Posted on 06/23/2003 10:45:04 AM PDT by PJ-Comix
I just saw The Matrix Reloaded and I have made a sacred Matrix Resolution: I will NEVER, under any circumstances, pay to see The Matrix Revolutions when it is released later this year.
Why torture myself again? It was sheer hell trying to keep my eyes open while watching The Matrix Reloaded. Actually I did doze off three or four times but can you blame me? The Matrix Reloaded was the most BORING movie I've ever seen. However, that is not condemnatory enough. The Matrix Reloaded was the WORST move that I ever had the misfortune to sit through. It even makes the horrid Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles look like a cinematic work of art.
At least with the latter movie I could understand most of the Aussie English. The Matrix Reloaded has an entirely new language that is impossible to understand: "Matrixspeak." Matrixspeak has English words but they are composed in such a way that it sounds like indecipherable gibberish. Here are some examples of Matrixspeak:
"I am the Architect. I created the matrix. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant."
Huh? Who's on first? Yes. What? No. What's on third . . . ; Huh?
"Because you didn't come here to make a choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it."
Huh? I wished I understood why I ever made the choice to see such a stupid movie with the dumb dialogue of The Matrix Reloaded.
"You destroyed me, Mr. Anderson. Afterwards, I was aware of the rules. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't. I was compelled to stay- compelled to disobey. And right now, here I stand because of you, Mr. Anderson. Because of you, I'm no longer an Agent of this system. Because of you, I'm unplugged. A new man, sort of speak- like you. Apparently free."
Huh? Is there an English-Matrixspeak dictionary out there to translate this babble?
"Appearances can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason why we're here. We're not here because we're free. We're here because we're not free. There is no escaping reason; no denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist."
Huh? And without script, plot would not exist which is the problem with The Matrix Reloaded.
"Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here."
Huh? This movie is an anomaly which despite my sincerest efforts I was unable to eliminate from view which inexorably ruined my brain's harmony that until now operated with a mathematical precision. While I tried to avoid The Matrix Reloaded it remains a burden on my memory banks which has led me, assiduously, out of the theater . . .
I haven't the slightest idea what I just wrote means but it still makes a hell of a lot more sense than The Matrix Reloaded script. And this is just a small sample of the mumbo-jumbo in that incomprehensible movie.
The first movie of this series, The Matrix, was also dumb but at least it had it's interesting moments. Keanu Reeves portrayed a computer hacker named Thomas Anderson aka Neo aka "The One" who finds out that all of human reality is nothing more than an elaborate virtual reality computer simulation program created by machines for the purpose of harvesting the human life essence for battery power. What a dopey concept! Why not just raise chickens for their battery power? You don't need a fancy computer program to keep chickens preoccupied. You just stick them in vast coop condos stacked up one atop another as is already done at chicken farm factories. The fringe benefit is that after using the chickens (with a lot of eggs along the way) for battery power, you can fry them up and pack them in handy take-home KFC buckets.
But why even use living organisms for battery power? I guarantee you that a high voltage lithium battery can supply a lot more power than an average human. Imagine using Joe Lieberman to power your cell phone. Lieberman's energy level is so low that you wouldn't even get through a couple of minutes of your call before your cell phone goes dead.
About the only scene that promised to be of interest in The Matrix Reloaded was when Monica Bellucci as Persephon demanded that Neo kiss her hard on her perfect lips in order for her to tell him the location of the Keymaker. Not only did Neo get to kiss her full on the incredible lips but Persephone demanded a more convincing encore. Does anybody know if Monica Bellucci's lips are the result of silicon injections or are they real? If the latter, the Bellucci Lip gene needs to be isolated and spread liberally among the female population at large via genetic engineering. By the same token, Web Hubbell's lower lip gene needs to be isolated and DESTROYED. That ugly lower lip gene must not be allowed to be passed on to yet another generation.
Anyway, Monica Bellucci's miraculous lips were completely wasted on Keanu Reeves. Yeah, he's The One alright. So is Tom Cruise, Richard Chamberlain, and Tab Hunter. They're Ones too. So this marks the second time this year that the Bellucci lips were ruined by a script. The first time was in Tears Of The Sun where Bellucci's lips were smeared with blood, snot, and mud through most of the movie.
Too bad I can't get a shot at kissing Bellucci's lips. That kiss I gave to Tipper on the Democrat convention stage was nothing compared to the smooch I would lay on Monica Bellucci if given a chance. And, unlike Keanu Reeves, I would appreciate kissing her since I'm not "One" despite having to get Alpha Male advice from Naomi Wolf.
Even the much-vaunted CGI effects in The Matrix stunk. The problem was that they looked like CGI effects. The whole purpose of CGI effects is so you DON'T know they are special effects. The amazing thing is that the nearly fifty year old Forbidden Planet had MUCH BETTER special effects than The Matrix Reloaded. Who can forget the awesome scene of the gigantic self-maintenance computer in the core of the planet? Or the Monster from the Id attacking the space crew? In addition, the characters of Forbidden Planet actually spoke English rather than the uninterpretable Matrixspeak.
I dread to think what the directors of The Matrix Reloaded, the Brothers Wachowski, would do if they were given the opportunity to remake Forbidden Planet. Most likely they would present us with a thousand Robbie the Robots. Think that's a ridiculous assumption? Well, think again because that's just what they did in The Matrix Reloaded. They took the one interesting character, Agent Smith from The Matrix, and multiplied him about a thousand times over in the sequel. I guess they figured that if one Agent Smith was good, then ten Agent Smiths would be even better exceeded only by a hundred agent Smiths and, best of all, a THOUSAND Agent Smiths.
Another problem with The Matrix Reloaded was how it took its own pseudo-profundity so seriously. It had such characters as The Keymaker, The Oracle (a Yoda ripoff), and The Architect. All that was missing was The Bookmaker, The Scorekeeper, and The Goalie.
Oh, there was one character that promised to be interesting: A really annoying French guy called Merovingian. The problem was that I couldn't understand a word he said. And I don't mean the few words of French he spoke. It was when he talked in Matrixspeak that left me bewildered.
So The Matrix Reloaded was nothing but a plotless movie with an indecipherable script recited by pretentious and boring characters. Too bad the Brothers Wachowski don't make a movie about themselves, specifically about Larry Wachowski. Now THAT movie I would pay to see. Here is how the TRUE plot of the movie would go:
A cross-dressing Larry Wachowski dumps his wife in favor of a dominatrix who is required to beat him. The dominatrix, meanwhile, has a jealous husband or is it a wife because the "husband" is a transsexual. Meanwhile Larry is planning to have a sex change operation. And if you think that is painful, it won't hurt nearly as much as the fact that Mrs. Wachowski got mad over being ditched for a dominatrix and froze her hubby's entire earnings of MILLIONS from The Matrix Reloaded, thus causing him to miss out on the big payday of his cross- dressing life. OUCH!
Of course, such a movie should be a comedy so that we can laugh at Larry Wachowski as payback for torturing us with his horrible movie. Director Ed Wood was a cross-dresser too who also made lousy movies but at least Plan 9 From Outer Space with its crude special effects (such as a burning paper plate being passed off as a flying saucer in flames) was campy. The Matrix Reloaded isn't campy at all It's just CRAPPY.
The best description of The Matrix Reloaded comes from another movie, Apocalypse Now, which actually had a great (John Milius) script. As Colonel Kurtz in that movie said: "The horror . . . The horror . . ."
Therefore on my Chad Rating Scale of one to ten chads with ten chads being best, The Matrix Reloaded doesn't even rate a hanging chad (although I would love to hang everybody associated with this cinematic travesty). Instead I am unloading on The Matrix Unloaded with a big fat ZERO chads because that movie is utterly WORTHLESS. The only people who can claim to like it are nerdy technogeeks and they are probably only pretending to enjoy it since they figure this movie is only incomprehensible because it is so complexly profound. The truth is that The Matrix Reloaded is impossible to understand only because it is completely IDIOTIC.
This is the NEW Al Gore keepin' it real with this review. And, remember, Hillary is The One . . . And Janet Reno is One too.
Why not just raise chickens for their battery power?
Good question.
Just in case you don't want to search, PJ-Comix regularly posts these reviews by Al Gore (Typing by P.J. Gladnick).
Let's remake Casablanca with dozens upon dozens of Ricks.
Some of the theories floating around are that the machines are not actually using the humans for the stated purpose (remember, the machines have a "form of fusion" for power as well).
And as for the incomprehensibility of the plot, it's only complicated inosfar as the Gnostic mythology from which it is derived is rather difficult to convey to the MTV generation.
With all due repect to Mr. Bogart - How about hundreds of Ingred Bergmann's instead?
:-)
Uh-Oh. The Matrix Acolytes on the FR will probably excommunicate you for that. A lot of folks actually treat that whole Matrix Shtick like it's some sort of real philosophy that should be taken seriously.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
A shorter way of saying: In a complex system like the Matrix, something unplanned for and unexpected is going to occur at some point. The anomaly that crops up is Neo.
English enthusiasts won't be pleased either. Once more into the breach, dear friends!
This review is the only thing Al Gore ever wrote every word of which with I agree.That said, yes. I was stunned at how bad this movie was.
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