Making children more confident in approaching adults, has actually made them less so

Jewish World Review ^ | March 6, 2003 | Betsy Hart

[SJackson]

Supposedly there used to be a saying, "children should only speak to adults when spoken to." But actually, according to sociologist Kay Hymowitz, that's something of an overstatement, at least in the United States.

Author of "Ready or Not: Why Treating Children as Small Adults Endangers Their Future - and Ours," Hymowitz explains that children have always been more independent here than in other countries. Even a century and a half ago visitors to the United States were regularly "appalled" at how American children, full of curiosity and vitality, so easily approached adults from overseas, peppering them with questions and conversation.

But, whatever the past tradition, these days it seems children don't speak to adults even when they are spoken to by them. If anything, it's the adults who are seen and not heard. I'm used to children who don't bother to say hello, look into my eyes, or respond to me when spoken to in any fashion polite or otherwise. I'm amazed at how even a neighborhood child playing in my home might ignore me, suggesting I possess no authority whatsoever. (Such a child changes his ways, at least while he's here, or he's not invited back.)

Purchasing this book -- linked in 2nd paragraph -- helps fund JWR

A shrug of the shoulders and a mumbled "I don't know" passes for polite conversation from little ones.

Too bad. America's efforts in recent decades to make things "more egalitarian" between adults and children, perhaps in the hopes of making children more confident in approaching adults, has actually made them less so.

I recently noticed a child in my own first grader's class who was unusual. When I visited for lunch one day, he not only chatted and responded to me respectfully, but confidently drew me out and engaged me. That kind of confidence and those manners are learned. In fact one of the wonderful things about manners, says Hymowitz, is it gives a child something to "fall back on" in approaching others. Anyway, observing such manners in this young child made me redouble my efforts in my own home.

It's not just that kids need to learn "yes, please" "no thank you" and to look into the eyes of the person they are speaking to. It's not enough for a child to respect the particular authority held by the adults in his life, nor is it just forms for the sake of them. Though those are all good starts, engaging with others and showing interest in them, and with proper manners and respect, shows that one cares about the persons he's addressing.

And being able to do so with adults in particular can give a child a confidence he'll have for a lifetime.

So, back to the Hart household. My husband and I felt that our children weren't growing in that confidence - shall we say - as much as we would like.

What to do when you're swimming upstream? Have a good swim. In this case, role playing.

[cantfindagoodscreenname]

Each has always been that way. I am sure to my satisfaction that it is a result of their respective personalities, which they were born with, not their training.

I agree 100%! I have four children who all have different personalities. I've heard people make the claim that homeschooling makes children more outgoing and comfortable talking to adults. Well, I homeschool mine and some of them are friendly and comfortable with adults and some aren't. It's personality!! Now, they are all respectful, just not always chatty :-).

[Erasmus]

My DH and I recently visited [...]

Uh oh... I was thinking baseball when I first read that; not domestic bliss!

<]B^)

[scripter]

being respectful and being chatty are not the same thing... i have one son (6yrs.) who is timid and shy, but he is respectful... he has been taught to look people in the eye, acknowledge those who are speaking with him... he easily orders his own food in restaurants and will ask a salesperson for assistance when he needs it, even though he was not comfortable doing this at first... but he is not one to begin conversations... now my 2 yr. old is not so shy... he will stick out his hand and say, "how do you do?" and answer, "fine--thank you," when asked the same--and not feel uncomfortable at all... i have known some disrespectful chatty kids who want all the attention for themselves... i don't think the writer meant that chattiness was politeness... one can be shy, but that does not make it fine for them to not acknowledge an adult who is addressing them, especially in that adult's own home...

[HairOfTheDog]

Look what kids are told now about strangers. We are freaking them out with warnings of molestation and abduction one day, and then asking them to be confident and conversational with strangers the next?

When I was a kid, I was vaguely aware of bad people I wasn't supposed to talk to.... But it was not drilled into me like it is today. Too bad really that it is so.

[latina4dubya]

reposting the following because my first post came under my husband's account... and i added something at the end that i had forgotten the first time...

being respectful and being chatty are not the same thing... i have one son (6yrs.) who is timid and shy, but he is respectful... he has been taught to look people in the eye, acknowledge those who are speaking with him... he easily orders his own food in restaurants and will ask a salesperson for assistance when he needs it, even though he was not comfortable doing this at first... but he is not one to begin conversations... now my 2 yr. old is not so shy... he will stick out his hand and say, "how do you do?" and answer, "fine--thank you," when asked the same--and not feel uncomfortable at all... i have known some disrespectful chatty kids who want all the attention for themselves... i don't think the writer meant that chattiness was politeness... one can be shy, but that does not make it fine for them to not acknowledge an adult who is addressing them, especially in that adult's own home... and that should have nothing to do with personality, but manners... IMHO, of course...

[cantfindagoodscreenname]

i have known some disrespectful chatty kids who want all the attention for themselves

Yes, I know what you mean, :-).

... i don't think the writer meant that chattiness was politeness

I wasn't really responding to the article, but to the person who wrote the post. And I wasn't disagreeing, either...just sort of thinking out loud. I hope you didn't think I was being antagonistic. I agree with everything you said.

[Marie]

My son is very chatty. I've found that adults either adore him and find him engaging or they think he's rude, talks too much and should be put in his place. I'm learning that I can judge people's character by how they respond to my son very well.