Posted on 03/17/2003 11:16:36 AM PST by PJ-Comix
Dear Friend,
I am Arthur Azuka, son of the recently deposed President and Commander-In-Chief of Nigeria who along with the rest of my family was brutally slaughtered by rebels who overthrew my father's benevolent regime. Recently I had the high honor to meet the great American actor, Bruce Willis, who starred in the movie, "Tears of the Sun," about the aftermath of the bloody overthrow of my beloved father.
Mr. Willis, acting in the role of Navy SEAL Lieutenant A.K. Walters, helped escort me to safety in Cameroon. In gratitude for his aid in my escape, I told Mr. Willis about my $65 million fortune frozen in my Nigerian bank account by the current evil regime and how he could earn a 25% commission if I could transfer those funds to his personal bank account.
If you have been reading about the plight of Nigerian e-mail scam victims, you have probably already guessed the fate of Mr. Willis' bank account funds. They have all been cleaned out and now reside in my personal bank account in Cameroon.
This is why I have taken the opportunity to send you this e-mail. Although I now have over $22 million of Mr. Willis' money in my bank account in Cameroon, it has been frozen by the corrupt officials of that government. Therefore, in order to remove the money I scammed from Mr. Willis, I will need to deposit these funds into your personal bank account. In return for this service I am prepared to pay you a commission of 25%.
In order to facilitate the telegraphic transfer of these funds, please fax me your bank name and account number at the earliest opportunity.
Thank You and may God Bless,
Arthur Azuka
That in a nutshell is one big reason why Tears of the Sun is complete FLOP. How many of you really give a damn about the plight of Nigerians? Probably not many since if you've been on the Internet any length of time, you are likely to have received multiple versions of the above e-mail scam. Yeah, like you're going to sympathize with folks primarily known for trying to clean out bank accounts of people around the world via e-mail scams…I think NOT!
Tears of the Sun from start to finish is flat out gross and depressing. Oh, but what about Monica Bellucci who is starring in this flick? Wasn't it great to see her hot bod and perfect lips? Only if you enjoy seeing Monica's (Bellucci's not Lewinsky's) beestung lips covered with dirt, mud, blood, and large doses of snot. Believe it or not, Tears of the Sun is so absolutely GROSS that I guarantee that you won't get a single Schwing Alert from seeing Monica Bellucci in this movie.
But aren't there any sex scenes in Tears of the Sun? Yeah, but they don't include Monica Bellucci (as Dr. Lena Hendricks). Instead you will be "treated" to the sight of a 13 year-old Nigerian soldier raping a woman whose breasts he has chopped off. If you are getting the feeling that Tears of the Sun isn't exactly a Chick Flick, you are entirely correct. As a matter of fact, if you are trying to just put the make on some gal, Tears of the Sun is exactly the WRONG movie to take her to see. It's a little hard to get a woman into a romantic mood after she has just seen some kid boffing a woman he hacked with a machete.
Speaking of hacking with a machete, there was an awful lot of that in Tears of the Sun. A priest and the nuns who provided medical care to a Nigerian village were brutally hacked to pieces by Nigerian soldiers. Just as they are about to be chopped up, suddenly they start to act terrified. This was in stark contrast to just a few hours earlier when the Navy SEALS gave them the opportunity to be airlifted out of that hellhole. Back then, they bravely stated they would remain in the village to care for the inhabitants. Big mistake. Not only did they get chopped up but all the villagers were similarly slaughtered as well. So let me give all you priests and nuns (and everybody else) in Africa a little piece of advice. When Navy SEALS drop into your village to airvac you out, don't pull the hero routine since it ain't going to keep the villagers from being slaughtered in the long run.
Oh, Monica Bellucci's beautiful lips couldn't be left to the fate of machete-wielding Nigerians so Bruce Willis bluffs her into leaving via helicopter by pretending he would take the able-bodied villagers to safety as well. It's all a scam but not as bad as that Nigerian e-mail scam. Willis (Lt. Waters) has no intention of taking the villagers away in the copters since there is no room for them. However, once he gets Monica and her lips aboard a chopper she causes a big stink about being hoodwinked. Instead of following orders and taking Monica back to the aircraft carrier, Waters acts hypnotized by her lips and orders the helicopter back into the jungle. If Waters thought this was some clever ploy to get into Monica's pants, he was sadly mistaken. Not only does he not get anything from her but he also gets his ass shot up and most of his fellow SEALS are either killed or horribly wounded. Not exactly a smart tradeoff.
In addition to having to sludge their way through a hot steamy jungle towards Cameroon, the SEALS and their refugees are being trailed by the Nigerian army. Never in the history of filmdom has an army shown more endurance than the Nigerian army. They are so relentless in their pursuit of the SEALS that they run at full throttle after them in the jungle ALL NIGHT. Try running at top speed for just a couple of minutes. It's not easy to do. Then try running at top speed all night through an almost impenetrable jungle and you are talking about superhuman endurance. And remember, this incredible feat was performed not by just one physically fit soldier but by an entire army. Even more incredibly, this army carried no supplies other than weapons and the next morning, after a night of running full speed trough a steamy jungle, all their perfect parade ground uniforms remained completely spotless without a single sweat stain on them. The sight of an entire army running at full throttle all night with immaculate uniforms would be laughable were it not for the fact that Tears of the Sun was so depressing that it was impossible to conjure up even a slight chuckle at this absurdity.
Another absurdity in this movie was Bruce Willis playing the part of a Lieutenant in the SEALS. Let's see, Willis is pushing 50 and yet he is STILL a lieutenant? There are naval officers at that age who are admirals already. Plus what is such an old guy doing on a SEAL team? Of course, the idea of Willis as a SEAL makes a lot more sense than his ex-wife, Dumi Moore, as a SEAL in G.I. Jane. Even the name of that movie is an embarrassment since "G.I." only applies to the army.
There is a silly subplot in this movie but it is a spoiler if I reveal it. However, Tears of the Sun sucks so badly that I would be performing a public service by ruining your chances of seeing this movie so here goes: One of the refugees accompanying the SEALS to Cameroon is the son of the recently slain president of Nigeria. He is Arthur Azuka, author of the scam e-mail at the beginning of this review. And the reason the Nigerian army was running at top speed through the jungle all night without breaking a sweat is so they can catch up to Azuka and hack him to pieces.
The Nigerian army never catches up to Azuka since he makes it to Cameroon at the cost of the lives of a bunch of SEALS and the wounding of most of the rest. However, along the way we are treated to the sight of the Nigerian army hacking lots of other folks to pieces.
So the SEAL team is wiped out by being killed or severely wounded. Was it worth the sacrifice? If you believe the movie it was since one of the Nigerian women says "Thank you!" and Arthur Azuka smiled at the end…most likely because be was thinking of scam e-mails he was planning to send out.
Atrocities were committed on villagers in Tears of the Sun but the worst atrocity was committed on the viewers. Therefore I am recommending you avoid this movie like the plague. If you really have a big desire to see Monica Bellucci, then check out her numerous nekkid pics on the Web. In Tears of the Sun you'll only see her covered with filth and slime.
On my Chad Rating Scale of one to ten chads, with ten chads being best, I give Tears of the Sun only one measly chad. And the only reason I'm giving it even that one chad is because Tears of the Sun took the gutsy Politically Incorrect step of showing only blacks slaughtering blacks while all the white folks were the good guys. If I were still running for office I would be forced to denounce this movie as racist. However, I still don't recommend seeing Tears of the Sun unless you are some sadistic sicko like Jeffrey Dahmer who gets a kick out of seeing blood and guts flying in all directions.
This is the NEW Al Gore keepin' it real with this important message:
Dear Friend,
My name is Al Gore. A little over two years ago I was elected President of the United States of America. Unfortunately I was soon deposed by a corrupt Supreme Court.
While campaigning for President I was able to amass funds totaling $12 million from humble Buddhist monks. However, the evil George W. who stole my presidency from me has frozen my funds. Therefore I am asking for your help in retrieving that campaign money. Please FAX me your bank name and account number at the earliest opportunity so as to facilitate the telegraphic transfer of those Buddhist monk campaign funds to your account. To show my gratitude for your aid in this matter I wish to pay you a 25% commission.
Thank you and may God Bless,
Al Gore
Saw it last night and am still trying to make out what it was mostly about. I guess there were many interesting truisms about the African situation that today's deliberately under-educated American youth would benefit from seeing.
Of course, the classroom commissars would have a coronary over some of it.
Good stuff!
MM
Speaking of hacking with a machete, there was an awful lot of that in Tears of the Sun. A priest and the nuns who provided medical care to a Nigerian village were brutally hacked to pieces by Nigerian soldiers. Just as they are about to be chopped up, suddenly they start to act terrified. This was in stark contrast to just a few hours earlier when the Navy SEALS gave them the opportunity to be airlifted out of that hellhole. Back then, they bravely stated they would remain in the village to care for the inhabitants. Big mistake. Not only did they get chopped up but all the villagers were similarly slaughtered as well. So let me give all you priests and nuns (and everybody else) in Africa a little piece of advice. When Navy SEALS drop into your village to airvac you out, don't pull the hero routine since it ain't going to keep the villagers from being slaughtered in the long run.
Of course! Everyone knows that in reality, it was Colonel Erulin and his fellow *surrender monkeys* of the French Foreign Legion's 2eme Regiment Parachutiste went into the former Congolese mining town of Kolwezi during Operation Leopard/Bonito in 1978, while the American Ranger unit sat with their packs at Georgia's Hunter Airfield waiting for President Carter to give the orders that never came.
Fortunately for the 2000+ hostages, including several American citizens, the French Foreign Legion got the job done, at a cost of the deaths of five of their own, including one British-born Legionaire. And at least one of those American Rangers who through no fault of their own sat the fight out found an appropriate way to offer his own appreciation of the abilities of the Legion Paras: he resigned his commission as an American officer and joined the Foreign legion as an enlisted man in 1984. Seven years later, when US troops who'd made contact tried their high school French on a senior NCO of a Foreign Legion armored Cavelty unit they were stationed near, they were met with a reply of *Wow, you guys speak really lousy French. How about we try English, instead.*
--Lt Halbert on the road from Kolwezi to Lumbubashi S.E.R (Recon Platoon) of C.E.A -Support Coy -
The second week (with camo uniforms!) in the bush near Gekamine
No. The review was by Al Gore. I only do his typing.
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