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Good evening, Sarge. How are you doing this fine, wet evening? I'm still trying to catch up with this thread so I'm reading it backwards.

Here's one:

1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

5. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

7. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

8. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

9. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

10. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

13. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

14. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

15. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around
by somebody else.

16. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

17. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's real important to know what it was.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

19. Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

20. If you are ever lost in the woods, the quickest way to find your way out
is to find a set of armadillo tracks. They'll lead you straight to the highway.

ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
14. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
15. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
16. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
17. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
18. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
19. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
20. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

16. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

20. If you are ever lost in the woods, the quickest way to find your way out is to find a set of armadillo tracks. They'll lead you straight to the highway.

Truisms! LOL!