Posted on 06/24/2002 1:10:42 PM PDT by califirst
Osama Bin Laden Found
Cayman , Special to the Sulekha Indus Inquirer
Orlando, Jun 20, 2002
Over the past several months, the US Special Operations force has been combing the caves of eastern Afghanistan for clues about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, the elusive mastermind behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Recent discoveries in the ruins of the Ministry for Superior Islamic Education have thrown up new clues. A search party led by Sgt. Al Cayda has stumbled upon box loads of colorful brochures, advertising a new college in Kabul, with branches in Kandahar, Herat and Jalalabad.
Snippets from the brochure as revealed by Cayda in a secret exclusive briefing for Cayman's Nose for News (CNN): "The ISI Institute of Talibanic Technology (IITT) offers undergraduate and advanced degrees in disciplines as diverse as aeronautics (with specialization in mid-air flight navigation; take-off and landing courses are optional) biochemistry (with specialization in anthrax studies), nuclear science (with emphasis on radioactive waste dissemination) and male cosmetology (emphasis on hair and beard growth).
IITT boasts of an international faculty, all drawn from Pakistan. Interested students are encouraged to send their applications to Head Principal Mullah Mohammed Omar, Cave Number 202-A, Kandahar. Application forms are available on the web at www.wannabe-taliban.com. The application fee of 100 million Afghanis can be paid by cheque or cash. If you are paying cash, pack the money in no less than three large suitcases and include an additional shipping and handling fee of 10 million Afghanis payable to Abdul's Friendly Donkey Delivery Service. The application fee may be waived for deserving candidates (such as the 53 children of Osama Bin Laden and the 7000 cousins of Prince Omar Abdullah).
As a matter of policy, IITT requires that all candidates for admission pass the Jihadi Entrance Examination (JEE). The word on the street is that Osama Bin Laden was originally tipped to head IITT but he declined citing other commitments. An in-depth investigation by CNN reveals that Osama had originally intended to accept the post of Head Principal, but he changed his mind when he heard about the JEE requirement. Rumor has it that he got in touch with Excellent Tutorials of Chennai, which saw a great business opportunity for venturing into a new market, i.e. running coaching classes for IITT-JEE. Osama was hired as a content consultant and occasional lecturer for an undisclosed amount. Thus it was that while Osama opted for the moolah, IITT had to be content with the Mullah.
Excellent launched a subliminal advertising campaign on Zee TV (to attract Pakistani viewers) and Al-Jazeera (for the Arabic world). In between ads for Jal Jeera, Al Jazeera showed shots of a burqa-clad Cindy Crawford seductively waving her bare fingers with a voiceover, "You and IITT-JEE; just Excellent." Since some found the display of naked fingers to be offensive, later ads had her wearing a glove and holding a piece of okra (lady's finger). Thanks to the power of Cindy's bhindi, there was a mad scramble for admission to IITT and a big demand for Excellent's coaching services. The main post office in T.Nagar, Chennai was flooded with letters from Mauritania to Malaysia, from students almost in tears, pleading for Excellent's 'notes'. But Osama proved to be worth his fee as a content consultant, coming up with realistic JEE questions such as 'If the Bamiyan Buddha was 300 feet tall and you were in charge of a mortar battery stationed 200 feet away from its base, at what angle of inclination would you fire the projectile, so that it would hit the nose of the statue? Assume that there is no wind resistance.'
However, Osama was never content with just being a content consultant and ultimately that proved to be his undoing. His other interests and ambitions (destroying Uncle Sam, leading a Pan-Islamic empire), the events of September 11 and the US retaliation forced him to flee Afghanistan. A desperate last minute phone call to Excellent's chairman helped save him. Thanks to the guilt trip he put on the chairman, he found himself on a helicopter heading out of Kandahar, just as the first smart bombs started raining down. The chopper was flown by a Captain Ramana Reddy, so it turned out to be a gult trip, but that's another matter.
So next time you happen to walk down Sigamani Street in T.Nagar, don't be surprised to see a tall bearded 'swamiji' sitting underneath the mango tree near the Udipi Srinivasa Bhavan hotel. He rarely speaks and is usually found with his eyes closed. His two disciples (also bearded) tell us in a strange accent that Ottapidaram Sarvakala Mauna Swamiar (Osama Swamiar for short) is in deep meditation.
Meant to be a stupid post !
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.