How to have a safe 4th of July

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[Possenti]

As we go out to celebrate our freedom this 4th of July, let's go over a few things to make your celebration a success. Don't use any illegal fireworks in your 4th Celebration. It is for your own safety. Make sure you are buckled up in your seat belts, there will be roadblocks and checkpoints to make sure you comply. It is for the children. If you are a Worldcom or Enron former employee, lighten up for the holiday, you can always look for a job tomorrow. Don't mention G-d if celebrating on any public property. Government is god there. You will be apprehended. Have your papers ready as you approach the holiday police checkpoints.

Don't criticize the President or other government officials, you might be in violation of the Patriot Act and considered a possible terrorist. Don't mention the Constitution in any district court or you could be held in contempt.

If your children get out of line this holiday, do not discipline them, or they may be kidnapped by the Dept. of Social Services and held hostage until you receive approved psychological therapy and are deemed acceptable. Show compassion this Independence Day by bringing an illegal immigrant to your celebration or by hugging a tree. If an election is occurring in your locality within the next 90 days, do not talk about or publicly support any candidate, as that is no longer lawful. Keep your mouth shut. If an officer asks to search your vehicle at the "seat belt" checks, do not be belligerent and demand a search warrant. Standing up for your fourth amendment rights is anti-social and not in tune with the new American way. Are you with Al Quaida or something?

Do not get upset when the searching officer will not help you pick up your belongings that he has strewn all over the highway as he searched your vehicle. It is not in his job description and complaining will get you charged with obstructing justice. Keep your guns at home. You are not going hunting and besides, What on earth do guns have to do with American Independence? Better yet, turn your guns into the authorities to let them know that you are a true patriotic American.

If celebrating at the mall in Washington DC. you are probably safe as the mall is now monitored by hundreds of surveillance cameras, watched by federal security forces. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want them to see. Bring lots of cash with you, there will be many taxes, fines, and fees to pay as you celebrate your freedoms this day. Do not leave home without your driver's license, social security card, birth certificate, welfare card, medicare card, medical records, W-2 Form, and two other forms of ID. You may be asked for them at the police checkpoints. Better yet, get micro-chipped, and avoid the hassle of carrying around your papers. Bring your library card, the FBI may ask you for it.

Do not put any "anti-government" bumper stickers on your car. Especially not anything about the right to keep and bear arms. Police have been trained by the FBI in "bumper sticker profiling". This attracts their attention at the check points, and makes you look like a terrorist.

With regard to "bumper sticker profiling" you should be especially aware of the fact that "They will get my gun, when they pry it from my cold dead fingers" is no longer mere semantics. At WACO, and at RUBY RIDGE, we learned that they WILL kill you to take your guns

ALSO, be careful not to have any unauthorized THOUGHTS. There are now serious penalties for "thought crime". Be aware that "civil forfeiture" laws make it possible to take anything that you own, by alleging that it was "intended" to be used for the commission of a crime. This could include transporting or storing a gun. If "civil forfeiture" proceedings are initiated against you, then you will have the burden of proof, to show that your thoughts were in compliance with government standards. If traveling by air this Independence Day, do not give the airport screeners a hard time. They are feeling you up and molesting your daughter and wife for the security of America. If you complain you could be arrested. You don't support Bin Laden do you? Keep an eye on your fellow Americans as you celebrate this 4th of July. If you see anything suspicious, take notes so that when you get home you can call and report them to the Homeland Security Office. And remember you are not a nosey snitch, you are a great American Patriot. Do not mention the signers of the Declaration of Independence this 4th of July. Mentioning these subversive terrorists is not popular and could get you in big trouble. Besides what do these guys have to do with the 4th of July anyway? Do not leave home without one or more little plastic American flags made by political slaves in Communist China. Make sure you have one flying from the antennae of your vehicle. You don't want to seem un-American do you? Do not take a copy of the Declaration of Independence with you as it advocates the overthrow of tyrannical government. It is a terrorist document and will be confiscated at the holiday police checkpoints. Same advice for the Constitution. And remember, as you leave home for your 4th of July outing, that the second you stepped out of your door that you probably broke hundreds of federal, state, and local laws that you are probably unaware of. However, if you tow the line, you will not be charged.

If you have a few decades with nothing better to do, study up on "administrative law". Laws are now made by the unelected bureaucrats, in hundreds of "administrative agencies". If you are charged with violating one of these "laws" you will not get a trial by a jury of your peers. You will be tried by the agency that made the charge.

I hope this message gets past the Department of Homeland security approved internet filter. How else can they protect us from unauthorized thought? Now go out and celebrate your independence and have a great Independence Day!

[ex-Texan]

The way to have a "safe and sane" July 4th in to buy only approved firework and have a lot of beer on hand. The beer will help you put out any unexpected fires.

[jammer]

Tremendous. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

[tet68]

It always amazes me that people who are so afraid of
"Dangerous fireworks" will buy their kids SPARKLERS on
'the fourth. More kids are burned with sparklers than any other types. Essentially thermite

[TomServo]

Outstanding.

[razorbak]

A lot of hyperbole, but enough pure truth to concern all of us. Still the best and free-est country in the world, and we do have a say in it. We also still have a tens of millions of guns and millions of true patriots with the determination to keep them. Ain't that what The Fourth is all about?

[July 4th]

Fireworks tip learned from watching a stupid neighbor: Prior to lighting roman candles, remove them from the brown paper bag that they were purchased in.

[Chancellor Palpatine]

Also, its important to put down the beer can before lighting them. Worrying about spilling your beer might impede your ability to step away quickly.

;)

[TJFLSTRAT]

Your right, a sparkler up the nose is very painful.
I guess kids will be kids though.