WILLIAM THE TAMPERER

Firehat ^ | 12/11/02 | Norman Liebmann

[Cup of Joe]

Somewhere along the line, Bill Clinton got the notion God put him on Earth to teach your......

[Cup of Joe]

Somewhere along the line, Bill Clinton got the notion God put him on Earth to teach your grandmother to suck eggs. Good thing for him Granny ain't around or she'd take him out to the woodshed and kick his ass.

The three ultimate intrusions in American life are a nosy neighbor who rents time on a reconnaissance satellite, a bat who decides to hibernate in your undershorts, and Bill Clinton. Clinton is like a door-to-door proctologist gone mad, Bill Clinton is into everything. He has a tapeworm's genius for personal involvement. To paraphrase the lyrics of Irving Berlin, Clinton's favorite song is "There's no business like your business - and no way to keep me out of it." Like cow flop, Bubba is all over the place. Clinton is not a President; he's a gaddamn franchise operation. He is further into everything that Monica Lewinsky's thong. When Clinton "accidentally" walks into the ladies room, the attendant shows him to his usual booth. The only neck-of-the-woods he hasn't made himself right at home is in Viet Nam.

Bill Clinton has that urgent need common to all oligarchs, autocrats, despots, tyrants, and oppressors, i.e. the determination and the tenacity to try to run everyone's life. Once he gets his teeth into something that's none of his business, he's like a gila monster. You can cut off his body but the head still hangs on.

Until Bubba came along we didn’t know there was anything wrong with America. Even if there isn’t, he doesn't see any point in waiting until the last moment to fix it. That's what Dictators are for.

Bill Clinton, in his usual intrusive manner, has taken it upon himself to decide:

which school your kids can get shot in.

what kind of sex is okay with a consenting sheep.

which fetuses will be allowed to come to term and what color they will be.

what day of the week the city will collect the garbage and what day it will be delivered to your home.

how often to "go potty" (Hillary will decide in what position to leave the toilet seat.)

which religions are okay, as long as you don't practice them.

which is the right HMO medical plan for you to die under

whether males, too, must wait for "Mr. Right" to come along

which illegal aliens shall be allowed to wade across the Rio Grande - and what rules they must follow to keep their shipment of cocaine from getting wet.

which perverts must drop their boxers and which perverts must drop their briefs

which redwood forests will be cut down and when families will be allowed to visit them and go picknicking in the shade of the stumps.

which infant will suckle and when and where they can "spit up"

which students are eligible for student loans so they can go to the right college to remain ignorant

who shall smoke, but not inhale, drink, but not swallow, have sex, but not orgasm

Well, gang, put it all together and it spells H-I-T-L-E-R. And we thought Bubba didn't have a role model!

I went over the history of Adolph Hitler and Bill Clinton and found astonishing parallels between the two. Here are some of the glaring ones:

Hitler had eugenics, Clinton had ebonics.

Hitler had genocide, Clinton has abortion.

Hitler had invasion, Clinton has illegal immigration

Hitler had the master race, Clinton has racial preferences

Hitler had Buchenwald, Clinton has Fort Marcy Park

Hitler had Munich, Clinton has Dayton

Hitler had the Warsaw ghetto, Clinton has Waco

Hitler had slave labor, Clinton has NAFTA

Hitler had "the big lie", Clinton has "the big spin"

Hitler had torture, Clinton has "harassment"

Hitler had purges, Clinton has fatal trade missions

Hitler was called Der Fuhrer, Clinton is called Der Fondler

Hitler had der wiener, Clinton has der weenie

Hitler tried to get into Moscow, Clinton's was welcomed there with open arms

Hitler had "der putsch", Clinton married "die bitch"

Hitler had the Afrika Corps, Clinton has the Afrika vote.

Hitler had a 61% approval rating, Clinton has a 62% approval rating

Hitler had storm troopers, Clinton had state troopers

Hitler had the Gestapo, Clinton has the Janet Reno Department of Justice.

Hitler had "lebensraum", Clinton has "hotel-raum"

Hitler had the Russian front, Clinton has the fly front

Hitler had "a bunker mentality", Clinton has "an Arkansas mentality"

Hitler had confiscation, Clinton has "campaign contributions"

Hitler had the SS, Clinton has the IRS

Hitler had the Panzers, Clinton has the pansies

Hitler had Goebels, Clinton has Carville

Hitler had the rabble, Clinton has the liber-rabble.

Hitler had Tojo, Clinton has Huang

Hitler burned the books, Clinton shredded the evidence.

Hitler had the Hitler Youth, Clinton has "the chil-run."

Hitler had Herman Goering, Clinton has Al Boring

Hitler made long speeches, Clinton has diarrhea of the mouth.

Hitler had the Ministry of Propaganda, Clinton has CNN.

Hitler had the Axis, Clinton has the taxes

Hitler had indoctrination, Clinton has Affirmative Action

Hitler had the Crooked Cross, Clinton had the Double Cross

Hitler had Stalingrad, Clinton has Kosovo

The only difference between Bill Clinton and Adolph Hitler is - Hitler's book "sold" better

[Inspectorette]

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