THIS WEEK'S SATIRICAL NEWS

The Iconoclast ^ | July 11, 2002 | Unknown

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WORLD TRAFFIC COURT HEARS FIRST CASE


Judges at new World Traffic Court pose for group picture before handing down rulings on world-wide traffic infractions

The Hague - In a simple but solemn opening day ceremony, the twelve crimson-robed justices of the newly-established World Traffic Court held their first session at the Palace of Vehicular Justice in The Hague, Netherlands. Chief Justice Joseph Ndemnegango (Ghana) quickly gaveled the court to order as he and his fellow barristers from Sweden, Bulgaria, Japan, Trinidad & Tobago, Argentina, Canada, Lesotho, Malaysia, Yemen, Turkey and France heard their first case, Ferguson v. New Rome, Ohio, an appeal of a $150 fine levied against Mabel Ferguson of Paterson, New Jersey by the Mayor's Court of New Rome, Ohio. Ferguson was stopped by New Rome police on September 27, 1998 for allegedly doing 36 mph in a 35 mph zone.

In his opening statement, Bruce Cutler, Ferguson's lawyer who is best known for his spirited defense of Mafia boss John Gatti, claimed that his client was really doing only between 22 and 25 mph and that the town of New Rome operates a "speed trap" in which drivers with out-of-state license plates are routinely given bogus speeding tickets, the receipts of which constitute 98% of New Rome's annual operating budget. The trial is expected to last more than six weeks, and Mr. Cutler says that he intends to have 37 expert witnesses testify as well as introduce into evidence CIA spy satellite imagery that will "prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ms. Ferguson was and continues to be the victim of a gigantic governmental conspiracy to deprive her of her most basic human rights."

Most experts give Ferguson a better than 50-50 chance of winning her appeal, but doubt that the case will establish any legal precedents regardless of how the court decides. Great anticipation, however, awaits the next case on the court's docket, Johanssen v. Oslo, in which a Norwegian man is seeking the overturning of his conviction for parking in a handicapped zone that he claims was not clearly indicated as such.
--William Grim, Broken Newz, © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz. All rights reserved. Broken Newz

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FORMER U.S. SENATOR BOB KERREY DEFENDS HIMSELF AGAINST VIETNAM'S CHARGES THAT HE'S A WAR CRIMINAL. SAYS THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE SINCE HE'S A LIBERAL DEMOCRAT, SUPPORTED GUN CONTROL AND VOTED FOR AL GORE.


Former U.S. Senator Bob Kerrey poses with two sympathetic Vietnam War veterans who agree that it's not possible that Kerrey is a war criminal since he is a liberal Democrat, supports multiculturalism, and is on a low-fat diet.

Former Democratic Senator Bob Kerrey struck out angrily today at the accusation, by the government of Vietnam, that he is a war criminal. "That's preposterous," claimed Kerrey, now president of New York's New School University. "Don't they realize that I'm a liberal Democrat. How could I be a war criminal? I've supported gay marriages; I've been a constant champion of affirmative action; I fought for multicultural education; I crusaded for tougher gun control laws, and I have rigorously adhered to a low-fat diet for twenty years."

Continued Kerrey, "You'd think the way they talk about me, I was one of those typical Republican war-criminal types who opposes amnesty for illegal immigrants, supports racial profiling, and eats too much meat. This is nothing but a big smear by a cabal of right- wingers in the Vietnam government."

The communist government of Vietnam has formally accused Kerrey of committing crimes during the Vietnam War, saying that families of villagers killed by the Navy SEAL team Kerrey commanded experienced "incomparable suffering and losses." The former senator has admitted that about 13 civilians were killed "by mistake" after his SEAL team returned fire during a raid on Thanh Phong village on Feb. 25, 1969. He claims he did not know of the civilian casualties until the shooting stopped.

However, a member of his Navy SEAL unit -- and two Vietnamese women who said they witnessed the raid -- have charged that the soldiers, following Kerrey's orders, herded about twenty women and children together and massacred them.

Previously, Mr. Kerrey enthusiastically supported the creation of the new International Criminal Court in Europe, for prosecuting international war criminals. However, now he says he agrees with Republican President George W. Bush and is having second thoughts about the legitimacy of the new international legal body.

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FIERY BLAZE ENVELOPES MARTHA STEWART'S OFFICE AND DESTROYS HER FINANCIAL RECORDS.

HOMEMAKING GURU CALLS DISASTER 'A GOOD THING'


The elegant home office complex of Martha Stewart unexpectedly goes up in flames not long after authorities obtained a subpeona to search the domestic diva's office files

Firefighters were called to the elegant home office complex of homemaker extraordinaire Martha Stewart early this morning after passersby reported seeing the building enveloped in flames.

The blaze was soon brought under control, but not in time to prevent the destruction of much of the office's contents. Stewart is reported to have lost several All-American cake stencil sets, a Stars to the Sky cookie kit, a number of edible centerpieces, and most of her financial records in the fire.

"It's a good thing," pronounced Stewart when told of the damage to her financial files. "Uhhhhm, I mean a good thing it wasn't worse."

Investigators have not yet determined the cause of the blaze, but say they are focusing their inquiry on the remnants of a suspicious number of smouldering butter warmers they have found strewn throughout the charred office.

Marni Soupcoff

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54° 40´ OR CELINE -- CANADA AND U.S. REACH HISTORIC AGREEMENT




(International Falls, MN)-- Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien and US President George W. Bush met in this border town between the two great North American countries to sign a landmark treaty, one that promises to settle differences that have existed since the War of 1812 began in the year 1812.

"Dis is a great day for da Canadian-US relationshy-ons," proclaimed Canadian P.M., Jean Chretien, who just earlier had testily reminded members of the press corps that his name is Chretien, not Cretin.

For his part, President Bush also praised the new era in American-Canadian relations and said he was looking forward to meeting Lorne Greene and Dudley Do-Right after the signing ceremony.

Although details of the new treaty are highly technical, the most important feature is that Canada has agreed to cede to the United States all territory south of latitude 54° 40´, while the United States has agreed to grant refugee status to Canadian singer Celine Dion and all 596 members of her immediate family, with the proviso that her recordings can only be sold within the continental United States.

International law experts say it will take some time to gauge the effects of the treaty, but that at first glance the United States appears to have gotten the raw end of the deal.

William Grim

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BUSH TWINS CAUSE MEDIA PANIC

USE THEIR OWN I.D. AT D.C. BAR, ORDER COKES, AND DON'T GET FALLING-DOWN DRUNK

DISAPPOINTED MEDIA HAS NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT.


Completely sober twin daughters of the president disappoint
media at latest public appearance

(Washington)--The twin daughters of President Bush caused a wave of media panic today when they entered a well-known Washington bar, ordered cokes, and behaved respectively -- politely greeting other customers, overtipping their waiter, and spending most of the evening discussing the merits of increased foreign aid to Africa.

After leaving the bar, the twins attended a late-night screening of The Sound of Music, leaving local Washington reporters with nothing to write about this week.

"They were a lot more interesting before they sobered up," commented distraught Washington Whisper gossip columnist, Mattie Rubbish. "I wished they'd take up drinking again."

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PROPOSAL TO CANONIZE FRANK SINATRA PUT ON BACKBURNER BY VATICAN


Canonization of the Chairman of the Board will have to wait for another day, according to Vatican sources

Vatican City - Reeling from a series of sex scandals and a worldwide decline in bingo revenues, the Vatican announced today that it is temporarily suspending the efforts of a group of New Jersey Catholics to have Frank Sinatra canonized. Monsignor Alberto Baldacci, chairman of the powerful Congregation for the Protection of the Faith, gave the church's reasons for the suspension in an encyclical entitled 'Nihil pro bono Sinatra'.

While admitting that the late crooner and Oscar®-winning actor was a generous man and a faithful Catholic, Baldacci stated that "Sinatra's association with various unsavory characters involved in organized criminal activities, and with diminutive tap-dancing one-eyed Jewish Negroes, were deal-breakers in the present moral climate. Maybe when this pederast priest thing blows over we can take a second look at Ol' Blue Eyes' application."

According to sources close to the Holy See, the Pope was seeing red when he heard about the delay in the Sinatra canonization. John Paul II is reportedly a big fan of the Chairman of the Board and listens constantly to his albums, especially In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning, while on spiritual retreats at Castel Gondolfo. The Pope was seriously considering overruling the committee's decision, but was dissuaded when informed that as of yet no miracles had been ascribed to Frank Sinatra's intervention. Typically, at least three verified miracles must be ascribed to a person before he is considered for sainthood.

"I think that's just a bunch of hogwash," said Judy Fiorelli of Hoboken, New Jersey, chairperson of the Sinatra Sainthood Society. "All I have to do is put on 'Guess I'll Have to Hang My Tears Out to Dry' or 'Something Foolish' or 'I'll Never Smile Again' and Norman, my husband, gets all cuddly and romantic. If that ain't a miracle, I don't know what is."
--William Grim, Broken Newz, © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz. All rights reserved. Broken Newz

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SURPRISE PRESIDENTIAL BID FROM GORE FAMILY

KARENNA GORE SHIFF, PERKY DAUGHTER OF AL GORE, WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT

PROMISES PERMANENT BAN ON DWARF TOSSING IN COLLEGE-AREA BARS ACROSS THE NATION

Memphis--A beaming Karenna Gore Schiff, perpetually smiling and perky daughter of former U.S. Vice President Al Gore, announced today that she will be a candidate for office in the 2004 elections. She thrilled her former sorority sisters in an upbeat speech announcing her candidacy at her former sorority house by promising a permanent ban on dwarf tossing in college-area bars and taverns.

"I'm so thrilled that you are the first ones to learn the good news for America that I will be running for office in 2004," the bouncy young Gore daughter told a cheering crowd of assembled Epsilon Alpha Beta Waita-minute sorority members. "I've come back here, to the scene of my previous greatest triumph where I was elected Ms. Congeniality in the 1998 Epsilon Alpha Beta Waita-minute 'Hottie of the Year' beauty contest, to tell you and America that it's time for another Gore presidential candidate -- Karenna Gore, er, Schiff!"

"America, if you elect me your president," she continued, "I earnestly promise to do everything in my power to fight world poverty, establish world peace and clamp down on dwarf tossing wherever this loathsome practise continues!"

In a upbeat press conference after her speech, Karenna Gore Schiff admitted to reporters that she takes after her famous father in a number of ways. "Well for one thing," she confessed, "I can remember my mom Tipper saying to me after I invented the Internet: 'Karenna, you're just like your daffy dad with that creative imagination of yours. Next to your dad, no-one can tell whoppers like that with a straight face as well as you do!"

Karenna Gore Schiff told reporters that her favorite hobbies are hand-feeding homeless people and giving unemployed Third World peasants a big hug. She said she believed she was qualified to make a presidential run at such an early age because "I am a Gore and it is the destiny of we Gores to become president, and besides America needs a congenial, perky president in such bleak times!"

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DICK GEPHARDT SAYS IF HE'S ELECTED HE'LL BE SECOND "BLACK" PRESIDENT


House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-MO) speaking out in the House of Representatives on the merits of rap music

(St. Louis)-- House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-MO), widely expected to be a candidate for the Democratic nomination for president in 2004, last Saturday hosted a "Get Down With Dick" barbecue for his supporters in the backyard of his St. Louis home. Representative Gephardt, sporting a 70s style Afro haircut and wearing a dashiki given to him by Maurice White, leader of the soul/funk band Earth, Wind & Fire, started the festivities off by singing a rap version of "The Missouri Waltz" and telling his guests to "crack open a 40 'cause we par-tay all night, my bruthas and sistas."

After a catered meal consisting of fried chicken, hog jowls, chittlin's and a big mess o' greens, Representative Gephardt gave his keynote address, which almost all agree was one of the most eloquent political speeches ever delivered in Ebonics. In this speech, Gephardt promised to follow in the footsteps of his political hero, Bill Clinton, whom poet Maya Angelou called "the first black President of the United States."

"Bruthas and sistas, I lays it to ya as it be's," Representative Gephardt said. "Brutha Bill had an eye fo' de ladies. Uh-huh, ain't no lie. He be mackin' on dat action all de time. Well, if'n I be's de next president, I sho' nuff gonna continue that proud tradition. Word is bond."

After a standing ovation of several minutes, Gephardt and his guests held hands and sang an emotional rendition of "I Got 'Ho's in Diff'rent Area Codes."

In related news, a recent CNN/Times opinion poll revealed that 63% of Americans now believe that Representative Gephardt is "def" and "phat," 28% feel that he is "happenin'," and 5% still consider him to be a "Missouri cracker." Four percent were too wasted on chronic to have an opinion.

William Grim

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