Posted on 07/07/2002 10:55:29 PM PDT by FreedomFriend
Kathleen is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirty-something software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan Syndrome--they refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."
However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.
"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31 year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry. "I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment--wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."
The US marriage rate has dipped 40% over the past four decades, to its lowest point ever. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system which is hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."
It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Kathleen, and has two children. There is a 50% likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does the odds are two to one that it will be Kathleen, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband--studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.
While the courts may grant Dan and Kathleen joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Kathleen, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Over night Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad"--a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every 7 days with his own children.
Once divorced, odds are at least even that Dan's ex-wife will interfere with his visitation rights. Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40% of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.
Kathleen will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take home pay to Kathleen in child support.
As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.
He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.
He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70% or 80% of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.
"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."
I have seen girls in church at work. And, sometimes, the difference between a Christian girl and a secular girl, with all that it entails, is that one girl carries around a Bible on Sunday.
You may get wrapped up in infatuation long before you've gotten to know the individual's character, actions, life, etc. This can lead many people to fall in love with people of whom they have nothing in common.
This is so true.
Trust me, "Bad Boys" are just that. They're usually shallow, conceited, arrogant, immoral, and are not the type of guy for any woman to be dealing with if she is looking for a marriage partner.
I was probably guilty of this when I was younger, but more for the fact that I was naive (I actually thought they liked me for what was inside, not outside) and due to my profession I came into contact with more bad boy types. It's true, once a person gets out of college it is more difficult to meet a wide variety of people. But I must say this, I've been set up on blind dates by other people and those individuals turned out to be worse than anyone I could have picked.
I often wonder if it is women who do not want to marry, for I get the impression that they go for the "bad boy" simply to put off marriage, knowing that dating a nice guy will get them into the situation of which they can't say no to a proposal. I've thought that this case may apply every now and then.
A very interesting observation. I will think about this one. You may be on to something here.
However, you do live in California, a very liberal state. I imagine it may be harder to meet quality people because of the liberalness of the place.
Yes, I am a conservative but I don't think I've ever dated a liberal. I live in a pretty conservative area. These guys were probably more apolitical/libertarian and some conservative. Some of them post on this site.
Still, I've met people of all types who were decent and who were not. Religion or lack thereof was no help.
You make a good point, but I wonder if Dan thinks he'll just throw 300 or 400 dollars at her and tell her to get an abortion.
As a lawyer that has handled divorces, I have seen all of the horrors the system does to men. So I advise my sons to stay within the church and meet and befriend as many Christian women as possible. Then, after a number of years, pick the one that seems to be their best friend and that clearly has a heart for the word of Christ. This can be a man's only guarantee these days to protect him from total surprise desolation: knowing that his wife absolutely believes in the teachings of Jesus Christ with all of her heart. I tell my sons to chose only from women they know who believe that deeply. It has worked for me.
If you meet your wife in a bar, or at work, what do you expect if alcohol and fun, or money come before you.
I've only been set up on a blind date twice. In each of those dates, I had a good time. However, the girl, for some reason or another, got disinterested after a date or two and, therefore, I know longer went out with them.
Yes, there are a few Conservative areas of California. I believe the Sierra mountain, desert and valley/wine country areas are more conservative. While, on the other hand, the coastal regions (-San Luis Obispo and San Diego Counties) are very liberal. Much of northern California is home to many environmentalists.
It used to be that the boys chased the girls for a little action. Now, the girls do as much chasing as the boys. It has gotten to be a real free-for-all out there. They are doing the nasty like little bunny rabbits trying to make the world a giant bunny-rabbit pen. To paraphrase a famous congressman, there is a whole lot of screwing going on out there.
They are too busy exploring their sexuality to think about getting married. And, why tie yourself down to one mate when there is all that action going on? Of course, kids get older and lose their looks. They get fat and settled down. Have you ever seen a jaded middle-aged person? Their lifestyle is very telling in the lines on their face, and their unhappy outlook on life is distinctive.
And, there is something really sad about the 30s something crowd who look for a decent mate, when they have been anything but that. They do things like go to Alaska to try to find some fool to marry them. And, when even that doesn't work for them, what do they have left?
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