BILL CLINTON DISCOUNTS 1999 C.I.A. REPORT TO CLINTON WHITE HOUSE WARNING THAT TERRORISTS ALIGNED WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN MIGHT HIJACK COMMERCIAL JETLINERS AND CRASH THEM INTO PENTAGON AND OTHER D.C. BUILDINGS.
SAYS THAT C.I.A. WAS ALWAYS CRYING WOLF ABOUT BIN LADEN OR SADDAM HUSSEIN OR THREAT OF ARAB TERRORISM. HOWEVER, C.I.A. NEVER HAD A POSITIVE CONTRIBUTION TO MAKE TO IMPORTANT MATTERS OF STATE -- LIKE THE PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPT TO STAVE OFF IMPEACHMENT.
HILLARY CLINTON JUMPS TO HER PHILANDERING HUSBAND'S DEFENSE. CLAIMS THAT BILL CLINTON NEVER HAD TIME TO PROPERLY DEAL WITH BIN LADEN TERRORIST THREAT BECAUSE OF HARRASSMENT BY KEN STARR AND BY REPUBLICANS OUT TO IMPEACH THE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT.
Ex-president Bill Clinton denies he's at fault because he ignored 1999 CIA warning that terrorists aligned with Osama Bin Laden might hijack commercial jetliners and crash them into pentagon and other D.C. buildings. Claims he had other more important matters of state to deal with -- namely attempts by Republicans to impeach him for perjury and other serious crimes.
"It's simply a matter how you define terrorism" explained former President Bill Clinton to reporters while defending his administration's record in responding to terrorist threats during his presidency. "After all impeachment was a form of terrorism by the Republican party. And no-one stood up to the threat of Republican terrorism more than Bill Clinton."
"It's also important we understand the roots of the 9/11 attacks," continued the concerned ex-president. "And it's obvious now that Osama Bin Laden and his followers were very upset with the unfair ballot count in Florida that made George W. Bush president. Perhaps if there had been a more just solution to the electoral scandal in Florida, and Al Gore were president, we might not be standing here having this discussion today."
BUSH CONFUSES 'CINCO DE MAYO' HOLIDAY WITH POPULAR SANDWICH SPREAD IN RADIO ADDRESS
A defensive President Bush shrugs off confusing the Mexican Cinco de Mayo national holiday with popular sandwich spread. Insists he has always preferred dijon mustard as his condiment of choice.
In a move aimed at reaching out to Mexicans and Hispanic-Americans, President Bush decided to honor the Cinco de Mayo holiday in his weekly radio address last Saturday. However, the President appeared to be unaware of the origins of the Mexican national holiday, mistaking 'Cinco de Mayo' for a sandwich spread.
"Liberty-loving people across the globe are continually inspired by Cinco de Mayo," Bush told his weekly radio audience, "whether it be on a BLT, a tuna sandwich, or even a hamburger." He then triumphantly held up a jar of Hellman's, but was reminded by aides that he was on the radio and no one could see him.
Later, in order to cover up the president's embarrassing gaffe, the White House announced plans for annual presidential celebrations of Miracle Whip, mustard, relish and other sandwich spreads and condiments. "In fact," confessed an anonymous White House staffer, "if the stupid French would stop torching synagogues for half a second, we might even consider Bernaise sauce."
BRAVE NEW WORLD: FLORIDA FAMILY IMPLANTED WITH TINY MICRO POTATO CHIPS. MAKES SNACKING EASIER WHILE WATCHING "WHO'S THE BOSS" RE-RUNS.
One of Florida's laziest families have become the first humans to be implanted with tiny micro potato chips that researchers say will simplify their snacking while watching TV.
"It's saves unnecessary time and energy getting up from the couch and finding a bag of potato chips or pretzels to snack on during a tense emergency-surgery segment on E.R., or the last two minutes of a close NBA basketball game," noted prominent Houston researcher Dr. Paul Glee. "By implanting our patented micro chips in the arms of lazy TV watchers," we can guarantee them that they can have immediately access to a ready supply of tasty potato-chip snacks whenever the impulse hits them and still remain physically inactive for hours on end."
Florida residents Jeff and Suzie Slog, along with their 14-year-old son, Sammie, had the tiny chips implanted in their arms. They describe the tasty new micro technology as a modern-day marvel, but say they wish the tiny micro chips also came in BBQ, Ketchup and Sour Cream flavors for a little more variety.
Mr. Slog said he is looking forward to next month's experimental implantation of tiny micro capsules of Miller Lite beer in his right shoulder. "I can't wait till NFL season starts again, and I can really make use of these implants," he enthused to reporters.
YASSER ARAFAT RENEGES ON LAST WEEK'S PROMISE TO HOLD FREE ELECTIONS IN PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY. SAYS ELECTION RESULTS WOULDN'T BE FAIR BECAUSE POLLS INDICATE MAJORITY OF VOTERS WOULD THROW ARAFAT OUT OF OFFICE BEFORE ELECTION COULD BE PROPERLY RIGGED IN HIS FAVOR.
A beaming Yasser Arafat tells reporters he is pleased with the European Union's support for his decision to postpone elections in the Palestinian Authority until he has time to properly rig the results
"An unrigged election just isn't a true Palestinian election," claimed Yasser Arafat at a hastily-arranged press conference held at his temporary headquarters in a Rumullah butcher shop. "Just give me some more time, and I guarantee you an election which will produce the results the people really want, though they don't quite know it yet."
"A few visits to dissident voters by my personal security guards here and a smashed window or two there, and we'll have the perfect Palestinian election," enthused the current Palestinian leader. "Just give me a bit of time to get all the details thrashed out, if you know what I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)."
FRENCH COURT FINES CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY ON AESTHETIC GROUNDS. CLAIMS ANY CHURCH THAT BOASTS TOM CRUISE AND JOHN TRAVOLTA AS CHURCH MEMBERS, BUT NOT JERRY LEWIS, MUST BE FLAWED.
JUDGES RULE THAT JERRY LEWIS IS A GREATER TALENT THAN EITHER CRUISE OR TRAVOLTA -- ESPECIALLY WHEN DOING PRATFALLS.
French court disappointed that comedian Jerry Lewis (pictured above) is not a scientologist, even though other American film stars such as Tom Cruise and John Travolta have joined Church of Scientology
"I laughed so hard at Jerry Lewis antics in the original version of The Nutty Professor," opined French Chief Justice Judge Herman Vichylives, "I thought I'd plutz. The man is a cultural icon who would honor any religion by his presence! What kind of religion is it that would have Tom Cruise and John Travolta as church members, but not the great Jerry Lewis?"
MISTAKE-PRONE ANDREW CUOMO CAUSES NEW FUROR BY ATTACKING HIMSELF FOR STUPIDITY AND ASKING HIMSELF TO LEAVE POLITICS IMMEDIATELY.
Andrew Cuomo (pictured above) is said to be recovering from serious case of foot-in-mouth disease.
Several weeks ago, New York state Democratic gubernatorial aspirant Andrew Cuomo provoked a storm of criticism around the state by charging that former Mayor Rudy Giuliani was the true hero of Sept. 11th, while Republican governor Pataki was left "holding the leader's coat." Then only a few days ago, he made the error of angrily demanding the resignation of state Health Commissioner Antonia Novello, a popular figure in the state's Democratic-leaning hispanic community, for mistakes Novello made as health commissioner.
Yesterday, Cuomo caused a further stir in Democratic circles after he denounced "the stupid idiot who tried to use events surrounding the September 11th tragedy for political gain, and then attacked a prominent member of the hispanic community for pure partisan purposes."
"Anyone that dumb should leave politics immediately and save the Democratic party a lot of grief," intoned the aroused politico, until he was informed that the stupid idiot was himself.
"Oh dear," muttered the embarrassed ex Clinton cabinet official. "I goofed again. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes."
Governor Pataki was spotted in Albany with a big grin on his face.
SECRET SERVICE ADMIT THEY'VE LOST DICK CHENEY. THOUGHT THEY LEFT HIM AT ONE OF MANY SAFE HOUSES AROUND THE COUNTRY, BUT NOW AGENTS CAN'T FIND HIM. WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES THAT DICK CHENEY "HAS TEMPORARILY BEEN MISPLACED".
PHOTOS OF THE LOST VICE-PRESIDENT EXPECTED TO APPEAR ON MILK CARTONS NEXT WEEK. DISTRAUGHT CHENEY FAMILY HAVE POSTED INNUMERABLE "LOST -- LOVEABLE VICE-PRESIDENT!" SIGNS AROUND D.C. AND VIRGINIA AREAS.
Police comb D.C. area in house-to-house search for lost American vice president
"This is a sad day in the long, proud history of the U.S. Secret Service," admitted Peter Parker, communications officer for the agency and no relation to Spider-Man. "We've never lost a Vice-President before, and we're confident that he's only been misplaced temporarily."
Mr. Parker told reporters that the agency believes a comprehensive search of agency computer records for the past two weeks will turn up the locale of the missing V.P. Further, he noted, "we're confident that if somehow Mr. Cheney wandered away from the safe house assigned to him, some kind family in the neighborhood will take him in and give him a good home until we can track him down."
Parker appealed to anyone who has spotted the missing Vice-President, or has mistakenly adopted him, to call the White House immediately. He said the Vice-President is used to leafing through White House briefing papers on a daily basis, and could be suffering withdrawal symptoms from "being left out of the loop" for such a long period.
SAYING SHE CRAVES MORE PRIVACY, FRIENDS STAR JENNIFER ANISTON SUES TWO BRITISH MAGAZINES FOR PUBLISHING PAPARAZZI PICTURES TAKEN OF HER SUNBATHING TOPLESS IN HER BACK YARD.
ANISTON SAYS SHE FELL FOR PAPARAZZIS' STORY THAT THEY WERE NATURE PHOTOGRAPHERS FROM NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE TAKING PICTURES OF LOCAL WILDLIFE. NEVER OCCURRED TO HER THAT SHE WAS THE WILDLIFE.
Friends star Jennifer Aniston waves to crowds at suburban L.A. shopping mall where for a small six-figure fee, she and husband Brad Pitt attended the grand opening of Sal's Car Wash
"All I want is some privacy in my life," complained Friends star Jennifer Aniston while promoting her latest film, clad in a skimpy halter top and tight-fitting jeans. "I'm tired of the whole Hollywood celebrity trip. It's empty and superficial and...if you're going to take photos, just let me give my hair a quick comb through, put on some mascara, and lower this halter top a bit.....where was I?...Oh yeah, this whole celebrity thing is just getting out of hand...please, don't get get so close, I'm not used to, well, ordinary people being so close to me....Uh, as I was saying, I'm a very creative person; and from now on, I just want to dedicate myself to my art and not let the demands of stardom get in the -- I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET SO CLOSE TO ME! I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN ORDINARY PEOPLE GET SO CLOSE TO ME! THAT'S IT. THIS INTERVIEW IS TERMINATED! TAKE ME TO THE LIMOUSINE, BRAD!"