Sodden professor suspended for lecturing dribble

FUKUOKA -- A professor at a respected Fukuoka university has been suspended for two months after giving a senseless lecture following a heavy afternoon drinking session, it was learned Saturday.

Norito Udagawa, the president of Kyushu Sangyo University, expressed his regret over the conduct of the 52-year-old professor at its Faculty of Commerce.

"We offer our sincerest apologies to everyone involved. We'll discuss measures to ensure this kind of action never happens again," Udagawa said. The unnamed professor will concentrate on his research projects and won't give lectures in the future, he added.

University officials said the professor attended a boozy get-together of a private research group held in Sue, Fukuoka Prefecture, on the afternoon of April 13.

The drunk educator staggered back to the university a few hours later to give a lecture on marketing theory, but he was unable to speak coherently or write readable characters on the blackboard. The disastrous lecture was cancelled after students complained, university officials said.

The following is a partial transcript of that "disastrous lecture."

"...(Hiccup) And furthermore, I just want to say that I love you guys. All of you. Really I do. (Hiccup) Anyway...as I was saying (hiccup), imagine the universe we live in. Imagine our universe being inside one cell of another living beings fingernail. (Hiccup) Now everybody look at one of your fingernails. Imagine (hiccup) that there could be billions and billions of universes inside your fingernail (hiccup). Makes you think twice about clipping your nails now don't it. Anyway, I love you guys, I really, really do (hiccup)..."

Comparing (and probably explaining why Vice Presidents are no longer asked to speak at inaugarals)... Vice President-elect Andrew Johnson drank heavily at a stag party the night before the inauguration. Before entering the Senate Chamber to take the oath and to deliver his acceptance speech, he spent some time in the anteroom with Hannibal Hamlin, who had served as Vice President during Lincoln's first term. A Boston newspaper, Commonwealth, reported what happened (from Milton Lomask's Andrew Johnson, President on Trial [Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1960]):
"There was nothing unusual in his [Johnson's] appearance except that he did not seem in robust health... Conversation proceeded on ordinary topics for a few minutes, when Mr. Johnson asked Mr. Hamlin if he had any liquor in the room, stating that he was sick and nervous... Brandy being indicated, a bottle was bought by one of the pages. It was opened, a tumbler provided, and Mr. Johnson poured it about two-thirds full... When [it was near] twelve... Mr. Hamlin rose, moved to the door near which the Sergeant-at-Arms stood and suggested to Mr. Johnson to come also. The latter got up... said, "Excuse me a moment," and walked hastily back to where the bottle was deposited. Mr. Hamlin saw him... pour as large a quantity as before into the glass and drink it down like water."
The two whoppers under his belt, Johnson lurched into the Senate Chamber. His speech was a disaster. Scheduled to talk for seven minutes, but thoroughly intoxicated by those two huge brandies (and by whatever alcohol remained in his blood from the night before), the new Vice President ignored his prepared script and made a rambling, incoherent speech that lasted more than a half-hour. President Lincoln was mortified.

From The Secret History of Alcoholism

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