coaxed in watching sex in the city last night. These shows are exactly the reason why so many women are so F%^&&** in the head about life and about men. They don't think! These women on the show are shallow, justify all sorts of behavior, and are always unsatisfied. The expectations are far out of line with reality. When reality takes place, "I'm not happy" , "Its ok for an affair" etc etc.

[MEGoody]

Why do women cheat?

Because they have low morals and lack self-control - same reasons men cheat.

[William Wallace]

Have you tried Chutes And Ladders, instead?

Nah, I don't even get Clue. Heard you're mastering Uncle Wiggly. Never understood that either.

[MEGoody]

"It is take you girls to work day, not take your son to work day."

Several of us 'lobbied' to change 'Take Your Daughter To Work' day to 'Take Your Child To Work' day. It's turned out to be a great boon for kids of both genders.

And by the way, many of us who lobbied for the change were women.

[ValerieUSA]

Thank you glory - prayers are always welcome. :)
I do hope your brother wakes up to the real dangers of out-of-control diabetes. My husband cheated death countless times before he finally passed away following a failed kidney/pancreas transplant operation at age 42. We did not have life insurance, but we did have his retirement to help us through the first few years.
He has missed out on so much of our sons' lives, and the boys have also missed out on having a strong father to guide them through the difficult teen years. My 13 yr old was 7 when his dad died, and his memories of him are scarce. I do wish for his sake as much as mine that I could marry a good man soon to help with his transition into manhood. He's a good kid who deserves that special attention.

[Tax-chick]

We have those cards!