'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[SauronOfMordor]

A lot of bitterness, but a lot of truth, as well. Unfortunately, our culture shapes this attitude.

I'm not bitter, because I don't have this issue in my marriage. I tend to get amused at the viewpoints of the "women's advice" types, though.

In my own marriage, I try to deliver what she wants, and I have an expectation that she deliver what I want in fair exchange. She keeps me happy, I keep her happy. If she is not interested in keeping me happy, then she should have no expectation that I will continue any effort to keep her happy. If she walks into a store to get something, she's not allowed to walk out with it without paying what's on the price tag. Same deal at home.

A woman who does not respect and admire a man, will find herself unable to love him. If she can get away with walking all over him, then she will lose respect. I've seen it happen with three of my friends: all of them were extreme "nice guys", faithful, gave the wife what she wanted. All three wives left for the "better deal", with two of the three acquiring their new boyfriends before dumping hubby.

My approach is simple: you do your part, and I'll do mine. If I notice you playing "Cosmopolitan" head games on me, I'll be annoyed. Getting me annoyed is not a stepping-stone on your path to a happy time.

[TruthNtegrity]

Sigh*

The fact that someone as interesting as you would be moving to the opposite coast from where I live is truly depressing. Just when I began to think that there might be someone enjoyable to spend the week-ends with.... *sniff*

Now I will have to start all over again!

Awww, you make me feed badly but I already live on the opposite coast! I'm living in road-rage, hectic 2-career marriages are mandatory, needed roads not being built No. VA. I'm hoping to find a slower pace of life on the beach with a pool in my yard, and in an area where I might have a chance at getting back into the workforce (IT) AND find lots of available men in the area (military bases). If nothing else, I'll be where I'll have warmer weather, can swim in my pool for more of the year, even if giving up snow means that I'll probably see more hurricanes. Sigh. Nothing is perfect, is it?

[Nita Nupress]

I understood your merry-go-round analogy just fine. It was your woman=Cinderella, man=ugly step-sister type metaphors that demonstrate chauvinism (the definition of which is an exercise for the student).

I'm sorry you interpreted my metaphors in that way.  Your reactive cry of "chauvinism" may originate from something out of your own past experiences rather than from my metaphors.  Did you not see my purposeful reference about a man being "quite normal" when he wants a lot of sex?    

What comes first?  The woman who resents the hell out of her mate and buries herself in the housework to escape his endless (but quite normal) desire for sexual fulfillment? 

And the last time I looked, Cinderella was not an obsessive-compulsive who used housework as an excuse to avoid sharing her body with her husband.

[Under the Radar]

....consequently, if women know how sexy it was to saaaaaaaaaaaaay......install stage three injectors and a pyrometer in a Dodge Turbodiesel, they'd get more too........

Some of us know that that is very, very sexy. :^)

[watchin]

So much insight into the male side of things, and you're a woman? I never would have guessed from that thread! If your husband understands women the way you understand men, you must have a dynamite marriage.

[Under the Radar]

Before the invention of abortion and the pill, more than half the people born were accidents. The invention and widespread adoption of the pill happened too fast for nature to adapt new tricks. The result is having a profound impact on the gene pool. The smartest women do not have any kids, pretty much capping how smart women in general can be.

Huge BUMP!

[Nita Nupress]

My question was why would a man want to have sex with a woman who isn't willing and doesn't want sex? What is the point? It seems to me having sex with someone who WANTS to have sex with you (for whatever reason) would be the ideal.

That's because you're thinking like a female and not a male. Men get erections every time the wind changes direction, and many of them will go to great lengths to get rid of it. That's how God made them.

Of course they would rather have sex with someone they respect and love, but their world doesn't end if they have to settle for less. :-)

[glory]

I've been waiting for someone to say what I was thinking.
Ditto here--all was peachy(and active) up until the kids came along and only one of us worked outside of the home.

When we were two income and childless(or even after the birth of our first child)...ahhh those were the days sexually speaking!

[Utilizer]

Sigh. Nothing is perfect, is it?

No doubt, love. I can understand at least part of your rationale for moving, as I moved from Silicon Valley to the mountains of Northern California a couple of years ago. It has its drawbacks, but the serenity and beauty of the surrounding mountains and forests are a balm to the soul. Now if only I could find a nice FReeper gal to spend some time with (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, saynomore, saynomore, aaarrrghhhh ;b) ).

[scott7278]

That goes along with John Piper's main thesis: "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." He then rightly applies that to human relationships -- when you find your satisfaction in your spouse, and are doing things for his or her pleasure, the spouse is exalted far more than doing things out of duty or obligation.

[watchin]

If he actually agreed to that arrangement, you're making great progress. Sounds like maybe he needs to be educated about your needs a bit. Don't give up, keep trying.

[glory]

I absolutely agree with that. My mother was not much overweight, but lost about 20lbs and was fit--a really smoking size 6(from a 10)--guess what, it was shortly after she lost weight and had the confidence to finally learn to drive at the age of 38 that my father divorced her. HE WAS THE ONE WHO CHEATED, get this, AFTER MY MOTHER LOST WEIGHT(something he complained about incessantly!). It was never about the weight and that's even more evident 15 yrs post divorce and he's about to go through another divorce with the woman he cheated on my mother with originally. I still think couples who think that is it, should really explore just a little deeper to be sure there is nothing more to their relationship problems. For so many couples weight gain is just an easy smokescreen for real problems since it is such a visible thing to blame and that's true of individuals who are overweight and falsely think that their whole problem is weight and once it's off, all will be wonderful--it usually isn't and I don't think it ever is the whole issue in marriages either.

[TruthNtegrity]

I love your sense of humor. If I weren't set on this area of FL, I'd start to investigate whatever that area of CA is, where you are! I've heard that there's a part of the coast (Oregon? Wash?) that is called the "banana coast" because of the mild weather nevermind the beautiful scenery. Are you near there?

I'm hoping that your "wink, wink, saynomore, saynomore" attracts a FReeper lady who lives closer to you and with whom you could explore those weekends! Big sigh.

[glory]

God bless you! I just lost my grandmother(and last grandparent)--Her and my grandfather who passed in 89 had been married since 1942!
Wise words!

[watchin]

The point is there are worse things than being pestered for sex when you're not interested. Such as, never being pestered for sex and realizing it's because he's no longer interested. They do get the message eventually.

Yep, we do. A man who wants more than grudging consent, who wants to be loved and desired, will eventually be sick enough of rejection to overcome his sex drive. Regardless of his sex drive, a woman who is apparently repulsed by him is not sexy.

[SauronOfMordor]

My question was why would a man want to have sex with a woman who isn't willing and doesn't want sex? What is the point? It seems to me having sex with someone who WANTS to have sex with you (for whatever reason) would be the ideal.

When the guy is desirous of sexual release, and his wife is not in the mood, it seems to ME that going out to find "someone who WANTS to have sex with you (for whatever reason)" would create more problems than it solved. In a marriage or committed relationship, your choices are supposed to be limited to one person

The issue is not that she isn't in the mood. The issue is that she has so little interest in keeping him happy that she doesn't make an attempt to make him happy.

In my business, I have clients. I try very hard to keep them happy, because when I do, they keep me happy (I get paid). It doesn't matter whether I'm in the mood to keep them happy, or whether I'd prefer to sleep in today -- I know that if I don't keep them happy, then eventually they will go find somebody else who will.

I realize that in a marriage there will be times when people are tired, sick, or otherwise unable to get into the mood -- but there's a big difference between that, and simple unwillingness to make a good-faith attempt because you don't care

[Utilizer]

I've heard that there's a part of the coast (Oregon? Wash?) that is called the "banana coast" because of the mild weather nevermind the beautiful scenery. Are you near there?

No, sorry love. I live in the Sierra Nevada mountain range, at about the 4000 foot level. It gets quite warm here in the summer, and there is a manmade lake nearby that is quite beautiful that is perfect for watersports. However, it does snow in the winter. I did mention that there are drawbacks, did I not? Still, nothing like having a literal white Christmas, with the outdoors looking so perfect that you could take snapshots and sell them as postcards or Christmas card scenes.

Warm in the summer? How warm, you may ask? And well you might! Last summer the hottest day was 110 degrees. You had to either be indoors or in the water, it was so hot. Made for some quite interesting attire for everyone, especially since that entire week was in the upper eighties.

It was so hot that all the local stores and eating establishments ran out of ice. It was so hot that everyone wore only ONE layer (sometimes the leastmost layer) of the thinnest clothing possible -and some I did not previously think were possible. It was so hot that fish were jumping into boats demanding that we cease using their lake as our shower's hot-water tank! It was so hot that Reno demanded we return their sky's air-conditioning!

(of course, we never actually admitted to pinching it :p... )

[ohioWfan]

Wow! This thread is still going on??

Piper's thesis is completely consistent with Scripture (obviously) in that we are exalted through humility, and that we receive when we give, whether those principles be spiritual or physical.

I'm sure that no spouse is satisfied with obligatory sex, but there are also occasions when one or the other 'doesn't feel like it,' but puts his/her spouse above him/herself (thus, exalting her/him)and ends up receiving pleasure as well.

I also go back to the fact that sex within marriage is one of God's most amazing gifts to us, when used in accordance with His laws and His plan. It makes complete sense that the physical relationship is best in Christ-centered loving marriages, where God is dwelling in the hearts of couple, and is the center of their relationship, because the spiritual dimension adds a depth that cannot be experienced any other way.

I'd suggest that these DINS seek the answer to their problem with the Lord.......

[watchin]

Great idea!

[watchin]

Looking into a man's mind is like watching sausage being made.

ROTFLOL! Thanks for the laugh!