Posted on 05/15/2003 12:50:59 PM PDT by WaveThatFlag
Edited on 04/22/2004 11:48:54 PM PDT by Jim Robinson. [history]
A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.
(Excerpt) Read more at online.wsj.com ...
I'm not bitter, because I don't have this issue in my marriage. I tend to get amused at the viewpoints of the "women's advice" types, though.
In my own marriage, I try to deliver what she wants, and I have an expectation that she deliver what I want in fair exchange. She keeps me happy, I keep her happy. If she is not interested in keeping me happy, then she should have no expectation that I will continue any effort to keep her happy. If she walks into a store to get something, she's not allowed to walk out with it without paying what's on the price tag. Same deal at home.
A woman who does not respect and admire a man, will find herself unable to love him. If she can get away with walking all over him, then she will lose respect. I've seen it happen with three of my friends: all of them were extreme "nice guys", faithful, gave the wife what she wanted. All three wives left for the "better deal", with two of the three acquiring their new boyfriends before dumping hubby.
My approach is simple: you do your part, and I'll do mine. If I notice you playing "Cosmopolitan" head games on me, I'll be annoyed. Getting me annoyed is not a stepping-stone on your path to a happy time.
The fact that someone as interesting as you would be moving to the opposite coast from where I live is truly depressing. Just when I began to think that there might be someone enjoyable to spend the week-ends with.... *sniff*
Now I will have to start all over again!
Awww, you make me feed badly but I already live on the opposite coast! I'm living in road-rage, hectic 2-career marriages are mandatory, needed roads not being built No. VA. I'm hoping to find a slower pace of life on the beach with a pool in my yard, and in an area where I might have a chance at getting back into the workforce (IT) AND find lots of available men in the area (military bases). If nothing else, I'll be where I'll have warmer weather, can swim in my pool for more of the year, even if giving up snow means that I'll probably see more hurricanes. Sigh. Nothing is perfect, is it?
I'm sorry you interpreted my metaphors in that way. Your reactive cry of "chauvinism" may originate from something out of your own past experiences rather than from my metaphors. Did you not see my purposeful reference about a man being "quite normal" when he wants a lot of sex?
What comes first? The woman who resents the hell out of her mate and buries herself in the housework to escape his endless (but quite normal) desire for sexual fulfillment?
And the last time I looked, Cinderella was not an obsessive-compulsive who used housework as an excuse to avoid sharing her body with her husband.
Some of us know that that is very, very sexy. :^)
Huge BUMP!
That's because you're thinking like a female and not a male. Men get erections every time the wind changes direction, and many of them will go to great lengths to get rid of it. That's how God made them.
Of course they would rather have sex with someone they respect and love, but their world doesn't end if they have to settle for less. :-)
No doubt, love. I can understand at least part of your rationale for moving, as I moved from Silicon Valley to the mountains of Northern California a couple of years ago. It has its drawbacks, but the serenity and beauty of the surrounding mountains and forests are a balm to the soul. Now if only I could find a nice FReeper gal to spend some time with (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, saynomore, saynomore, aaarrrghhhh ;b) ).
Yep, we do. A man who wants more than grudging consent, who wants to be loved and desired, will eventually be sick enough of rejection to overcome his sex drive. Regardless of his sex drive, a woman who is apparently repulsed by him is not sexy.
When the guy is desirous of sexual release, and his wife is not in the mood, it seems to ME that going out to find "someone who WANTS to have sex with you (for whatever reason)" would create more problems than it solved. In a marriage or committed relationship, your choices are supposed to be limited to one person
The issue is not that she isn't in the mood. The issue is that she has so little interest in keeping him happy that she doesn't make an attempt to make him happy.
In my business, I have clients. I try very hard to keep them happy, because when I do, they keep me happy (I get paid). It doesn't matter whether I'm in the mood to keep them happy, or whether I'd prefer to sleep in today -- I know that if I don't keep them happy, then eventually they will go find somebody else who will.
I realize that in a marriage there will be times when people are tired, sick, or otherwise unable to get into the mood -- but there's a big difference between that, and simple unwillingness to make a good-faith attempt because you don't care
No, sorry love. I live in the Sierra Nevada mountain range, at about the 4000 foot level. It gets quite warm here in the summer, and there is a manmade lake nearby that is quite beautiful that is perfect for watersports. However, it does snow in the winter. I did mention that there are drawbacks, did I not? Still, nothing like having a literal white Christmas, with the outdoors looking so perfect that you could take snapshots and sell them as postcards or Christmas card scenes.
Warm in the summer? How warm, you may ask? And well you might! Last summer the hottest day was 110 degrees. You had to either be indoors or in the water, it was so hot. Made for some quite interesting attire for everyone, especially since that entire week was in the upper eighties.
It was so hot that all the local stores and eating establishments ran out of ice. It was so hot that everyone wore only ONE layer (sometimes the leastmost layer) of the thinnest clothing possible -and some I did not previously think were possible. It was so hot that fish were jumping into boats demanding that we cease using their lake as our shower's hot-water tank! It was so hot that Reno demanded we return their sky's air-conditioning!
(of course, we never actually admitted to pinching it :p... )
Piper's thesis is completely consistent with Scripture (obviously) in that we are exalted through humility, and that we receive when we give, whether those principles be spiritual or physical.
I'm sure that no spouse is satisfied with obligatory sex, but there are also occasions when one or the other 'doesn't feel like it,' but puts his/her spouse above him/herself (thus, exalting her/him)and ends up receiving pleasure as well.
I also go back to the fact that sex within marriage is one of God's most amazing gifts to us, when used in accordance with His laws and His plan. It makes complete sense that the physical relationship is best in Christ-centered loving marriages, where God is dwelling in the hearts of couple, and is the center of their relationship, because the spiritual dimension adds a depth that cannot be experienced any other way.
I'd suggest that these DINS seek the answer to their problem with the Lord.......
ROTFLOL! Thanks for the laugh!
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