Devil's Dictionary

INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY ^ | Friday, February 7, 2003 | Editor

[Isara]

Spending: Having spent themselves into a hole, politicians are trying to make us feel sorry for them as they devise ways to climb out with anything but real cuts.

Watch your wallet and listen up. The terms used as they work through their problems are right out of Alice in Wonderland. Herewith, a short though incomplete list.

cuts, n. Reductions not in dollars spent but in the rate at which spending is allowed to increase. The University of California budget, up 68% in eight years, is said to face "extraordinarily significant cuts," though it's scheduled for a 4.9% increase.

Draconian, adj. Any reductions in spending beyond "cuts" as defined above. Derived from the Greek dracos, a fire-breathing dragon that preyed on public employees in ancient Athens.

massive, adj. Favorite descriptive for any reduction in taxes. Rarely used to describe increases in spending, and then only in the case of higher defense outlays sought by Republicans.

benefits, n. Money the government doesn't take from you. Planned reductions in federal income-tax rates are said to be a "benefit" to "rich" people who pay taxes. Not to be confused with actual government programs, which are "needed services."

layoff, n. The act of letting workers go, especially when there isn't money to pay them. Now obsolete in government parlance due to the deference that politicians pay to public employee unions.

wrong, adj. Pejorative for those who actually pay taxes - as in the "wrong people" that sen. Tom Daschle contends will benefit from tax-rate cuts included in the president's economic growth plan.

haves, n. See "wrong" above. Includes the 10% of taxpayers with incomes of more than $92,000 whom Daschle considers "rich" enough to shoulder 67% of the federal tax burden.

have-nots, n. Opposite of "haves." Citizens who pay little or no federal income tax but get the same services. Referring to "have-nots" as "do-nots," "can-nots" or "will-nots" is considered impolite.

penny, n. Slang for a percentage-point increase in tax rate. Gov. Gray Davis wants to add a "penny" to California's sales tax by bumping the rate to 8.25% from 7.25%. That's not a penny, or even a percent. It's an increase of 13.8%.

politically unthinkable, adj. Cuts politicians say you'd never accept. A cut in California's prison budget would be "politically unthinkable," since it would put felons back on the street. What's unthinkable, however, is bucking a prison guards union that's given the governors $3.4 million and has gotten pay hikes totalling 37%.

[Isara]

The article is not online. I typed the whole thing in. Please forgive me if there is any mistake.

Do you have anything else to add to this dictionary?

[FreeTally]

That's pretty good.

[Mr. Mojo]

CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions

[tubebender]

I printed this out to pass around, You did good...

[Mr. Mojo]

MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.

[Publius]

Go back to the original by Ambrose Bierce.

ambidextrous: able to steal equally well with either the left or right hand.

[theDentist]

They forgot some:

bigot: anyone who opposes new taxation, Republicans, business leaders, business owners, those who would dare question their reasoning

compassionate: those who throw money at any social problem with the hopes it will go away

fair: increasing any/all tax loads on an already burdened taxpayer

[tubebender]

PING...

[Mr. Mojo]

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

[jigsaw]

Isara, thanks for typing this in.
Great point that adding a lousy penny is in fact an increase of 13.8%.

[Mr. Mojo]

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver.

[Mr. Mojo]

DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. The Devil's dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

[Mr. Mojo]

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

[steplock]

Bump and a Ping!

I just want to keep up with the definitions ;>)

[FreeTally]

compassionate: those who throw money at any social problem with the hopes it will go away

Shouldn't that be "those who throw other people's money at any social problem with the hopes it will go away"?

[Cicero]

I'd offer a slightly different definition:

compassionate: those who take money from the voters who vote against them and give it to the voters who vote for them.

[trebb]

truth, n. Irrelevant information that would only get in the way of liberal progressiveness.

[Forgiven_Sinner]

progressive - a person who defines progress as taking more money from taxpayers to give it to government unions and people who don't pay taxes.

conservative extremist - a person who believes the Constitution means what it says.

moderate - a person who can't make up their mind between two views until they are 1. told which is right by a reliable source, such as major media; 2. paid by someone to decide in that party's favor.

cost of tax cuts - this is the speculative future cost to the government of not taking your future earnings at the current usurious rate. The cost is magnified by multiplying it over ten years, so a $30 billion "cost" becomes a $300 billion cost. This cost is always figured using no increase in the overall revenues of the country, even though every tax cut has increased tax revenues.

[m1911]

Ping

[theDentist]

Both versions are vast improvements over my previous definition.