The most boring sporting event on Earth

The Sydney Morning Herald ^ | July 9 2003 | Edward Richards

[presidio9]

It's tough luck for Mark Philippoussis, but otherwise a great relief all around that it is over for another year. Wimbledon fortnight, that is - the most boring sporting event on Earth. Two weeks of wall-to-wall tedium, the only excitement coming when they pull the covers over when rain stops play.

What brings people to it? After all, unrelieved boredom does not exactly come cheap. A seat can cost you as much as $175, while souvenirs such as baseball caps (especially designed to be worn backwards) can cost $45. A towel could set you back about $70.

One reason for Wimbledon's popularity could be that British people lead such exciting lives, always zinging about - here, there and everywhere - that a good dose of tedium is just what the doctor ordered to slow them all down a bit.

Then again, it could be that they are more interested in having first-hand experience of such never ending tennis soap operas as At Home with the Dokics; or perhaps checking out whatever bizarre attire the Williams sisters have shoe-horned themselves into for the day's match.

There is one really entertaining thing about Wimbledon fortnight: the chance to eat strawberries and cream. It is simple, uncomplicated fare. A serving will cost you about $5 for 10 strawberries, so it is sort of reasonably priced.

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A bit of trivia: About 27,000 kilos of strawberries are scoffed during a Wimbledon fortnight. If we subtract two rest days, and assume that they sell strawberries for six hours on every play day, then punters are downing strawberries at the rate of about six kilograms a minute.

Meanwhile, back at Centre Court, we are forced to ask if anything can be done to make grand slam tennis interesting. Apparently not. But here are some suggestions for spicing it up a bit:

1. Use smaller racquets. Something about the size of a ping-pong bat should suffice, and each player only gets one per match. If it is broken, players must use their hand, or whatever else they can find.

2. Penalise players who serve aces.

3. Wash players' mouths out with soap and then send them home if they question any line call or the umpire's decision.

4. Make the nets higher - say, about three metres, and in the form of a hedge or a brick wall so that players don't know what's coming at them.

5. Have two balls in play at the same time for singles matches, and four for doubles matches to keep them all on their toes.

6. Or play two different singles matches at the same time, on the same court.

There may be another answer. The name of the club that runs the tournament is The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.

What if they just concentrated on the croquet? Two weeks of retired vicars playing knock-down, drag-out, winner-take-all croquet with strawberries and cream thrown in - now that would really get your pulse racing.

[presidio9]

Oh yeah baby, nothing like seeing Lindsey Davenport in a thong.

[CommerceComet]

Anytime someone has to explain to you why a sport isn't boring, you can be assured that it is boring.

[presidio9]

Not true. There are plenty of sports I thought were boring until I gave them a chance. NASCAR comes to mind immediately. I gave tennis more than a chance. I used to be a fan. It is boring today and people who think otherwise are deluding themselves.

[Doctor Stochastic]

I rather liked Jai Alai the few times I've seen it. ESPN still would prefer to run a two year old baseball game between non-contenders, though. Of course, in the USA, there's only one fronterón outside Florida. (At least that used to be true.)

The fronterón can't be made of concrete, it isn't strong enough. Granite works. (I wonder if there's a radiation hazard from the fronterón?)

[CommerceComet]

I was stating a general rule. I have friends that are avid golf, tennis, and soccer fans who have explained the rules to me and convinced me that I must watch the contests to give them a chance. Despite understanding the rules, the action(?) taking place, and the personalities involved, I still find the sports boring to watch even after giving them a serious chance. I would rather watch Norm Abrams build a coffee table. (That's not to say that I don't enjoy participating in some of these sports.)

I have an exception to that rule, same as you: NASCAR.

[armed_in_sydney]

probably written by a pro-wrestling fan.

[Chu Gary]

Personally, I enjoy a tennis match btwn two upper level pro's.

For THE most boring sport, IMHO, tune into cricket on your telly!

[Jorge]

With all due respect, Serena Williams is not very easy on the eyes. I'm not saying she's ugly...but she's muscular and rather masculine and doesn't have a pretty face. Not at all an attractive female tennis player.

[presidio9]

What you are decribing is not observation, but ignorance. There are several highly entertaining and popular sports described by some as "boring." They are only boring to the viewer who does not understand them. Tennis, on the other hand, has changed to the point that it has ceased to be interesting to viewers, like myself, who understand the sport and its rules, and recognize most of the players.

[CommerceComet]

presidio9 wrote: "What you are decribing is not observation, but ignorance."

How so? I was more knowledgable than a casual viewer and viewed with several "experts" who would answer any question I had and provided more valuable commentary than the TV commentators. I still found golf and soccer boring to watch.

presidio9 wrote: "There are several highly entertaining and popular sports described by some as "boring.""

Just because one person finds something highly entertaining doesn't mean that everyone will. Tastes differ. I'm not offended because you don't like everything that I do and I don't assume it is just because you are ignorant. I find it a sign of insecurity when someone takes offense to another's disinterest in their hobbies. I don't feel obligated to convert everyone to my interest set nor do I feel that they are somehow deficient because they don't have my interests. In this sense, diversity is good.

presidio9 wrote: "They are only boring to the viewer who does not understand them."

Knowledge will not automatically instill interest in the topic. Because my boys like them I know a lot about Tintin adventures, Transformers, and Rescue Heroes. None of these have any intrinsic interest to me (well, of course, except the boys) and as soon as the boys outgrow them, I will avoid these topics.

You even disprove this statement by your own comments. Despite your knowledge of tennis, you find "it has ceased to be interesting..." or in other words, boring.

[6323cd]

bttt

[reg45]

stripper tennis!

Like Strip Poker - Every time you lose a game - something goes!

That could finally make long sets and matches interesting.

[presidio9]

I'm telling you my perspective. I know enough about tennis that I was once a fan. The game has changed the point that it is boring to me. You are not, nor were you ever a golf fan. You think that it is boring. Your observation is based on ignorance. I am making an educated one.

[CommerceComet]

presidio9 wrote: "You are not, nor were you ever a golf fan. You think that it is boring. Your observation is based on ignorance. I am making an educated one."

Don't give yourself too much credit.

The reason that I was pressured by my friends into watching golf on TV is that they couldn't understand how someone who enjoyed playing golf so much found it boring to watch on TV. Is that enough experience to make an "educated" observation? Or is it required that I must first be a fan before I can conclude that I find something boring?