      |
Rep. James Traficant, D-Ohio |
Right now, the House is taking up the Partial Birth Abortion bill.
433-2?
Or will it be a bigger margin than that?
Quotable Quotes from Traficant's Federal Trial
Leave "Touched by an Angel" on TV
Mr. Speaker, hundreds of thousands of Americans signed petitions to have the popular TV show "Touched by an Angel" removed from television. They want it canceled. They said, quote-unquote, "It refers too much to God." Unbelievable. But just turn on the TV. Murder, rape, terrorism, graphic depiction of sex. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. Mass murder is okay, but God is offensive? I think it is time, ladies and gentlemen, for Congress to tell these petitioners to leave God and "Touched by an Angel" alone. Leave it on TV. I yield back all the sex, drugs, and murder on television.
No Five-Day Waiting Period on Chinese Nukes
Mr. Speaker, China spies and buys our secrets. Then China points their missiles at American cities. Now if that is not enough to put trigger locks on Chinese missiles, a White House spokesman said, and I quote, "We will grant China swift admission to the World Trade Organization." Swift admission no less. Beam me up here. I am firmly convinced those experts at the White House are smoking dope. I yield back the fact that there is no 5-day waiting period on Chinese nukes. Think about that.
Flag Day
Madam Speaker, in America it is illegal to burn trash, but we can burn the flag. It is illegal to remove a label from a mattress, but we can literally rip the stars and stripes off our flag. It is illegal to damage a mailbox, but we can destroy our flag. Beam me up. A people that does not honor and respect their flag is a people that does not honor and respect their country nor their neighbors. Today is Flag Day. I say if we want to make a political statement, we can burn our bras, burn our BVDs, but we should leave Old Glory alone. Every day should be Flag Day.
The Lady Buckeyes at the Lincoln Memorial
The Ohio State women's rugby team, Mr. Speaker, wanted to do something memorable in D.C. It was memorable, all right. Unlike Brandy Chastain's highly publicized sports bra expose, the Lady Buckeyes went topless. That is right, topless. The Lincoln Memorial became a strip joint. Bras were flying everywhere. Unbelievable. Now, after all this, the University has suspended the team, and these Buckeye vixens are awaiting the final decision. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. Leave these foxy ladies alone. If America can forgive the President, the Ohio State University can forgive these Buckeye divas. I yield back all of the memorable excitement at the Lincoln Memorial.
And saving the best for last, we have:
Bring Old Reliable Back to its Proper Throne
Mr. Speaker, a 1992 law designed to save water said that the old standard 3 1/2 gallon toilet must be replaced with a 1 1/2 gallon streamlined job. It sounds good, but Americans have been flushing away ever since. It has gotten so bad there is now a black market on old reliables. It is no joke. Americans are getting potty fatigue flushing their own toilet. If that is not enough, Members of the other side, to squeeze your Charmin, if you get caught flushing an old reliable in your own home, it is a $2,500 fine. Beam me up here. I say the nincompoop over at EPA who suggested this policy should go to a proctologist for a brain scan. Flush this. I yield back all the constipation over this issue and urge us to bring old reliable back to its appropriate throne.
FDA Gone to the Dogs?
Mr. Speaker, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a new-state-of-the-art antidepressant for dogs. The FDA says "American canines are suffering from anxiety." Think about it, no barking beagles, no more whining weimaraners, no more defecating Dobermans. Meanwhile, the FDA continues to deny approval for certain cancer- treating drugs to help mom and dad. Beam me up. It is evident that the FDA has gone to the dogs. What is next, Viagra for felines? I yield back all the misguided priorities of the Food and Drug Administration.
Furby Cited as Threat to U.S. Security
Mr. Speaker, the President is on trial, we are bombing Baghdad, Kosovo is in turmoil, and the American steel industry is literally being raped. After all this, the National Security Agency has designated a new major threat to our Republic, the furby; that is right, this furby cyberpet, that stands 4 inches tall and sells for $30, has just been designated as the next great threat to our freedom. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. Beam me up. I say, the only threat these furbys really pose is they seem to appear to be much smarter than the bungling nincompoops at the National Security Agency. I recommend, for $30 a smack, here, that we hire furbys and fire those bureaucrats. Think about that one. Furby this, James Bond.
IT'S DRIVING ME MENTAL!