Forget Halle - Southern men lust after grits

via Internet | July 10, 2003 | Tammy Carter

[stainlessbanner]

I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing. My husband Keith and our friend Keith had that longing look on their faces. I could see the drool dripping from their mouths and hear the desire in their voices.

If I didn't know better, I would have thought they were talking about Halle Berry or a classic Porsche. A stranger never would have guessed they were waxing poetic about a Southern delicacy: grits.

"My mother-in-law sent me eight boxes of Quaker Old Fashioned Grits from North Carolina," our friend says.

"Ohhh, man! You're kidding," my husband says as he licks his lips. "You can't find those here. I refuse to eat quick or instant grits."

"Why?" I ask. "Grits are grits."

They levitated from their seats, looking at me as if I were from Mars.

"It's not about the quickness of food," my husband says through gritted teeth, "it's about the taste. We know a fake pot of grits when we taste it."

Grits connoisseurs. Who knew?

I like grits. Old-fashioned, quick or instant -- all taste great to me. Like my father, I eat grits with butter, cheddar cheese and sugar.

"Noooooo!" both Keiths scream. "Never put sugar in your grits!"

"That's for Cream of Wheat," our friend says. Or oatmeal, my husband says with disdain. He hates oatmeal.

It appears I have a lot to learn about grits. Both men try to school me.

"With grits," my husband says, "consistency is key."

Our friend agrees. "Grits should not be runny," he says. "They should be stiff like mashed potatoes."

"They don't have to be stiff like mashed potatoes," my husband adds, "but they should not be runny."

So how do you cook grits to get that perfect consistency? It depends on which Keith you ask.

"Fill half a small pot with water," my husband says. "Add salt and about two pats of margarine before the water boils. As soon as the water starts to boil, turn the heat down to low and add 5 tablespoons of grits."

To avoid lumpy grits, stir them constantly, and never cover the pot.

"You have to stay with the pot," for about 25 minutes, my husband says. "You'll know the grits are done when they start to go bloop . . . bloop . . . bloop . . . bloop. Let them bloop for another three minutes. Then turn the fire off."

Finally, my husband says, "put in a small handful of shredded mild cheddar cheese, but don't mix the cheese in. Just let it melt down."

The grits are ready to be served with scrambled eggs and bacon. "Eggs must be scrambled, no sunny side up or poached and no runny yolks," my husband says. "You can cook your bacon first, but don't cook your eggs until your grits are done."

Our friend Keith has a different method for cooking perfect grits. He says to put cold water in the pot and add the grits before bringing the water to a boil.

"Stir the grits to remove the lumps, then heat the water," our friend says. "Once the water comes to a boil, cover the pot, so no air escapes. The key is to stir them."

About 30 minutes later, the grits are ready to serve with ham, a pat of butter, two eggs and a biscuit.

"Grits should be served on a plate," our friend adds, "not in a bowl!"

My husband agrees with the plate rule, but can't fathom eating grits with liver or corned beef hash the way our friend likes them.

"In Florida, you have permission to have grits and fish, as long as it's fried catfish fillets," my husband says. "You can't have bones in your grits."

Now all I want to know is: When do we eat?

[MHGinTN]

From your site, this is the most important picture ... a free Iran is vital to stopping international terrorism and the proliferation of nuclear weapons in the Middle East.

[MHGinTN]

From your site, this is the most important picture ... a free Iran is vital to stopping international terrorism and the proliferation of nuclear weapons in the Middle East.

[patton]

Lost 17 lbs on my first atkins week. Not that I care - doing a sympathy thing with one of my kids.

But I had a root canal about an hour ago, AND I AM DRINKING BEER, FAST. My goal is to really get drunk.

Damn, my face hurts.

[CobaltBlue]

In Louisiana, we have seafood boils, depending on the season it will be crawfish, shrimp or crabs cooked in a huge stainless steel pot on a gas burner out in the back yard.

When done, pour onto picnic tables that have been covered with newspaper, and dig in.

One time we had a crawfish boil and visitors from someplace in Scandinavia, who took pictures to send back home. Where they are from, you order a dozen crawfish and carefully dissect them using a dissecting kit, even the tiny legs.

Man, do I miss fresh crawfish! Here in Virginia all you can get is imported from China and it tastes like garbage. And the canned crab is from Thailand or something.

You can get boiled crabs but they cover it with Old Bay, and steam it, instead of boiling it in Zatarain's. Same with shrimp. Usually overcook them, too.

[CobaltBlue]

What setting do you use for grits?

[Pukin Dog]

Beer is not the answer. Ben and Jerry's SuperFudgeChunk ice cream is. The secret is that you have to chew it, and by doing so, you will dull the pain in your gums. Send someone you love to the grocery store. There is no substitute.

[patton]

You are missing out... I grew up on hominy, sausage, eggs, scapple, ...

Funny thing is, my cholestrol is perfect.

[CobaltBlue]

You can drink vodka or gin cut with club soda or diet tonic and stay in ketosis.

[Cloud William]

I like that (maple syrup) on fried grits.

Hooo-yeah! But IMHO, Louisiana cane syrup goes even better with fried grits.

Y'all are makin' me hungry! Here's the pinnacle, the greatness to which all grits aspire:

Heaven on a plate

[Pukin Dog]

I use Zatarain's in my Gumbo. I was taught how to eat Crawfish (Crayfish for yankees), thinking I could never suck the brains out of anything. I was wrong, and now I do it as often as I can.

[Eala]

From your site, this is the most important picture ... a free Iran is vital to stopping international terrorism and the proliferation of nuclear weapons in the Middle East.

I agree. And it would do so much more than that. For example, I think it would undercut the extremist Islam that lies at the root of so much of the region's trouble.

Some of my Iranian friends dared not go to this demonstration. So I went as a sort of proxy, and to let these people know that at least some Americans support their quest for freedom. That message, at least, was definitely received.

[Eala]

(Not sure how we got here from grits, but...)

[CobaltBlue]

Like I said, my poor mama was (and is) a terrible cook. Which is a shame because both of my grandmothers cooked like angels. I grew up on cold cereal when my mama was cooking, didn't really start getting good breakfast until I got a job and started eating at local eateries in New Orleans before I went to work.

No cook on earth is as good as a black New Orleans cook. Creole is best but from the country will do.

[Cloud William]

Okay, now what exactly is "Gumbo" I know they eat it in Louisiana but thats about it.

"First, you make a roux..." :-)

Looky here, surely one of those recipes will strike your fancy. I favor the chicken (and/or duck) and andouille sausage variety, myself.

[CobaltBlue]

I don't suck the heads, myself. Won't eat a raw oyster, either. But I am partial to the yellow fat in crabs, especially she-crabs. People up here won't even eat a she-crab.

You ever met someone who will eat a shrimp, shell, legs and all? What's that about?

[xJones]

But I had a root canal about an hour ago, AND I AM DRINKING BEER, FAST. My goal is to really get drunk.

Damn, my face hurts.

Whoo patton, that doesn't sound good. Didn't you have anesthesia? When I had my one and only root canal on a far back molar, they used nitrous oxide AND shot me up so good that the dentist became my new best friend and I didn't care what he did with my tooth. And I felt fine afterwards. Sounds like you didn't have it so easy.

[MHGinTN]

I'll get back on track.

A nice Alabama recipe with grits is grits and shrimp. When the grits are cooked, but the remaining water is preventing them from congealing, dump shrimp in to boil as the excess grits water goes out. When the grits are a bit sticky, the pot is ready for cracked pepper, parsley, and a splash of tobasco sauce (I like the green jalapeno version). Serve with two Alabama hot-cheese pones and a cold beer and a side order of slaw.

[CobaltBlue]

My aunt, who cooks creole, uses thin slices of round, and I think she pounds them first with a mallet to tenderize. Then dredge in seasoned flour, then cook pretty much like your recipe.

Some people use pork chops.

[Pukin Dog]

I eat fried shrimp legs and all. I will also eat raw oysters and crab fat. I will eat just about anything but Okra. It it just too close to snot.

[CobaltBlue]

>>"First, you make a roux..." <<

I make mine in a heavy four cup pyrex measuring cup in the microwave, 15 seconds, then stir, 15 seconds, then stir, until it's done.

Wear heavy oven mitts on BOTH hands, because, as you know, if it gets on you, it's Cajun napalm.

It keeps well in the refrigerator, tightly covered.

Or you can order some online. Can't remember the name but there's a brand that comes in a jar from out around Opelousas that's mighty good.