'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[RMDupree]

That goes beyond the beyonds, IMHO>

What I would give to have a husband who wouldn't sigh heavily every time I asked him to hold the baby so I could... go to the bathroom, cook dinner, run the bath water, etc.

I also work full-time. When I say I am dead tired, I mean fall-asleep-on-your-feet tired.

He works until 2PM, hangs out his mother's house until I get home and then shows up right about dinner time. Oh and did I mention that every weekend he has to have an EIGHT HOUR band practice for a band that has NEVER played a single money making gig?

I'd love to have a sex life like I used to, but I am just so exhausted!

[Porterville]

By not being married, I can walk, anytime. I'll have kids in another nation before putting up with the legal system in CA.

[Rushmore Rocks]

Carlo, I love your posts...and your recipes are great, too.
I used to have a catering business. I'm mostly retired now, but still do a few jobs for favored friends and family. Also teach gourmet cooking classes when I have the time. Old chefs never die, they just............

[sonserae]

Bahhahhaaaha

[UB355]

In the scriptural ideal, marriage is about more than MY needs. If I put his needs first, and he puts my needs first, we both get what we most desire. Well put, that's exactly what advice I gave my daughter when she married only adding neither of them should be too needy.

[Born in a Rage]

we went without any intimacy for seven months

To men intimacy means sex....women need to feel loved and cared about in a tender way. That means listening to her, showing her respect, looking into her eyes - really caring. Saying words like, "You look pretty today" doesn't count. Anybody can say that to anybody. Give her the 'intimacy' she wants and you'll get the 'intimacy' you want - otherwise, we'd just be a bunch of sluts with low-self esteem, wouldn't we?

[FourPeas]

There is a inverse relationship between a woman's intelligence and how many children she will probably have.

"Birth and Fertility Rates by Educational Attainment"

Intelligence and educational attainment are not the same thing. Please cite a source that draws a direct link between intelligence and number of offspring.

[GregB]

no she has it backwards she should go to the backyard....

[Criminal Number 18F]

You said she was in great shape before, so there must be physical activities that SHE enjoys....?

Let me throw in another suggestion: a wonderful family activity is bike riding. It is a deep recreation, meaning that it can be as easy or as hard as you like. You can dabble in it, or get immersed in many different styles of riding. And it's quite impossible to do it without burning calories.

Very important, 'bert, if you do get her on the bike (or hiking trail or whatever), for Pete's sake go easy the first day. Go way easier than you think you need to. Because you are fit, you might unknowingly take it to the point where she'll be sore on Day 2... which means the follow-up ride on Day 3 ain't gonna happen.

There's a lot of creative ways for your daughter to enjoy the bike ride, too -- depends on her age.

Good luck...

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F

[RMDupree]

To men intimacy means sex....women need to feel loved and cared about in a tender way

I think that is one of the major communication glitches we have in relationships.

I want so badly to reclaim what we once had, but I cannot do it without his help. But he doesn't want to help me until he can reclaim what we once had. :(

[FreedomPoster]

In a previous FR thread, there was a statement made about the secret to a happy marriage that really stuck with me. Pardon me if it has already been posted, I only read the first page, and now the last.

The secret to a happy marriage:

For the husband to listen, really *listen* to the wife for at least 15 minutes a day.

For the wife to have sex with the husband at least once a week.

It seems pretty reasonable.

[mlmr]

Interesting that there is no mention of the biggest No Sex issue in marrige counselors offices across the country...one or both spouses masturbating to pornography.

[Criminal Number 18F]

Saying words like, "You look pretty today" doesn't count. Anybody can say that to anybody.

Yeah? I defy you to say that... to Hillary!

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F

[RMDupree]

Yeah? I defy you to say that... to Hillary!

Or Helen Thomas...or Janet Reno...or Susan Estrich...or...

LOL!

[choppersrule]

"Holding back on sex is almost always accompanied by belittling, nagging, and complaining by the wife. This tried and true tactic of making molehills into mountains is to ensure that the husband feels he does not deserve his wife's sexual favors.

If your wife does not respect you as a man when you get married -- forget about it -- you'll spend the rest of your married years begging for sex. "

preach on brotherman!

[ohioWfan]

And, He wouldn't have allowed us old women beyond the age of bearing children to still enjoy ourselves!

;-)

More and more as time goes by, mombonn! hehe

[Woahhs]

I also recognized that it's not that hard for a woman to participate in sex. I mean, it's not like we have to actually put on a glorious performance every night. What's the problem with these lazy, selfish women?

Give this woman a kewpie doll! It would seem that, at least for American women, they have been pampered so long they think being pampered is their proper state of existence. Therefore, that which is not pampering is onerous.

Being a Mom is certainly no picnic, but it is job largely defined by the one doing it. I'd take that deal anytime.

[mlmr]

Do not think that women are the only ones who hold out on sex. Many a sex deprived woman with and isolating, mastubating husband has lived a lonely and deprived life. It is a heartbreaking scene.

[mlmr]

Do not think that women are the only ones who hold out on sex. Many a sex deprived woman with and isolating, mastubating husband has lived a lonely and deprived life. It is a heartbreaking scene.

[omegatoo]

To men intimacy means sex
Bingo. The more you focus on sex, the more your wife begins to think that the only important thing about her is sex. She begins to feel that you think she is worthless unless she gives you sex, which makes her less likely to want to give it to you. It is a vicious cycle, but at this point you are the only one who can break it. Yes, you.

You have to find a way to let her know that you would still love her without sex. (Or wouldn't you?) Didn't you fall in love before you had sex? What did you do then? Hold hands, make out, spontaneous shoulder rubs? All without expecting sex to happen immediately afterward. (wishing is not the same as expecting)

Men complain that they do those things and their wives think they are doing them only to get sex. Well that is because you ARE doing them only to get sex (we really CAN read your minds, you know), and if the wife doesn't put out that night the man thinks he's wasted his time. You're going to have to operate on her time scale now, and things aren't going to change overnight. If you do those things consistently, sincerely, without in any way hinting that you want sex, you might just get her to begin to believe that you still love her, for herself, not just for sex. And that is the only way to enable her to give herself fully to you again. She needs to be able to be intimate without sex.

Been there 2 cents,

O2