Posted on 04/29/2003 11:41:13 AM PDT by f.Christian
THE BUZZZZZZZ 6
(RUMORS CURRENTLY AIRBORNE) ©
by Norman Liebmann
The buzz is, due to the litigious atmosphere that now pervades the church, parishioners taking confession are bringing along attorneys to plea bargain their penance.
The buzz is, at a political dinner, a left wing operative overheard Walter Cronkite’s stomach rumble and added it to the list of Democrat talking points.
The buzz is, entomologists report flies will not infest any booth in which Bill Clinton has either relieved himself or voted.
The buzz is, some optimistic medical authorities in Toronto believe the SARS epidemic may finally be the means of stemming the spread of socialized medicine in Canada.
The buzz is, a prominent endocrinologist claims the reason Jane Fonda is involved in so many protests is because her glands over-secrete a hormone called protesterone.
The buzz is, an upcoming edition of Car and Driver will feature on its cover either Indy winner Richard Petty or Clara Harris.
The buzz is, a fast food chain is hoping to get Bill Clinton to endorse their new specialty – the spermburger.
The buzz is, Jimmy Carter didn’t actually serve on a submarine, but, in the interest of safety, the Navy wisely assigned him to duty aboard a destroyer that was sunk during World War I.
The buzz is, Patrick Leahy and Jim Jeffords try to stay in good graces with their constituencies in Vermont by referring to themselves as same-sex colleagues. Which sex that is, at this writing, remains uncertain.
The buzz is, Governor Bill Richardson will encourage legislation to change the name of his state from New Mexico to New Barrio.
The buzz is, Bill Clinton likes to carry on clandestine negotiations with foreign leaders behind our backs, using his own patented technique for doing diplomacy “doggie-style.”
The buzz is, Susan Estrich gargles with Rustoleum. There can be no other explanation for that voice.
The buzz is, Paula Poundstone wears a medical alert bracelet that reads, "In case of an accident notify the Roller Derby."
The buzz is, Teddy Kennedy has checked into a rehab center suffering from swizzle stick fatigue.
The buzz is, Bill Clinton is high on Senator Kerry’s list of prospective prostate donors, although Hillary has made other arrangements for it.
The buzz is, Clinton told Canadian Jean Chretien the politically incorrect joke about the Irishman, the Italian, and why hockey pucks are black.
The buzz is, a cable network plans to re-run the series “Roots” backward so that all the slaves will end up back in Africa - to give it a happy ending - or a happy beginning – whichever it turns out to be.
The buzz is, a cardiologist who apparently much admires Martha Stewart has replaced a patient’s pacemaker with a Cuisinart.
The buzz is, a nationally-known mattress company is wooing Bill Clinton to be the company’s inspirational spokesperson to kick off National Sleep Around Week.
The buzz is, the Clinton Library will not have a replica of the Oval Office pantry sink in which Bubba finished himself off, but it may have a mock up of the Oval Office Window through which he was accustomed to urinate into the Rose Garden.
The buzz is, medical researchers have been unable to discover how the SARS epidemic can enter the United States, although through a microscope it appears that many of the SARS viruses are wearing serapes.
The buzz is, Colin Powell has sprung a leak in his charisma.
The buzz is, Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi are said to suffer from a common embarrassment. Both are afflicted with VPL (Visible Panty Line.)
The buzz is, the mole that Hanna Ashrawi had removed from her face weighed six pounds seven ounces. She has put it up for adoption.
The buzz is, in an upcoming edition Playboy will feature The Ladies of Leisure World. They’ve already nominated Walter Cronkite as this year’s “hunk” - proving, once again, you’re never too old to be too old.
The buzz is, a computer company is at work on a “firewall” that will block Governor Gray Davis from using the Internet to give California any further financial hysterectomies.
The buzz is, Bill Clinton’s picture turned up on a deck of pornographic playing cards. He requested it be removed, but only because a member of the Black Caucus told him the word “shuffle” is politically incorrect.
The buzz is, during a visit to Florida Senator Robert Byrd over-imbibed from the Fountain of Senility. Fortunately, he is expected to retain his seat in the Senate where no one notices those things.
The buzz is, Clinton ordered the diversionary Cruise missile attack on a Sudanese pharmaceutical factory even after the aspirins offered to surrender one at a time.
The buzz is, the ACLU will take the position that it is protected speech to paint moustaches on Mount Rushmore. The courts have not yet ruled whether the same applies to pulling the pedestal out from under the Statue of Liberty.
and …
The buzz is, Susan Sarandon is considering recreating her simpy role in a new film called The Rocky Horror Clinton Show.
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