Challenged Columnist Spends Tax Rebate

The Northampton Gazette ^ | May 21, 2003 | Bruce Watson

[dilpo]

UNDER the current administration, nothing is certain except death and tax cuts. Now another tax cut is looming, and I'm all for it because after all, it's your money.

When I got my $600 check from the last tax cut, I was grateful that you, the people, had given me more of your money. You could have spent that money collectively on schools, highways, health care, etc., but as patriotic individuals, you elected leaders who gave that money to me so I could blow it on the good things in life - more things, bigger things, digital things, things I saw advertised and just had to have.

And why not? Spending all your money, spending more money than you have, spending it all on yourself, spending away your future, your country, your children's inheritance - it's the American way.

But I decided not to waste my $600 on the usual things. Instead, I used my rebate patriotically to prove how tax cuts contribute to the common good.

First, I built a highway. True, it was a short highway, about 6 inches long, but as a patriotic individual, I couldn't afford more. So now I have a 6-inch strip of asphalt in my front yard. It doesn't go anywhere. I can't drive on it. But if each American built his own 6-inch highway, think what an interstate system we'd have. And once this forthcoming tax cut hits, our richest fellow citizens will build even longer highways - 100, 200, 500 yards - leading from our potholed streets straight to their plush estates. Talk about sharing the wealth!

Next I opened my own public school. I couldn't afford a full school but I did my best. Classes meet Monday morning from 8:45 to 8:47 a.m. My school has no building, no books, no desks, just a teacher - me - earning the $135 I could afford to pay myself. I'm trying to qualify for school vouchers, but in the meantime, my school and millions of other two-minute schools started by other patriotic individuals will teach our kids the value of citizenship. My motto is e pluribus pluribus - out of many, many.

With schools and roads taken care of, I turned to defense. Like the feds, I budgeted a quarter of my revenue on this crucial component of a free society. You can't create much shock and awe for $150 but I got plenty of bang for my buck. At an army surplus store, I bought a used wing nut from an M-1 tank. Then I bought a flak jacket so the world will know that like my president, I can beat up any terrorist on the block.

With basic needs cared for, it was time to clean up the environment. I couldn't afford much - no toxic superfund cleanup of our shed - but I paid a neighbor's kid $15 to take some old paint cans to the dump. Job creation! Then I bought several cases of bottled water and a gas mask. If every American cleaned up his own little environment, we could close down that troublesome EPA.

Finally, I saved enough of my tax rebate to fund a great health care plan that kept me stocked with Band-Aids and aspirin for a full six months. I tossed my last quarter to a homeless guy on the street - my welfare program - and my own private government came in on budget, unlike some governments I know.

But wait, I hear some say, What about housing? Urban renewal? Transportation? Higher education? All those things that make a society? Sorry, no room in my budget for class warfare.

Since I'm not in the top 1 percent of income earners, I'll only get crumbs from this new tax cut, so the only certainty I have left is death. I'm ready for that, too. My own private government - of me, by me, for me - has left a part of me already dead.

[wjcsux]

This guy looks like he has used a little too much Cocaine during his lifetime.

[billhilly]

Is that it?

[nothingnew]

Psycho nit-wit.

FMCDH

[nothingnew]

Is that "Billy the Kid" from "The Green Mile"?

FMCDH

[Publius6961]

When I got my $600 check from the last tax cut, I was grateful that you, the people, had given me more of your money. You could have spent that money collectively on schools, highways, health care, etc., but as patriotic individuals, you elected leaders who gave that money to me so I could blow it on the good things in life - more things, bigger things, digital things, things I saw advertised and just had to have.

Gollleeee!

This MENSA candidate is trying reverse psychology on us.

Now we are supposed to have a hissy fit because he got some of his own money back and...

**GASP**

Spend it as he saw fit!

Moron!!

It's your crowd that reacts that way to other people's independence.

I couldn't care less if you set yours on fire.
Try another tack, brainiac.

[Republicus2001]

he looks like he spent it on booze! (hic)

[SamAdams76]

The real crime here isn't that this columnist got $600 back in taxes. The real crime is that he actually got paid for writing this column. Maybe he should have given his $600 rebate to the newspaper that hired him and kept him from having to find a real job.