Army Mom's Agonizing Letters from Hell (barf alert)

OPERATION: IRAQI FREEDOM Army mom's agonizing letters from hell Battlefield messages reveal pain of separation for family of 7

Beth Bugay is a wife and mother of five school-aged children, but her daily toils now take place thousands of miles away, among the sick and wounded, defending the homeland in a dusty, searing Iraqi desert.

While she serves as a medic with the U.S. Army's B Company, husband John is at home in West Mifflin, Pa., struggling to keep up with the demands of Jeremy, 15, Zachary, 11, Nathaniel, 10, John III, 7 and Bethany, 4.

In Beth's candid letters, John's love for his wife is reflected as strongly as his displeasure with his family's new situation.

We left Udairi [a U.S. base in Kuwait] early morning after spending the night there. The night before, we experienced the worst dust storm they said that they've had in years. The wind blew and blew. The dust was thick powder. While it slammed you all over, and in your face, you couldn't open your eyes. So I walked with my head down, eyes closed, and every few steps I'd peek at my feet to see if I was going anywhere, or if I was walking into something. That night I slept with a wet washcloth over my face and nose, because the dust was blowing in my tent...

The shell, or concave that we're bunking at is full of camel spiders. They are huge, hairy beasts that crackle when you squash them. The walls and ceilings are crawling with lizards. I'm always afraid that they'll drop on my head, or on my cot while I'm sleeping. I'm very uncomfortable. So I've been sleeping in the 5-ton cab area. The first night in this infested shell of a dwelling my flashlight blew. My other one was packed away deep under 100 other soldiers' bags. I was more afraid of the spiders and lizards without my flashlight than getting shot at.

There's a PX here and I went right to it and bought a mini-mag light and extra batteries. I can't be in the dark with these critters running around me. I was so surprised that the PX took my ATM card. And I was so relieved, even though it was expensive, for detergent, batteries and a flashlight.

The Special Forces escort wasn't any help with the critters. They were afraid of them too...

I've been going to bed very early in my truck...The cab of the truck is very uncomfortable because the emergency brake and transmission are right in the middle where I want to stretch out. I've been putting my Kevlar helmet over the top of the stick handles, which helps fill the gap between the two seats. Then I lay my body armor over the helmet which makes a board effect crossing the two seats together. It's lumpy and better than sleeping with the camel spiders. The spiders scare everyone here. One of the security team soldiers screamed like a girl last night when he found one of the huge, ugly spiders on his sleeping bag. I laughed so hard I nearly cried.

The days have been busy with filling the water buffalos for our washing water. Also the last two days more than half of the special-units soldiers have fallen ill from dysentery. They're all vomiting and sleeping. At first I wasn't concerned but now it's turned into an epidemic.

It's been two days for the soldiers here, puking and s––ing. We've been giving IVs straight now from morning till night. I think it's the water that they've been drinking. The water is coming from an underground stream and there is supposed to be a special team working with the water to purify it. But I'm not convinced that it's OK yet. I haven't drunk any of it. I'm having enough trouble on my own. My chest hurts and I nearly gagged to death from coughing so much. It's finally breaking up but it's still thick and uncontrollable. Plus I've caught sand mites. They're itching me like crazy. Around my calves and upper arms. I scrubbed myself in bleach water but I forgot to put on my insect repellant and afterward I was attacked again. The little red bumps all over me are getting bigger.

Yesterday in my afternoon I got one of the best moments of my life. I got to speak to you, Johnny, from the pits of Hell here in Iraq. I was so happy to hear your voice. I wish that you weren't so angry at me, but you said when I get home that we could fix things.

All the horror of being away from you and home, along with all the trouble here at this God-forsaken country have my spirits at an ultimate low. I'm feeling as bad as when my mom died. I tried to do the right thing with the army, and what I had started for our extra money and career. And I want to take care of my family and home. Today, I believe that I've failed in everything that I hold most dear to me.

The main security unit left yesterday. They moved up north. Now there are only seven or eight of us left here. The rest of our unit is still in Doha. They're on their way up but it's taking them a long time to get here. All of our equipment is still in the States. And even more crazy is, not only is everything that we need still in the States, but the gear and life support needs are all coming by boat. Meaning that it will be another month or so before any of that stuff gets here. Meanwhile, we'll have about 150 people or so here without vehicles, gear, tents, or computers and equipment. I can't understand why we'd have everyone move to Iraq and not be able to do any work.

The other day we spent breakneck speed putting up one of our huge tents that we obtained from another company. It's long hard, dirty work setting these tents up. Plus I was very ill and tired. Then after it was all completed (without floors or bracing), we started our other duties. I help retrieve water for cleaning and washing. That job includes hooking up the beasty tank to a 5-ton truck. Then we drive to the water point, get out, fill it up from a huge hose attached to a giant water bladder. The whole process takes about an hour and a half. One day it got up to 130 degrees. I'm always tired and dirty.

That evening after we set the tent up and finally got to sit down, a dust storm overtook us. Anything that wasn't tied down with sandbags was blown away. Cots, nets, bags, gear, you name it and it was gone! We all went out later trying to find things, but we didn't recover much. Worse was that the tent we sweated over putting up was blown, tossed, bent and mangled beyond repair. It took us another two hours just to unpiece it and pack it up, all broken and twisted.

All I eat is the MRE's (packaged meals) when I can. All I drink is water. I'm sick of water. One of the soldiers gave me Kool Aid to put in my water and I nearly cried with happiness. I have enough Kool Aid now for four bottles of water, which I'm saving for in the evenings if I get a break.

I'm spending Mother's Day miserable and sad. I had to finish stocking up on all the medical supplies that the security unit left me. We had to move boxes of MRE's and water boxes for our rations, and of course fill up the water buffalo. Now I have a few minutes before some of Charlie Company arrives. They're supposed to stay the night and then leave in the morning up North. They're supposed to bring our mail and some of the flat bed [trucks] full of equipment that I'll have to help unload.

My illness feels a little better today, but now my arms look like I have a pox of some sort because of all the weird fly bites. They're bumpy, bloody, and scabby from scratching and digging at them. The weird flies dive in and bite my arms before I even see them. Sometimes I don't even see them. I'll only hear of reel them, and by then it's too late. I've been using the Army's insect repellant, but I don't think it works very well, and it feels and smells bad.

Why we're here without our major equipment and without my unit is beyond me. I wanted to come, do my duty and go home. But time is being wasted. It makes me frustrated to not do my work so that we can come home. All the delays and stops seem meaningless to me. I'm so sorry for my family to suffer and I'm so very sorry things didn't work out the way I bargained on the army. I hope you'll forgive me, and when I come home you and I can make our world together again.

I miss and love you all. Any time I get I'll write and tell you what I'm thinking and doing. I hope everyone is well and happy. I see all your faces in my mind's eye all my moments.

I kiss you and hug you now and in my dreams. Sometimes not even prayer helps me, because I miss you, Johnny, So much!

I just got a letter off to you that was incomplete. But I wanted to get something in the mail to you. I don't remember when I talked to you on the phone from here but it was such a happy time for me. Even though [our neighbor's mother] Mary's passing was the forefront of pain. All my girl friends and family are hurting and I'm not there. I hope I do something good here that will make a difference so that our loss of these months won't be in vain.

I finally received some mail from you today. Thank God, I say. I read one letter about your Easter. It made my heart ache to miss that time with all of you. Thank you for making it special for all of them. I hope never to put you through this again. I love you. I say it and say it and I want it to mean more each time that I say I love you to you.

I read all the articles you sent me with great interest. The newspaper piece about the Army families was very moving. I loved seeing you all in the photograph. I'm glad that you speak your mind about your pain Johnny. I never dreamed that this would be so hard on you. I'm also glad that you've made friends. Also, I'm shocked to read that bit about Scott & Laci Peterson. Do you know how she and the baby were killed? And the poem I will carry in my Bible. Thank you for all the care and love I receive from you. Plus, the King Arthur morale was enjoyable. Thank you for the envelopes and your name and address labels. Now for the photos, here before I open the album my eyes begin to tear up and my heart wants to reach out to you so very dearly.

The photo album was absolutely enjoyable. But there weren't any pictures of you. Will you send me more?

The rest of my unit came in late yesterday. Charlie Company and the BN Commander came. They stayed overnight and left early this morning. It was good to see them, however, I worry about being left behind. They went to (up north). A couple of the LRS (Long Range Security) guys became ill with dysentery symptoms so I've been giving IV's all morning. I helped pass out insect repellant and sunscreen to the departing soldiers. But now I can't help pitch tents because I can't leave the soldiers on IV lines. (Damn you say, Ha) I'll pay later, I'm sure.

There are always huge tents to build. My company, Bravo, is supposed to arrive today from choppers. They're being flown in from Udairi because there aren't any vehicles. They are going to stay here in Tallil and move from the area to the north, receiving exploitation equipment. But how they're supposed to move back and forth is beyond me when we haven't any vehicles. We're always without equipment, supplies or vehicles. But there are soldiers and busy work abundant. All of Charlie Co. seemed jubilant to see me. I was so tired that it was hard to return the emotion. It was good to see them but then they were gone. I stayed alone and waved the long convoy of vehicles away and watched the last dust sweeps drift upward. I didn't get to wash any part of my body or even brush my teeth and I was in the same uniform that I've been wearing for a week.

The soldier that I am attending to had diarrhea to an extreme. He's had two accidents since this morning, and I've had to wash his DCU's [desert uniform] out twice. He looks like he feels terrible. He was so dehydrated that his blood vessels were sunken in. I had to stick him three times before I could get a running IV. I hooked him up with Normal saline 9 percent with a piggyback Ringers Lactate. After about three hours he seems better, but the heat is still trying on him. While I await his bag changes I write to you. I was just thinking of how I wished very much for mail and more mail from you. One of my sister soldiers from Udairi just told me that she had some mail for me. And as soon as she unloads from Udairi she'll give it to me. I can't wait! Oh, time to change his bags … .

Aye. It would've been a different thing if she had written World Net Daily. But what we got here is a husband who quit his legitimate job in 1996 (I believe) in order to pursue "freelance journalism". Now, on 9/11, this woman felt like she needed to do something. She had been in the Army before back in the 80s so she decided she should join the reserves at 40 yrs of age. First she had to lose a lot of weight. So this is somebody who was fairly motivated to get back in.

Her unit gets called up and she leaves her family behind and heads to Iraq. She doesn't hear hide nor hair of her husband in all that time but she's writing him steadily, letting him know what's going on, describing things etc. She finally gets to make a phone call and he gives her sh!t on the phone. Now, she's off in the middle of this cesspool, putting up with a fair amount of hardship in service of her nation, not knowing if she's going to die or not and you know she's been living to make this phone call to him. And he gives her grief- probably wanting to know when she's coming home and telling her all about how hard it is just him and the younguns. You'll note his wife had to remind him that he would actually have to pay for a stamp to put on a letter if he was going to send her mail. What a butthole. He's too cheap to buy a stamp to send his wife some mail.

Then he turns around and does a little "freelance journalism" by sending her letters to him off to WND. I'm sure he got money for it. So she provided the meat for his "freelance work". So she's doing her job and his job too and it's not even clear if she even knows he's done this.

I don't know if you read the article I posted on that other thread, but this husband of hers doesn't seem to do much but sit around and complain. He complained that he couldn't break away to go to the family support meeting the Army had. When he complained to the chaplain, the chaplain told him to "Get with the program" and be supportive of his wife.

I think that's what he needs to do. Send her some care packages and write her every day and quit parading around her personal thoughts to him on the internet for all to see. I found the descriptions of the desert, storms and dysentary interesting but the personal parts to him seemed like going through someone's underwear drawer. I wish her well though. She seems like she's coping, doing her job and helping to accomplish the mission.

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