Church Burning (The GREATEST UseNet Poster Describes The Burning Of Her Church)

UseNet ^ | July 2, 2003 | Janice aka Peeps aka PeepPeep

[PJ-Comix]

From PeepPeep@WebTV.net

Sweet Jesus, gang, things have taken SUCH a turn for the worse that
I've
been thrown for a loop & knocked down with a feather this day!!

Hell, YES!!

THIS gal decided to throw ALL apprehensions to the wind & attend
services this Sabbath-Sunday *despite* the snide looks I KNEW I'd get
from the tongue-clucking townfolk who've got THIS gal pinned down as
some kind of drunk 'n' dreaming lush!!

(A-holes!!)

So, I donned my Sabbath-day best -- my pleated white skirt & matching
short-sleeved blouse (w/ the Peter-Pan collar) -- gathered up my two
pumkins (who, natch, I *also* dolled up special) & marched w/ head
held-high straight out the front door, down the stoop and t'wards the
Lord's house.

And how!!  

(Since my nerves were still a TAD jangled, I decided it best to NOT
drive, but walk the three blocks, instead.)

Well, shoosh, as I was jaunting down Pine Street, I thought it was
DANG
odd that I couldN'T see the church steeple over the houserow. (?!)  I
kept darting glances up to check & double-check (*&* wipe my eyes to
make sure they weren't playing tricks on me), but, heck, it just
wasN'T
there, gang!!  I was going to mention it to my pumkins, but, for the
first time, I began to doubt my OWN sanity & thought, Sweet Word, I'd
better not upset them ANY more than they've ALready been upset.

So, with my heart in my throat, I cont'd walking chilled-like 'til we
arrived at the church-green, when LO & behold, babies, the church WAS
GONE-- disappeared, vamoosed!! -- & ZIP was left but a wide-spread,
smouldering pile of ....
ashes!!

Well, WHAT the -- ?!

I stood there shell-shocked for a few minutes, vaguely heard my
pumkins
gasping & then bent down, swooped them up & began walking back t'wards
home JUST as police sirens began wailing in the distance.

While hustling home, we bumped into Nellie Dwyer who informed me (by
way
of a hyperventilation attack) that our precious church was the victim
of
arsonists last nite. (!!)

Well, I put my pumkins down, grabbed their hands & the three of us
began
sprinting for home when, Saints preserve us, we saw the ENtire police
&
fire-forces surrounding MY precious homestead w/ sirens blaring &
light
flashing!!

I don't know WHY I didn't just drop dead-away on the spot, sugars. 
Only
pure adrenaline & concern for my babies was keeping THIS gal vertical
&
forward-moving!!

Anywho, to make a long, traumatic story short, the Feds are
investigating the arson & they *kept* asking me about the group of six
I
served at the diner, but, hell, from the way they're talking I STILL
ain't sure the *six* are the suspects or THIS gal is the suspect. 
(?!)

The ONE nerve I have left is frazzled, my tear-ducts are drained, my
heart's skipping beats *&* I'm having trouble taking in air this day!!

PLEASE hold a good thought for THIS gal & her townfolk as the
Antichrists' Army is *apparently* making a beach-head in the bootheel
of
Missouri (WHY, Lord?!) *&* setting THIS gal up as some kind of patsy
for
only HELL KNOWS WHAT!!

Horror hugs,
Janice, who just got off the horn w/ her ex-lover/politico who (thank
God!!) is a lawyer & is flying to town to keep these g-danged Keystone
Kops OFF my put-upon hiney while my ex-lover/shrink is being an Angel
&
Fed-Exing me some horse-strength tranqs.

In the meantime, Rev. Beecham has turned apostate & is chit-chatting
w/
the Romanist archdiocese up in St. Louie about "exorcising demons"
while
Mrs. Beecham just pulled a Ruth Ellis & smashed up all the gin bottles
at Mike's Wayside Inn.

Lord help us ALL!!

-------------------------------------- 

"The president has added more death-penalty crimes than any of his
predecessors. He's enacted a welfare reform that not only cancels an
entitlement but also takes away rights from a certain caste of women.
He
pushed through NAFTA, which undermines the position of American
workers.
If there's a right-wing conspiracy, it's Bill Clinton." -- Gwendolyn
Mink, the author of Welfare's End.

--------------------------------------
(-)> *peep* (-)> *peep* (-)> *muckmouth*

[PJ-Comix]

Here is an interesting post from Janice aka PeepPeep aka Peeps who is easily the BEST writer on the UseNet. I am very fussy about writing quality but Peeps is definitely the BEST contemporary short story writer I have ever seen. I have begged her many times to write a newspaper column but, alas, she has ignored my advice.

Janice lives in the Missouri Bootheel and here is her colorful account about the burning of her church. And DON'T be offended by her writing style and hit that abuse button. You sort of have to know Peeps to know she means no offense. She's just....colorful.

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[PJ-Comix]

They broke the mold when they made Peeps!

[Cicero]

She sounds a bit like a character out of Flannery O'Connor.

[PJ-Comix]

Check this out. Janice aka PeepPeep aka Peeps is the MOST COLORFUL person I have ever encounted. This post is typical. Another time she won a trip to Paris, Texas and somehow ended up in Paris, France for a couple of weeks. Her Mother's Day story is considered the FUNNIEST such story ever written. A collection of Peeps' UseNet posts should be put together in a book. Absolutely OUTSTANDING writing.

[PJ-Comix]

She sounds a bit like a character out of Flannery O'Connor.

There is NOBODY like Peeps. And don't let that hometown Missouri Bootheel writing style fool you. She is INCREDIBLY intelligent. Actually I would rate her intelligence as being offscale. Another funny thing about her is the MANY bizarre situations she gets into. This is but an example. Have you seen her Mother's Day story yet? It is a classic! Easily the FUNNIEST Mother's Day story ever written.

I've been BEGGING Peeps for years to write a newspaper column but to no avail. Actually her stuff might be too strong for family newspapers but....I GUARANTEE such a column would be the MOST POPULAR column ever written.

[Interesting Times]

Strangely, the sample of outstanding writing you intended to post seems to have been replaced by some sort of stream-of-consciousness mumbling done in a caricature black dialect.

[PJ-Comix]

Definitely not black dialect. Folks (white & black) in the Bootheel of Missouri talk that way. Haven't you ever read Mark Twain?

[Interesting Times]

Definitely not black dialect. Folks (white & black) in the Bootheel of Missouri talk that way. Haven't you ever read Mark Twain?

I have indeed.

But then, he could actually write.

[PJ-Comix]

BTW, Peeps' HILARIOUS Mother's Day story is also a great anti-Gun Control story as well. She got into a major food fight with her German sister-in-law who wanted to go to a Million Moms March Rally.

[PJ-Comix]

But then, he could actually write.

I do an ENORMOUS amount of reading (check out my Freeper Reading Club) and I can tell you that Peeps is the BEST writer (short story) that I have ever read on the UseNet. And believe me, I am incredibly fussy about writing styles. I used to edit a magazine and virtually ALL of the submissions sent in I rejected immediately. So when a once-in-a-generation writer like Peeps comes along, I become a big fan of that writing style.

[Yeti]

That was black dialect ?

[PJ-Comix]

I think Interesting Times might have been imbibing a bit too much Kickapoo Juice.

[PJ-Comix]

As a respected member of the Freeper Reading Club, what do you think about Peeps' writing style?

[Chancellor Palpatine]

I gotta say I like it. Kinda neat, and reminds me of Faulkner.

[Yeti]

It might be one of those things where it helps to be familiar with the region and some of the character types that live there.

So I guess this character has a history with the local townfolk?

[Pan_Yans Wife]

You introduced me to her Mother's Day story. I loved it.

Care to ping me whenever you find another of her wonderful selections? :)

[PJ-Comix]

So I guess this character has a history with the local townfolk?

Yeah. Peeps lives somewhere in the Missouri Bootheel and works and hangs out at Mike's Wayside Inn. It is from there that her (mis)adventures emanate. One time it was a trip to Paris, Texas that ended up in Paris, France. Other times she takes off on world tours with her "pumkins." One classic story was about a massive Mothers Day food fight she had with her gun control supporting German sister-in-law. Peeps, as you can see in this story, has had all kinds of boyfriends tucked away all over the world. One time she stayed at the Chateau of an ex-boyfriend in Switzerland and had bizarre misadventures there.

On the UseNet Peeps arouses either downright hate or (in the case of NYC GOP Chick and me) complete awe. One thing about Peeps, love her or hate her, she will NEVER bore you. And just when you think she can't possibly add to her many misadventures, a new one (such as this one here) will pop up. Peeps has quite an underground following on the UseNet. I only wish a book of her many postings were published.

[PJ-Comix]

Care to ping me whenever you find another of her wonderful selections?

She has THOUSANDS of them on the UseNet. I could definitely see a TV series about her with Mike's Wayside Inn as the anchor to the show.

[Yeti]

If she didn't post to a group with ".binaries." somewhere in the name then I propbably never saw any of her stories ; )