He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | June 15, 2003 | Mary Mitchell

[Mister Magoo]

He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

June 15, 2003

BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.

On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.

Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.

"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."

Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.

"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.

Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.

"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.

"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.

"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."

In the abstinence world, a date is a date.

"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."

But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.

""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.

On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.

"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."

Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.

"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."

As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.

For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.

[B4Ranch]

>>Assuming that your motivation is to find the right wife forever, making sure you are sexually compatible is as important as making sure you agree on children and handling money. <<

I was wondering how many posts I would have to read before common sense entered the picture. (29) Sex is a normal part of life between married folks. I think I'm correct about this after 27 years with the same lady.

[B4Ranch]

>>I must add: " ...living in a society that is increasingly and progressively saturated, 24/7, with sexual stimulus."<<


Much to the pride of NAMBLA and the other queer organizations.

[hinckley buzzard]

But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

Apparently there are a number of FReepers who think 6 months of dating is ample time to decide on a lifetime commitment. For some it is, but for many serious sober people, it is a minimal amount of time. The old maxim "Act in haste, repent at leisure" applies here.

[UnbelievingScumOnTheOtherSide]

Would women a hundred years ago tolerated this?

Women 100 years ago got married 10 years younger, with 15 not being an uncommon age. In fact, I knew of someone in high school who married out of 9th grade at 15. Staying celibate to 15 should not be a problem. There is no point waiting 15 more years for that one-in-a-million. That would take at least a few millennia. If you marry one-in-twenty, you've got the top 5%. You are not going to get the top 1% unless you are the top 1-2% yourself anyway.

[BlazingArizona]

I was wondering how many posts I would have to read before common sense entered the picture. (29) Sex is a normal part of life between married folks. I think I'm correct about this after 27 years with the same lady.

Further proof that my own advice works: on 6/3, it will have been 27 years together for us, too.

[cyborg]

Praise da Lawd Jayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyysus! I do believe I've witnessed a miracle. A thread that died almost two years ago has been brought back to life!

[k2blader]

Wow, a bunch of foolish FReepers arguing against abstinence. Whoddah thunkit.

[k2blader]

So it has!

I guess I won't think it's that dumb then.

[cyborg]

Some of these way back threads can be oldies but gooddies *lol*

[NYC GOP Chick]

Aha! I *knew* I'd find you on this thread! ;)

[cyborg]

LOL! Yup ;-)

[NYC GOP Chick]

Some things never change!

[mowkeka]

But if you are still celibate at 33, there is something wrong. If you look at it through a wordly perspective, yes, there is something wrong with you. But if you look at it like God looks at it there is nothing wrong. Just pick up the Bible. Plenty of God's loyal servants remained celibate their entire lives. Free love isn't so free.

[Tribune7]

:-)

[Petronski]

Praise da Lawd Jayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyysus!

I just got a mental image of you in a pearly white suit head to toe and a gold-nugget wristband. ;O)

[PurVirgo]

If the girl even implies that she either a) likes, admires, enjoys, or has ever at any point in history dated a "bad boy" she can go to hell. I will never be friends or respect or even talk to her.

News flash - I don't know of any girl that hasn't at one point in her life been attracted to, or dated a "bad boy". Myself included. I've learned my lesson, and so have most of my girlfriends... people change.

[streetpreacher]

Who is Robert A. Heinlein? What authority does he bring to the subject? On what foundation does his assertion rest? If it is just his opinion of right and wrong, then he is being morally relativistic. After all, who's to say that his definition is the right one? I could just as easily argue:

"Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily things that impede upon my own happiness. All other 'sins' are invented nonsense."

Just because murder is a sin to you doesn't mean it is to another.  And who wants to be the moral arbiter on "unnecessarily"?  What if I find it "necessary" to hurt others who "impede upon my own happiness"?  Who is Robert Heinlein to tell me I can't do that?  Who decides these moral questions?

Only One Being has the right to make a Universal Judgment on issues of sin and right and wrong and his name is not Robert Heinlein.

[Rca2000]

Oh boy, ANOTHER one of these threads, where "anything I say, can and WILL be used against me," by fellow FReepers!LOL!!

SO, all I will say, is that I too admire this man, although I do NOT really consider him "celibate" he may have "renewed" his commitment to purity, but he has NOT evidently been that way, since birth.

And, BTW-- He should had been UP FRONT about his vow of purity, with that woman he dated for 6 months, and then dumped , because he did not feel he could "make a commitment" to her. I do feel, he most likely hurt her, by his "wasting her time".

As for me, I had an AWESOME weekend, Nowhere, starting Friday at the Dayton Hamfest, and then Saturday, at the Estes auction, and then, today, at Hamfest clean-up. Acquired computer hardware, tube audio items, SS amps, Kenwood receiver, Kenwood audio scope,(in original box, WORKS!!) tubes, CRT tester, tube tester,Round BW RCA tv,5" ac/dc color tv,'67 model RCA radio,3 riders manuals, Box of digital amp boards, sub amp, and other electronic items.

[Nowhere Man]

I'll fire off a quick explaination. Robert A. Heinlein (1909-1989) was a science fiction writer with a considerable following. He wrote books like "Farnham's Freehold," "Stranger in a Strange Land," and "Starship Troopers." Politically, he leaned conservative/libertarian, he's a wee bit too libertarian for me, but I don't toss the baby out with the bathwater, he does have some good ideas where people need to be more responsible.

In "Starship Troopers," the book (1959), he did foresee the problems of libertines where they wreck society so much with their PC claptrap, we ended up with an anything goes society to where things go to pot until military veterans rose up and took over to where before one can vote, theyh ave to serve for a term in the military. That's a wee bit too far for me, but I understand the logic to where one should be responsible and have a stake in society and understand it before having a say in it. I have posted my thoughts elsewhere on this.

In "Farnham's Freehold," (1964), it is about a family that survives a direct hit from an H-Bomb which caused them to go 2000 years into the future only to find out that the Third World survived the US/USSR atomic wars and generally took over. The religion of the people the family encountered seems to be Moslem based and anybody who is from the former First and Second (Communist Bloc/Warsaw Pact) World countries were kept as slaves or at times, eaten as food. Very chilling, kept me up at nights. I remember the Third World people called their god "Uncle" and they were experimenting with time travel. Towards the end, the protagonist and his girlfriend along with their twin sons were deemed to unruly for his owner but the owner had a soft spot in his heart for him so they made him go back to our time with a homing device so they can prove time travel exists so the Third World society from the future can go back in time to get more assets to become even more powerful. Well, when they got back to our time just before the missiles fly, he didn't want to help his master and society so he took the device, tossed it onto the target of one of the nukes so it would be vaporized and hid out until it was over to go on with his and his family's life and to hopefully break the cycle that would lead to what he saw in the future. I know I left a LOT out but it was a good story.

I think Robert A. Heinlein is one of the best SF writers out there, again there are things I don't agree with him on, but he does put out a good story and makes one think at times. Of course, like all of us, he is not infallible.