Posted on 04/22/2003 6:22:33 AM PDT by knuthom
The following draft news release is believed to have been left behind by former Iraqi information minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, known in the West as "Comical Ali."
For Immediate Release
Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf today released the terms of surrender to the coalition infidels who claim to have captured Iraq. The terms are as follows:
1. Invading infidel forces must stop pretending that statues of President Saddam have been torn down throughout Iraq. As the Information Minister I condemn the use of such trick photography. Why don't American networks start showing real news clips like we showed the media the other day? Especially the one of our President receiving an award for heroism at Saddam Airport -- which is still under our control after the heroic defence by the Republican Guard.
2. All looters must be shot on sight. Most of them are American soldiers in civilian clothes anyway. They are stealing property that rightfully belongs to Saddam and he is getting very angry. Besides, the television clips will definitely hurt tourism.
3. There can be no more talk of regime change. France and Canada still oppose it and so do I.
4. Iraqi television must be put back on the air. We insist that Peter Arnett play a major role, but when it comes to Geraldo Rivera, I draw a line in the sand. I have my standards.
5. The Iraqi people will never agree to a democracy. That American-orchestrated conference of Iraqi dissidents in Ur was a farce. As most of the world knows, you can't force people to have a vote.
That is the beauty of Iraq's system of government. One person, one vote. That person is Saddam.
6. The running dogs of American capitalism must stop beaming their cable news propaganda into Iraq. And I know propaganda when I see it. I must ensure that Iraqis are never exposed to such blatant pro-American networks as CNN. Do not even get me started on Fox.
7. With regard to the surrender ceremony, I have sold the Arab broadcast rights of the signing ceremony to Al-Jazeera. However, if Americans insist on their own news anchor, Saddam will only speak with Dan Rather. Although he can be strange and occasionally emotional, at least Mr. Rather does not interrupt. President Saddam has left me specific instructions not to allow Barbara Walters to pose questions to him. He has no tears left for his country.
8. The surrender ceremony should take place at the presidential palace in Tikrit. Once they surrender, the infidel forces should turn themselves in to the Iraqi civilians in the audience -- who will grant them safe escort from Iraq. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you before?
9. Senior Iraqi officials will never agree to exile. But if such an absurdity is one day realized, then it must be in the country of our choice.
At one point we were leaning toward France but now with Jacques Chirac begging George Bush to be friends again, we are not so sure. Besides, French waiters have a reputation for rudeness. I personally will never go. I would rather lie down by the rivers of Babylon with the flea-bitten . . ."
At this point, the release ends.
Mr. Saeed al-Sahhaf has disappeared. Rumours are that he may have fled to Hong Kong to take up his new post as China's director of medical information.
Absurd like your tagline? What beautiful woman were you entertaining in 1972? Your fourth grade teacher? LOL!
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