TODAY'S TOP NEWS HEADLINES...

The Iconoclast ^ | November 8, 2002 | Unknown

[clintonbaiter]

TOP HEADLINES

The Iconoclast (www.iconoclast.ca)

BRAZILIAN PRESIDENT-ELECT LULA NAMES HIS CABINET




(Rio de Janeiro) -- While his socialist supporters are still samba-ing in the streets of the "Cidade maravilhosa" ("Marvelous City"), diminutive single-name Brazilian President-Elect Lula has just announced the members of his new cabinet. They include:

Ivete, Minister of Bossa Nova
Pele, Minister of Soccer
Simone, Minister of Bikinis
Xuxa, Minister of Sun Bathing
Cujo, Minister of Naked Co-ed Beach Volleyball
Pato, Minister of Not Liking Argentina
Roberto, Minister of People with Only One Name
Pogo, Minister of Really Hot Chicks
Pronto, Minister of Caipirinhas
Alcione, Minister of Ass-Wiggling


President-Elect Lula has decided to eliminate the Ministries of Finance, Defense and Justice as a cost-saving measure. He is also considering a national referendum to decide on a second name.

William Grim, Iconoclast.ca

---

NATIONAL SCIENCE FOUNDATION TO SELL NAMING RIGHTS TO ELEMENTS




WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Citing a need to develop new revenue sources for large-scale scientific projects like the superconducting semicollider and a manned mission to Mars, the National Science Foundation today announced that it will begin to sell naming rights to the elements of the Periodic Table, which will hereafter be referred to as the Nokia Periodic Table of the Elements.

The naming rights for the first element (formerly known as hydrogen) were sold to the ExxonMobil Corporation for an amount rumored to be in excess of $1.7 billion. The new element, Exxonmobilium (EX), has an atomic weight of 1 and is the most plentiful element in the universe.

"We're pleased as punch that the first element will carry the corporate logo of ExxonMobil," said Murray Hottenheimer, Director of Communications for ExxonMobil. "Like our company, Exxonmobilium is found worldwide and it's environmentally friendly, because when you burn Exxonmobilium the byproduct is water. Cheap abundant energy and clean drinking water. That's what ExxonMobil is all about."

The Oxygen Network was poised to purchase the naming rights to the eighth element, oxygen (O), but financial difficulties have forced it to drop out of the running. The City of Los Angeles was going to step in, but lawyers for the National Science Foundation squashed that deal when the point was made that if Los Angeles purchased the naming rights to oxygen, the scientific formula for water would then be EX2LAX and would thereby cause problems with trademark infringement. Fortunately, however, The Gap had the next highest bid; so as of midnight, November 30, 2002 the element formerly known as oxygen will hereafter be called Gapdnum (G).

DC Comics has also purchased the naming rights to element 36, krypton, which will now be known as kryptonite, with its first and second isotopes called red kryptonite and green kryptonite respectively.
--William Grim, Broken Newz, © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz. All rights reserved.

---

WOODY HARRELSON PROMOTES HIS NEW AUTOBIOGRAPHY: 'REALLY STUPID WASHED-UP WHITE B-LIST CELEBRITY'



Woody Harrelson appeared live from London on the Larry King Live show last night, promoting his newly released autobiography, Really Stupid Washed-Up White B-List Celebrity. Harrelson, best known for the doltish character he played on the popular "Cheers" sitcom, has found himself in the headlines again. During his recent stay in London, where he is performing in a play, Harrelson got into a brawl with a taxi driver and he also penned an anti-war, anti-American op-ed piece in the respected British newspaper The Guardian.

Regarding the Guardian op-ed, Harrelson told King that "I really don't see who is more qualified to talk about world issues than a pothead and a second-rate actor. All the years I've spent sitting in my basement doing drugs, not being a productive member of society, all of them brought me to this point, where I make pronouncements about what life is like in Iraq, a country I've never visited, and where I pick gratuitous fights with hard working blue collar members of British society."

Chapter titles in Harrelson's autobiography include: "The Wisdom of your Inner Coke Fiend," "Scoring with Starlets even after your Hit Series is over," "Making your Complete and Utter Ignorance Work to your Advantage," "Our British Friends: Foolish Enough to Give me Publicity...No Wonder they Lost their Empire!" and "How to Exploit Attacks Against your own Country to Revive your Dwindling Career."

Harrelson says the title of his book was suggested by his new best friend, obese liberal whiner Michael Moore. "If anyone knows about stupid white men," says Harrelson, "it's Mike! And not just stupid white men, but stupid, obese white men. And let me tell you, if I don't stop smoking dope, that's what I'm gonna be real soon"..........................................

Marni-Rebecca Malarkey

---

[clintonbaiter]

More news that's not fit to print.