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Posted on 01/22/2003 6:18:44 AM PST by no other way out
The last few weeks on my radio show, I’ve been covering a topic that is one of my regular themes, which is how women screw up just about every relationship we’re in. I’ve got a list of ways we screw up our relationships, but it really boils down to a couple of biggies.
Women just don’t want to be happy. Don’t believe me? Well, then, you’re simply not paying attention.
First, we weren’t happy because we didn’t have any options.
Then after we got the options, we weren’t happy because we had too many choices from which to choose.
But then the reality surfaced that when we got what we chose, we really didn’t realize that the thing we’d taken a pass on was the one thing we really and truly wanted after all.
Following our choice to choose that which we were sure to make us happy this time, we began complaining that what we’d chosen was too much work, and that “over there” lay the real Nirvana.
Confused?
Well, so it would seem are modern women.
What’s all this mean in translation?
Liberation hasn’t really liberated us at all because we’re still refusing to take responsibility for our own independence to craft the exact life we desire, not to mention be happy with the choice(s) we make.
Hmmm... What to do?
Enter men, that wonderfully easy going, happy go lucky, go with the flow gender, who have stood by and watched as women implode, explode, and erode into a group of confused, hesitant, irresponsible people that won’t take yes for an answer.
It’s bad enough that we make ourselves miserable with our freely chosen choices, but the fact that we spread our misery by hoisting it on to our potential mates, boyfriends and husbands is, well, pathetic.
I’m hard on women, modern Western women, that is, because we are a bunch of spoiled, irresponsible (safe sex is a reality, but we still have 1.5 million abortions!), impossibly demanding feminist throwbacks. (I, unfortunately, must include myself in this group, too.)
Are we liberated or not?
We ask for the option to have a career, then when we have that wish fulfilled we begin bitching and moaning that it isn’t enough, that maybe having a family is more important than we had originally thought.
We ask for the choice to have a degree of autonomy with our physical bodies, including the option to enjoy sexual pleasures and satisfaction, but won’t take responsibility for making the choice to have sex before marriage. We decide to have sex on the first date, then bitch and moan about the fact that we did have sex on the first date, also wondering if holding out would have made the man more interested in us. We refuse to understand that sometimes sex is just sex, and sometimes it’s a harbinger of a wonderful adventure just beginning with someone new. Make your choice, take your chances.
We ask for romance in a relationship, then when the man delivers that which we desire, we don’t reciprocate in any manner to which he can relate, making him wonder why in the hell he bothered to deliver our desires in the first place.
We ask men to commit to a monogamous relationship, then forget that we must deliver upon certain things in order for fidelity to be the foundation in our partnership.
Then there is the obvious.
Women almost always know what will make us happy, but we’re reluctant to tell the man, leaving him out there guessing on what he should deliver. Why won’t we tell him? Because we actually believe that “if he truly loved me he’d know.” Or, if we tell him what we want and it still doesn't make us happy, then where will we be?
Oy.
In the absence of information, a man would rather do nothing than risk the wrath of showing up with the wrong thing or wrong response.
A woman oftentimes prefers that her man surprise her, but the dangers of producing something that doesn’t match their lady’s expectations sends him into paroxysms of panic. If she’d only give him a clue!
Even when we get exactly the man we want, we then make his life miserable by withholding parts of ourselves because we’re unable to admit that the independence that modern feminism offered at its 1970s beginnings comes with gargantuan personal responsibilities to ourselves.
If we choose a career in our twenties, postponing children until later, we can’t come upon our mid-thirties crushed if bearing children is a bit more difficult than we expected. The fact that having children earlier is easier is not exactly a reproductive revelation.
If we choose to have a career and a family and husband, we can’t be shocked or disappointed when we don’t have as much of ourselves to share in moments that arise in life.
When dating, we can’t wonder when or if to have sex, then question why our decision didn’t produce the outcome we desired, which is love.
Women must learn to make decisions based on what they can handle at the time. To do this, however, a woman must know herself and be responsible for who she is at her core.
It's easier to play dumb, then blame the man.
If you cannot emotionally handle having sex with someone outside a committed partnership, then you should wait. But if you enjoy your liberation and trust that you can be safe and responsible, as well as emotionally grounded amidst the uncertainty of a modern courtship, well, then, be happy with what you’ve got, knowing that sex before marriage never precludes commitment.
Feminine independence offers a world of choice, but it comes with the responsibility that each of us has to ourselves to make certain that our life intentions match what we desire to manifest through our choices.
It’s unfortunate, but women are the ones mostly responsible for the failure of modern partnerships.
We can’t blame the men in our lives if something is missing, a little more difficult than we expected, or if we’re not as satisfied with our life as we would like.
But it’s not just when we’re in relationship that women throw life fits, wondering why things are going so wrong.
Women have to invest in their own individual evolution so we can comfortably take responsibility and be satisfied with the choices we make. That doesn’t mean we will always be happy with the outcome, but if we’re not we have no one to blame but ourselves.
It’s not the man’s fault that you won’t speak up and tell him what you want that will make you happy.
It’s not the man’s fault that you’re sexually frustrated or aren’t getting exactly what you want. If you want something for your birthday, speak up. If your anniversary is approaching, remind him. If something is important to you, make sure your man is aware. And if something is missing in your life, don't blame its absence on your spouse.
It’s not the man’s fault that your choice of career and your ambition puts off children until later in life. Or that a career and children are too hard, but you won’t ask for help.
Men aren’t mind readers and they can’t be blamed for giving you what you said you wanted. Like when you ask them to tell you the truth about something.
Why is it that many modern women ask men to tell them the truth, but when they do just that women often punish them for being honest, which is what you asked for in the first place?
Sure, you get your reaction, which he has to suffer through, but in the end you must appreciate that your man has leveled with you on a deep level.
It’s ironic that liberation, independence and feminism have actually made women slaves because of their continual vacillation on taking responsibility for living in the modern era.
The conservative cliterati and the right wing pundits say that feminism failed because it took women away from the traditional values that are supposed to make us happy.
Feminism was never about happiness. It was about choice, physical and financial independence, and the freedom to choose what our lives would look like, which includes the ability to have autonomy over our bodies and our experiences.
The rush to “post-feminism,” an oxymoron to be sure, has left women mid-revolution. We have the freedoms, the financial opportunities, the sexual independence, but we are confused as to how to apply them in the modern era, where part of our goal is to also create relationships that offer both women and men satisfaction, safety, and security.
Women continue to jettison their own responsibility and independence and perpetuate the past by listening and following the likes of "The Rules" and Dr. Laura, encouraging a right wing agenda that will never work in the modern era. Not that it worked so well before, in the 1950s.
And we continually forget one of the main cogs in a committed relationship in the modern era. Whereas in the past friendship was the most important element in relationships, something else has joined this important dynamic. To have a monogamous relationship today we must deliver that which makes a partnership intimate and separates it from a simple friendship. Sex.
As long as women remain rooted in fear about our own liberation, including communicating to men what we want, then allowing them to produce what is there's to offer, we will be forever tied to the past, which didn’t work the first time around.
Men are easy.
Women are hard, and in the modern era of partnership it’s usually all the woman’s fault when things don’t work out.
Women must understand that it takes very little to make a man happy.
One of those things is to see a smile on our face and in our eyes, because nothing makes a man happier than making his lady happy.
Unfortunately, women often refuse to be happy, because they simply won’t take responsibility for their own lives, which includes the simple action of deciding to be happy with the life we’ve freely chosen to lead.
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One of those things is to see a smile on our face and in our eyes, because nothing makes a man happier than making his lady happy.
True. We men are such simple creatures.
More like to constipated toilet. She sure confused!
Unfortunately, a LOT of so-called modern women ARE very hard to please. Continually dissatisfied despite having so much opportunity, and control. I think weikel has a good idea about exploring the possibilities of dating foreign women. A nice South American hottie who might be religious and have STRONG family values wouldn't be bad, for a change.
I LOVE Southern women, but even with them, many of them are unhappy and unable to be satisfied with all of the positive things in their lives.
What has happened to make so many women see the cup as nearly empty when it is really about to run over?? I finally grew tired of making women miserable after being in lengthy relationships with them. Now, I am unwilling to get into committed relationships with them, and I still enjoy their company, without all of the games they play while in a committed relationship. Of course, they are still dissatisfied, but since I am just buying the milk, I don't have to put up with the unhappy cow.
This woman makes many valid points in this article, IMHO.
1. Own a vagina
2. Keep the weight off
One of those things is to see a smile on our face and in our eyes, because nothing makes a man happier than making his lady happy.
Les Brown put it best, as he re-wrote the hook line of "A Good Man Is Hard to Find."
The line?
"Put a smile on your face and keep your big mouth shut!"
A slip of the tongue?
(hee) 
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