***AN UNANSWERED ISLAMIC PRAYER*** (Humor/Pity Alert)

For what it's worth.

Humor alert. Barf alert. General discussion. Historic archives.

Whatever.

Shows what happens when you pray to a myth.

And al-Jizz TV, which promomtes the 'myth' 24/7 in the Arabic world (despite what their slick, English speaking reporters tell a naive Larry King), got one up the tailpipe yesterday for precisely pandering for continued anti-American islamofascist pan-Arab violence.

'Sic semper tyrannis', though.

Those children of Satan terrorists and friends will ALWAYS get theirs when they tangle with the USA and the forces of GOOD.

Seems this fit well here..
Its called an EMAIL TO ALLAH LOL

An e-mail to Allah

By Abul Kasem

E Mail : abul88@hotmail.com

Dear Allah; Assalamu Alaikum; We really do not know how to address you properly. So, we use the same salutation that you taught your most favourite messenger, Muhammad (pbuh). It is also quite difficult for us to know about your whereabouts since you communicated with your Umma via your Minister of Information, Jibril via Muhammad (pbuh) 1400 years ago. Since then, we had never heard from you. This is very sad to us Allah. During these long 1400 years so many things have changed on earth. We are absolutely certain that you are quite aware of these changes.

We are sending this e-mail to you hoping that this will find you somewhere in the cyberspace as this space is so huge. Allah, please forgive our Beadabi. We tried to communicate with you through, Zainamaj, Tasbih, Kurbani, Fasting, Zakat, Hajj, Dan Khairat------everything that you told us to do. But alas! All our attempts have been futile. Perhaps you are very busy. Perhaps you have other matters to attend. We waited patiently for thousands of years to receive your 'nek' and 'niamat'. But so far we have not received any. That is why, in desperation we are writing this urgent e-mail to you. Dear Allah, do you have a fax machine? We are sure you have one. Even the lowly creatures of yours can invent a fax machine. So, we are certain that you have a fax and a telephone service too. On your reply please give us your fax and telephone numbers so that we can contact you promptly whenever emergency arises.

Allah, we were not happy where we were born and raised. It was because we had to face grinding poverty, lawlessness, ill health, disease and no future for ourselves as well as for our children. We thought you are testing our Iman through those sufferings. Then we found a way to migrate to the infidel's countries. Allah, we are sure you will forgive us if you know our real intentions of doing this. We wanted to convert all these infidels in to followers of Islam and at the same time we and our children are assured of a better life, at least materially. We also wanted to build a mosque in every suburb of these infidel lands. This is our greatest ambition. Allah, don't you think that it was a clever idea? We could kill many birds in one stone! To our surprise we found strange things in these infidels land. We found that the women here do not wear Hijab. At first we were ashamed to look at these Hijabless damsels. We strictly followed your injunction like this::

[an-Nur 24:30] Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And God is well acquainted with all that they do.

We thought that these women are no better than prostitutes and that they were inviting rape. But we are surprised that a Hijabless woman is rarely raped or molested in the infidel's land! Allah, how is that possible? All our women wear Hijab still then they do not feel safe. Why is it so Allah?

Ya Allah, throughout our lives we have eaten Halal foods. We have never consumed any food forbidden by you. Even in the infidels land we drive hundreds of miles just to buy Halal foods though they may be unhygienic. But we shall rather eat unhygienic Halal food than consume infidel's foods. Allah, for this reason we very rarely visit Macdolad's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Hungry Jacks, Burger Kings ….……. and in other infidel fast food joints. We are very proud not to eat in these outlets even though they are impeccably, clean, hygienic and pleasant. We are very proud to uphold your decrees. Allah do you know why? It is because you said that the infidels are unclean. See for yourself, Allah!

[at-Taubah 9:28] O ye who believe! Truly the Pagans are unclean; so let them not, after this year of theirs, approach the Sacred Mosque. And if ye fear poverty, soon will God enrich you, if He wills, out of His bounty, for God is All-knowing, All-wise.

Allah, we have absolute faith in your words. When infidels invite us in their homes for a party we pretend to be broad minded; but when we go to these parties we carefully search foods for the telltale sign of Haramness in them. Most of the time we only drink fruit juices and eat none of the foods. We tell our hosts that we are not hungry or that we are sick.. Allah, don’t you think that it is a great sacrifice on our part just to honour your divine decrees? If by mistake we did the terrible act of consuming Haram food, please forgive us for this sin. After all, such accidental errors are forgiving to you; isn't it. See Allah what you wrote in your Quran !

[al-Baqarah 2:173] He hath only forbidden you dead meat, and blood, and the flesh of swine, and that on which any other name hath been invoked besides that of God. But if one is forced by necessity, without wilful disobedience, nor transgressing due limits,- then is he guiltless. For God is Oft-forgiving Most Merciful.

But Allah, the thing that really puzzles us is that why are these Haramkhors (Haram eaters) seem to enjoy excellent health; whereas many of us even after eating the Halal foods throughout our lives seem not to have that great health. After all, we thought that the best way for health, vitality and longevity is through the Halal way. How come the infidels are better off with the Haram way?

Dear Allah, you told us that as followers of the best religion, we are the best people on earth. For confirmation we just need to look at your following words:

[Al-Imran 3:110] Ye are the best of peoples, evolved for mankind, enjoining what is right, forbidding what is wrong, and believing in God. If only the People of the Book had faith, it were best for them: among them are some who have faith, but most of them are perverted transgressors.

[Al-Imran 3:85] If anyone desires a religion other than Islam (submission to God), never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter He will be in the ranks of those who have lost (All spiritual good).

Allah, to us it meant that we are the best in every respect. But to our surprise we find that almost all the achievements of today are by the infidels and the kafirs. After you stopped talking to us through your messenger, so many things have changed that we do not have the space to write details in this short e-mail. Allah, why is it that we do not have a radio connection with you whereas these infidels have connected the entire globe electronically. How is it that these infidels are about to set foot on another planet created by you whereas we, the true followers of yours could not even trace your residing place? Allah, why is it that you did not give enough capability to your true followers to achieve these incredible achievements of the infidels? Another matter that is very perplexing to us is the field of medicine.

All the modern life saving drugs and medical inventions like penicillin, anti-biotic, x-ray, chemotherapy, CT-scan, ultrasound, mammography …… etc have been invented by the infidels. We hate to say this. But Allah, we have no choice. Our life totally depends on these infidels. Why is it so Allah? Allah, please give us at least the ability to save our own lives ourselves when we fall sick. Allah, it really seems that you are gradually abandoning us. Allah please tell us what has gone wrong with us.

To our knowledge we have never committed any Gunah at all. In fact, our other compatriots in your Islamic paradises are implementing pure and absolute Islam by following your prescriptions to the letter. Still then you are not happy with them You have given them all sorts of immeasurable sufferings and a series of natural disasters. We thought that you reserve the natural disasters like earthquakes, floods, famines, draughts etc. for the infidels and kafirs. Allah, is it fair that you make your believers suffer so much and let the infidels/kafirs go Scot free?

Dear Allah, our members have become very frustrated. Every day we are facing the attacks from the secularists/freethinkers. We thought that Internet (your gift to mankind) will be on our side. We spent huge sums of money to develop countless sites dedicated to you. We thought that Internet shall be our weapon through which we shall convert every one on this planet to Islam. We thought that we shall decimate all secularists/freethinkers through our brilliant essays/discussions/fatwas/promises of eternal life/heaven and what not. We recycled most of these writings in almost all our sites. Our members are too busy following your prescribed rituals like five times prayers a day, fasting, Hajj, implementing Quran at home and outside.

That is why they do not have enough time to produce new and original articles. Allah, what is wrong in recycling and repeating the same essays again and again and again in all our sites? After all, your writings are mostly repetitive too. Many times the secularists/freethinkers had the audacity to question the many repetition of verses in your Holy book. We silence them by saying that Allah repeats for greater understanding and explanation. Allah, we are just following that which you have done. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Cut and paste. Cut and paste. Cut and paste. We have no shortage of funds to create new web sites.

Money is pouring in from the Islamic paradises. We will do more and more cut and paste until all Islamic brother sites look alike just like the verses in your Quran. The only thing that is lacking in us is that we do not have the brainpower to silence the secularists and freethinkers. That is why we need to do a lot of homework. We spend nights and days doing our homework. In fact, we have so much of homework to do that the handful of brains that we have are always busy at home and rarely do outside work. See how smart and clever are we! The secularists and the freethinkers never do their homework. That is why we always chide them and lecture on them on how to compose essays.

We feel very proud in our faith when we do this. But then, this Internet battle is also looks like going to be won by the secularists/freethinkers/infidels. The Internet has really backfired on us, Allah. Every other day we find that secularists/freethinkers bring in new converts and original writings which your fellow followers find very difficult to confront. It is a very shameful thing for us when we find that many of these convert secularists were actually diehard followers of yours at a certain point in their lives. If you want to know more about them we can send their e-mail addresses and the blasphemous articles that they dared to propagate. Allah, is it possible that you made them to change their heart about you? We base it from your countless verses dealing with pre-ordination. In case you have forgotten, we are quoting a few here:

[Yunus 10:100] No soul can believe, except by the will of God, and He will place doubt (or obscurity) on those who will not understand.

[al-Fatir 35:8] Is he, then, to whom the evil of his conduct is made alluring, so that he looks upon it as good, (equal to one who is rightly guided)? For God leaves to stray whom He wills, and guides whom He wills. So let not thy soul go out in (vainly) sighing after them: for God knows well all that they do!

[al-An`am 6:125] Those whom God (in His plan) willeth to guide,- He openeth their breast to Islam; those whom He willeth to leave straying,- He maketh their breast close and constricted, as if they had to climb up to the skies: thus doth God (heap) the penalty on those who refuse to believe.

Dear Allah, would you please confirm this fear of ours in your return e-mail. Gostaki maaf. If this be confirmed by you then we better not waste our time on these secularist/infidel writers. This is your wish. So, be it.

Dear Allah it really frustrates us when we find that the Internet battle is slowly but surely being won by the infidels/freethinkers. To make situation worse, many of these kafirs writers use pseudo names and hide their real identities and physical whereabouts. Allah, please do not misunderstand us. We did try our utmost to unveil these hidden enemies of Islam. We have declared them apostates and we have waged Jihad against them. We have never forgotten your decrees on these apostates. As a test of proficiency of your Holy Scripture we quote from your Holy Quran:

[an-Nisa' 4:137] Those who believe, then reject faith, then believe (again) and (again) reject faith, and go on increasing in unbelief,- God will not forgive them nor guide them nor guide them on the way.

[an-Nahl 16:106] Any one who, after accepting faith in God, utters Unbelief,- except under compulsion, his heart remaining firm in Faith - but such as open their breast to Unbelief, on them is Wrath from God, and theirs will be a dreadful Penalty.

[ash-Shura 42:16] But those who dispute concerning God after He has been accepted,- futile is their dispute in the Sight of their Lord: on them will be a Penalty terrible.

Allah, we have sent plenty of hate/warning/threat mails to these kafirs/apostates. Some of our warning mails even contained threats of beheading them as per your instruction and as per your dearest messenger's practices. But these apostates do not care. They have become more dangerous than Salman Rushdie and Taslima Nasreen. Allah, please help us to find these apostates. You have declared that you are all knower.

Allah, we are sure that you have not forgotten similar decrees of yours which adore virtually every page of the Holy Quran. Allah, do you have a tape recorder? Please playback your messages of 1400 years ago. Dear Allah, we know in the following verses that you asked us not to raise questions about faith.

[al-Ma'idah 5:101] O ye who believe! Ask not questions about things which, if made plain to you, may cause you trouble. But if ye ask about things when the Qur'an is being revealed, they will be made plain to you, God will forgive those: for God is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing.

[al-Ma'idah 5:102] Some people before you did ask such questions, and on that account lost their faith.

Allah, how funny is it that if we ask any questions about Islam then we may end up becoming an unbeliever! Now we understand why you have imposed terrible punishments for those who ask questions like the secularists/freethinkers.

Allah, we are really very curious to know if you had recorded your messages in a tape recorder or CD or DVD so that there would have been no confusion about your authentic messages? Please Allah forgive us for inquiring such thing.

Ya Allah, we need your intervention very urgently. Please tell us the physical whereabouts of these new Salman Rushdies and Taslima Nasreens. They are multiplying every day. After we receive your e-mail, we shall forward this information to your favourite annihilators, the Talibans and other Islamic Jihadis group who will take care of them. We have tried our best to defeat these foes of Islam intellectually, but we could not. Now we have no choice but to eliminate them physically. After all, that is how you had always won, isn't it? Allah, remember the genocide in Bangladesh, Iran, Afghanistan, Sudan? Allah, isn't this the only language in your scripture to deal with the infidels/secularists/freethinkers? Look Allah, what you wrote in your Pak Kalam

[al-Baqarah 2:193] And fight them on until there is no more Tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in God; but if they cease, Let there be no hostility except to those who practise oppression.

[al-Ma'idah 5:33] The punishment of those who wage war against God and His Apostle, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the Hereafter;

[Muhammad 47:4] Therefore, when ye meet the Unbelievers (in fight), smite at their necks; At length, when ye have thoroughly subdued them, bind a bond firmly (on them): thereafter (is the time for) either generosity or ransom: Until the war lays down its burdens. Thus (are ye commanded): but if it had been God's Will, He could certainly have exacted retribution from them (Himself); but (He lets you fight) in order to test you, some with others. But those who are slain in the Way of God,- He will never let their deeds be lost.

Dear Allah, as we said before, we have many things to write to you. If only you could read our language and respond!

With the greatest devotion. Your Slave.

Hal-Lum-Wena

P.S. For safety reasons from the kafirs we also used a cryptic name just like you put many cryptic messages in your Holy Book (like Alif-Lam-Mim, Alif-Lam-Mim-Sad, Ta-Ha, Ta-Sin-Mim, Ha-Mim just to name a few). Allah, we are sure you will be able to decipher it.

oh allah... the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and his Son Jesus Christ just blew your
followers away...

Freeper's Guide to Islamic Cyberterror

Twenty-Year Plan for USA: Islam Targets America

The True Furqan can be located on HERE or HERE

They might as well pray:

"Oh God, curse upon the face of the Americans. Oh Allah, curse upon the face of the British...

O Allah curse upon the American and British faces, because we hate them. We don't merely want to be protected from them, we want you to disfigure them because we hate our neighbors so much.

Oh Allah, sink their ships, and down their planes. Oh Allah, drown Bush and Blair as you drowned Pharaoh, and rescue us as you rescued Moses. Oh Allah, burn Bush and Blair with fire. Oh Allah, rescue us as you rescued your prophet Abraham from the fire.

Oh Allah, We hate them so much we can list endless ways we want you to destroy them. Drowning, burning, etc.

"Oh Allah, strike the oppressors with each other, and let us come out of it safely, as you took the Prophet Muhammad out from among the polytheists."

Oh Allah, strike the oppressors. We call them the oppressors because they are richer and more powerful than us. They must be oppressors.

You have blessed their lands with fertility and cursed ours with desert. They must be oppressors.

They have troops in Saudi Arabia, that they are there at the invitation of Saudi royalty is no excuse. They are oppressors.

They support Israel whom we also hate and wish to kill. They prevent us from killing the Jews, their women and their children. They sell them weapons systems to use in their defense. They are occupying a small strip of land in the middle east which used to be theirs, but we claimed it when it looked abandoned. We will not give it back. They are oppressors.

"Oh Allah, drown them in the sea of humiliation and dishonor."

Don't just disfigure them and kill them. Humiliate and dishonor them. By their demise, we will be raised up. We hate them.

Oh yeah, that prayer ought to get an answer.

And the American prayer.

Dear God, we give thanks for these fine weapons and training. Please let Satan know that his children are coming back home.

Their prayers, like their mortar shells, tend to land on their own citizens rather than their enemy.

"Oh Allah, drown Bush and Blair as you drowned Pharaoh, and rescue us as you rescued Moses."

Gee, I think ole Sheik Fulla Boolsheet here is a little confused. Moses? Aren't you a descendent of Pharaoh? Thats what the Egyptians claim.

Sheik, suggest you read 1st Samuel 17:26

The ongoing hopelessness of praying to false gods.

Oh Allah, drown Bush and Blair as you drowned Pharaoh, and rescue us as you rescued Moses. Oh Allah, burn Bush and Blair with fire. Oh Allah, rescue us as you rescued your prophet Abraham from the fire. Oh Allah, drown them in the sea of humiliation and dishonor."

Interesting how they, who hate and persecute Jews, invoke God's protection of the Jews upon themselves. One wonders exactly how far that might get them, in light of the eternal covenant with the Jews.

He calls that a curse? Heck, Christians are, or at least, were, much better at it:

From The Anatomy of Swearing by Ashley Montagu, paperback, pp. 62-3, an excommunication curse by Bishop Ernulphus, or Arnulf (1040 – 1124), a French Benedictine appointed prior of Canterbury Cathedral by Anselm, subsequently became Abbott of Peterborough Cathedral and then Bishop of Rochester. The two asterisked eliminatory gerunds are typed out properly in the original, but I censored these as is the wont around here.

By the Authority of God Almighty the Father, the Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy Canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, the Mother and the Patroness of our Saviour, and of all the Celestial Virtues, Angels, Arch-Angels, Thrones, Dominions, Powers, Cherubins and Seraphins [sic] and of the holy Patriarch, Prophets, and all the Apostles and Evangelists, and of the holy Innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb are found worthy to sing the new Song, and of the holy Martyrs and holy Confessors, and of the holy Virgins, and of all the Saints, and together with all the Holy and Elect of God: We excommunicate and anathematise him or them, Malefactor or Malefactors,--and from the Thresholds of the holy Church of God Almighty We sequester them, that he or they may be tormented, disposed and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram; and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we know not thy Ways. And, as Fire is quenched with Water, so let the Light of him, or them, be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him or them, and they make Satisfaction. Amen.

May the Father, who created Man, curse him or them. May the Son, who suffered for us, curse him or them. May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in Baptism, curse him or them. May the holy Cross, which Christ for our Salvation triumphing over his Enemy ascended, curse him or them. May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, Mother of God, curse him or them. May St. Michael, the Advocate of holy Souls, curse him or them. May all the Angels and Arch-Angels, Principalities and Powers, and all the heavenly Host, curse him or them. May the laudable Number of the Patriarchs and Prophets curse him or them. May St. John, the chief Fore-runner and Baptist of Christ, curse him or them. May St. Peter and St. Paul and St. Andrew, and all other Christ’s Apostles, together with the rest of his Disciples, and the four Evangelists, who by their Preaching converted the universal World, curse him or them. May the holy and wonderful Company of Martyrs and Confessors, who by their holy Works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him or them. May the holy Choir of the holy Virgins, who for the Honour of Christ have despised the Things of the World, curse him or them. May all the Saints, who from the Beginning of the World to everlasting Ages are found to be the Beloved of God, curse him or them. May the Heavens and Earth, and all the holy Things remaining therein, curse him or them. May he or they be cursed, wherever he or they be, whether in their House or in their Field, or in the Highway, or in the Path, or in the Wood, or in the Water, or in the Church. May he or they be cursed in Living, in Dying, in Eating, in Drinking, in being Hungry, in being Thirsty, in Fasting, in Sleeping, in Slumbering, in Waking, in Walking, in Standing, in Sitting, in Lying, in Working, in Resting, in P***ing, in S****ing, and in Blood-letting. May he or they be cursed in all the Faculties of their Body. May he or they be cursed inwardly and outwardly. May he or they be cursed in the Hair of his or their Head. May he or they be cursed in his or their Brain. May he or they be cursed in the Top of his or their Head, in their Temples, in their Forehead, in their Ears, on their Eye-brows, in their Cheeks, in their Jaw-bones, in their Nostrils, in their Fore-teeth or Grinders, in their Lips, in their Throat, in their Shoulders, in their Wrists, in their Arms, in their Hands, in their Fingers, in their Breast, in their Heart, and in all the interior parts to the very Stomach: In their Reins, in the Groin, in the Thighs, in the Genitals, in the Hips, in the Knees, in the Legs, in the Feet, in the Joints, and in the Nails. May he or they be cursed in all their Joints, from the Top of the Head to the Sole of the Foot. May there not be any Soundness in him or them.

May the Son of the living God, with all the Glory of his Majesty, curse him or them; and may Heaven, with all the Powers which move therein, rise against him or them to damn him or them, unless it shall repent him or them, or that he or they shall make Satisfaction. Amen, Amen, so be it.

your gonna' owe me for reading glasses costs!

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
Wack a raghead for me, will ya?

Now thats a prayer I can get behind.

"You'll Never Make a Monkey Out of Me"

Troy: [singing]
I hate every ape I see
From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
No you'll never make a monkey out of me

Oh my God, I was wrong
It was Earth all along
You've finally made a monkey

Apes: Yes we've finally made a monkey

Troy: Yes you've finally made a monkey out of me
Apes: Yes we've finally made a monkey out of you

Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!

"Hey Sheikh Abd al-Razzak Al-Sa'adi!"

"I got ya sea of humiliation and dishonor hanging right here!"

Want a break from war news? Go to the Stark Trek Freeper Post or the New Stark Trek Website for a laugh or two. Then come back refreshed and loaded for bear!

Oh Allah, rescue us as you rescued your prophet Abraham from the fire.

The good God has heard and answered their prayer.