LADIES - Learn The RULES!!!!!!

Unknown | Unknown | Random E-Mail

[JoeSixPack1]

OK LADIES - LEARN THE RULES!!!!!!

The Rules developed by National Fairness to Men Organization. This time like the "United States Constitution" these rules are developed by Men. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules for all women to live by! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

Rules for Women to Live By

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Dog]

LOL!

[stands2reason]

LIGHT Beer?

Mmmmmmm....NaaaaaahhhhI don't think so....

[cake_crumb]

"True. That part was an honor..."

Good one! (I can tell when I'm up against an experience opponent - kudos)

[friendly]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need... = I want...

I am sorry = you'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry = I am hungry

I am sleepy = I am sleepy

I am tired = I am tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you

[najida]

I am in my mid to late 30's and I my hair is down to the middle of my back. I am definitely in the minority in Nashville. Most women have the bobbed "do's". My husband always wonders why all the women have the same haircut and no make-up look. Well, it takes a while to get my "do" ready but he always tells me how much he likes my hair, and to never cut it! I will keep it long until I really feel that I need a more age appropriate "do". I have (2) boys; 3 and 7 months. Pony tails are a "good thing" too!
______________

Well, I think a woman at any age can look good with longer hair. The logic being that as your face sags and the lines start coming in, the longer hair just pulls your face down further.

I for one, will NOT admit defeat!

Ya just have to find a WONDERFUL hairdresser (like mine, who is now in my will). With the right cut, style and highlights, you can look gorgeous to 99.

[cake_crumb]

"HOWEVER, I am now extremely well versed and well aquainted with the staffs at Home Depot and Lowes.... "

LOL...yeah, I can relate: I'm pretty familiar with the staffs and stocks of all the home improvement stores in the area too.

[cake_crumb]

"Why don't you just tell them that you will meet them at the restaurant?"

We will if we ever accept again. For the anniversary thing, we decided to ride together. Therein, in hindsight, lay the problem.

[honeygrl]

"In the South we teach a gentleman not to piss on his hands."

Yep, my hubby says he'll wash his hands if he gets something on them. So when he comes out of the restroom with wet hands I always worry whether or not he used soap.

[honeygrl]

I responded before I read any further down. That goes along with my impulsive nature.

[cake_crumb]

"LIGHT Beer?"

LOL..good point : to each his or her own! CHEERS! (raising a can of Keystone Light)

Online with teething angel's mom now....she appears to be changing her mind about leaving tonight....hopeful reschedualing for next week when he's feeling better : his "last" (her word) tooth came in last night

[stands2reason]

Have actually said:

I've decided to stop start wearing clothes around the house.

and

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football at least there's the NBA finals. (A hernia and a wedding anniversary clashed.)

[madison10]

Women cut their hair 'cause it's easier to care for when their husbands make them go to work full-time to earn "extra" money for the "extra" toys.

[cake_crumb]

"My husband always wonders why all the women have the same haircut and no make-up look"

LOL...that may be a universal thing. And yes, ponytails are the perfect answer.

[stands2reason]

I suppose by the same token, all women. I bet we all recognize ourselves in these little diddies!

Not me...then again, I'm low-maintenance.

[JoeSixPack1]

Does Winn-Dixie supermarket count as "shopping" ??

Even when they have 2for1 rib slabs?? :-)

[sweet virginia]

I have an appointment next Wed. for a headfull of highlights!! Hair color is maturing girls Best Friend! I agree with you completely.

[austinTparty]

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

My philosophy has always been that when it comes to ogling women, you may always use three of your five senses. But no touching or tasting, okay?

Agreed-but doing so when your S.O. is with you is very bad taste. Telling your S.O. about how hot or wonderful some other chick you saw was is also very, very bad taste. Ogling a chick then telling your buddy how hot a chick she is while your significant other is within earshot is very, very bad taste and is likely to get you sleeping on the couch.

[cake_crumb]

"Well, I think a woman at any age can look good with longer hair. The logic being that as your face sags and the lines start coming in, the longer hair just pulls your face down further."

Another good point...conversly, pulling the long hair back also pulls the skin back. $$$$$$$ cosmetology for free. (Not a model, but used to date a bigwig with Max Factor)

[cake_crumb]

"Does Winn-Dixie supermarket count as "shopping" ??"

To ME it does. ANY supply run, where you can run through the store and get a week or more worth of necessities stashed in the back of the vehicle in 20 minutes or less counts as shopping...but the GOOD kind! Speed CAN be our friend! ;- )

[cake_crumb]

"Agreed-but doing so when your S.O. is with you is very bad taste. Telling your S.O. about how hot or wonderful some other chick you saw was is also very, very bad taste. Ogling a chick then telling your buddy how hot a chick she is while your significant other is within earshot is very, very bad taste and is likely to get you sleeping on the couch"

Bad taste?? More than that: ALL are grounds for kicking outta the door POSTE HASTE!!