TOP SATIRICAL HEADLINES -- APRIL 15, 2002

ICONOCLAST.ca ^ | April 15, 2002 | The Iconoclast

[Apolitical]

---

SAUDI TELETHON RAISES MORE THAN $100 MILLION FOR PALESTINIANS. EMOTIONAL VIEWERS RESPOND TO READINGS FROM 'PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ZION' AND ONE-HOUR ADOLPH HITLER VIDEO TRIBUTE.

EMOTIONAL TELETHON M.C. DRAWS CHEERS FROM STUDIO AUDIENCE AFTER CHARGING THAT LAURA BUSH'S GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS JEWISH. DESCRIBES U.S. AS NOTHING BUT A CORRUPT, ROTTING MORAL CESSPOOL AND CALLS DICK CHANEY A BALD-HEADED ZIONIST-LOVING SCUMBAG. HOWEVER, ASKS TV AUDIENCE NOT TO MENTION WHAT HE SAID, SO WESTERN PRESS WON'T GET WIND OF HIS COMMENTS.

"It's the most successful telethon that Saudi TV has ever had," enthused Minister of Communications, Filthy Anti-Semitic Slurs & Official Lies To The Western Media, Ahamad Ahamad. "At first, we were hoping to get Jerry Lewis to M.C. the telethon, but then we found out he was Jewish, so that idea was kayboshed pretty quickly."

Mr. Ahamed confessed that the Saudi government had not decided what to do with all the bomb-making equipment, grenades, uzis and knives donated by over-enthusiastic Palestinian emigres residing in Mecca. "The I.R.A. has been in touch with us and said they could make use of all these armaments," confided the embarrassed cabinet minister. "But there are a few neo-nazi groups in America who are more favored by the royal family. The final determination will have to be made by Prince Abdulluh in the future".......

---

WALL STREET CORRUPTION PROBE WIDENS. MORE FIRMS SUBPOENAED IN PROBE OF POSSIBLY TAINTED STOCK RECOMMENDATIONS.

EVEN MORE SUBPOENAS EXPECTED LATER, SINCE PROSECUTORS RAN OUT OF ROOM ON SUBPOENA LIST TO ADD NAMES OF ALL 'TAINTED' STOCK ANALYSTS -- NAMELY EVERY STOCK ANALYST CURRENTLY WORKING IN THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA.

"THIS INVESTIGATION IS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE," CONFESSED LEAD PROSECUTOR MARION KIND. "IF YOU INCLUDE ALL THE LAME 'BUY' RECOMMENDATIONS OF THE LAST THREE YEARS THAT WERE BASED ON SECURING LUCRATIVE UNDERWRITING FEES FROM THE COMPANIES BEING ASSESSED, THEN YOU END UP WITH A POTENTIAL FELONS LIST LARGER THAN THE NEW YORK CITY PHONE BOOK. THESE FIRMS CHURNED OUT QUESTIONABLE BUY RECOMMENDATIONS THE WAY BILL CLINTON TOLD LIES WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT. THEY HAD NO SHAME. THEY NEVER LET UP ON THEIR QUESTIONABLE BEHAVIOR NO MATTER HOW MANY INVESTORS GOT HURT. AND THEY CAN'T SEEM TO STOP."

Paul Pitifall, the head of the Association of Unethical American Stock Brokers, disputed the charges. "This an outrage," charged the former Enron executive turned Brokers Association spokesperson. "Stock analysts are some of the brightest, most honest individuals on the take you could find in America today. Sure, until now, they've known that they could lose their jobs if they found fault with any company which floated a stock offering with their brokerage firm, or might float a stock offering in the future, or who had sent a nice Christmas card to their boss, or had a neat company logo.

"But that doesn't for an iota mean that they would compromise their integrity by deceiving investors with misleading, positive reports on any major company listed on the U.S. stock exchanges. Stock analysts have standards. They would only compromise their integrity by deceiving investors with misleading, positive reports on companies that looked like they had sufficient assets to throw some new business their brokerage firm's way in the immediate future."....

---

GEORGIA REP. CYNTHIA MCKINNEY -- WHO SPARKED A STORM OF CONTROVERSY BY CHARGING THAT MAYOR GIULIANI WAS WRONG TO REFUSE A SAUDI PRINCE'S CONTRIBUTION TO A 9/11 FUND -- IS NOW SUGGESTING THAT PRESIDENT BUSH KNEW ABOUT THE 9/11 ATTACKS IN ADVANCE. SAYS THAT DESPITE BEING PRE-WARNED, BUSH DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE HIS RICH FRIENDS STOOD TO PROFIT FROM THE SUBSEQUENT MILITARY BUILD-UP.

THE OUTSPOKEN DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSWOMAN ALSO CHARGES THAT RICH PEOPLE WERE BEHIND CHURCH BURNINGS IN THE SOUTH -- THEIR CONSTRUCTION COMPANIES BENEFITED FROM SALVAGE AND REBUILDING EFFORTS -- AND RICH PEOPLE HAVE ALSO BEEN BEHIND THE SPREAD OF THE COMMON COLD VIRUS (THEY OWN SHARES IN PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES CHURNING OUT COUGH AND COLD REMEDIES).

"Rich people are the scourge of the earth," Rep. McKinney told reporters gathered in the palatial living-room area of her deluxe Four Seasons hotel suite, paid for by funds from the congressional travel budget. "You name the social ill, whether it's poverty, traffic congestion or smelly sewers," she continued. "Rich people are behind it, because they live to profit from the ills of the poor in our society."

When asked to define what she meant by rich, she said anyone -- other than a dedicated black congresswoman -- earning more than $35,000 a year. "Karl Marx had the right idea," she commented. "The rich should all be thrown in concentration camps...or was that Adolph Hitler? Never mind. They're all supporting that bumbling bozo, George W. Bush. And that's enough proof for me of a new Republican conspiracy afoot to undermine the existence of poor people everywhere in America".......

---

COLIN POWELL CONFIRMS HE WILL MEET WITH YASSER ARAFAT. DENIES THAT ARAFAT IS A TERRORIST OR TERRORISM SPONSOR. SAYS THAT ARAFAT JUST LIKES TO DABBLE A BIT IN THE EXPLOSIVES BUSINESS. AND LIKE ANY ARAB, ARAFAT SOMETIMES GET CARRIED AWAY IN HIS SPEECHES AND EXAGGERATES A LITTLE IN HIS THREATS TO "KILL ALL THE JEWS"

"No-one has been more dedicated to the peace process in the Middle East for so many years than Yasser Arafat," commented the American secretary of state. "I'm not sure why all the different ceasefires and peace agreements that Chairman Arafat signed over those many years unravelled so quickly after the occasional rogue Palestinian terrorist or two, well, maybe make that two or three hundred terrorists, violated the peace agreements. But I guess the Chairman had the bad luck of dealing with more military-minded negotiators on the Israeli side like former Israeli army chief-of-staff and Prime Minister Ehud Barak."

---

NATION OF ISLAM LEADER LOUIS FARRAKHAN TO VISIT THE MIDDLE EAST 'TO RESOLVE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ISRAELIS AND MUSLIMS'. WHILE ON HIS TRIP, THE CHARISMATIC MINISTER ALSO INTENDS TO CURE WORLD HUNGER, ERADICATE POVERTY AND WRITE A WINNER SITCOM FOR EX-SEINFELD STARS.

SAYS HE HAS ADVANTAGE IN DEALING WITH MUSLIMS IN HIS MIDDLE EAST NEGOTIATIONS SINCE HE'S BEEN A RABID ANTI-SEMITE FOR YEARS. BELIEVES HE WILL ALSO WRITE THE FINEST POST-SEINFELD SITCOM YET BECAUSE HE IS CONSTANTLY SAYING THINGS EVEN STUPIDER THAN WHAT KRAMER SAYS ON SEINFELD (INCLUDING HIS STATED INTENTION TO RESOLVE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ISRAELIS AND MUSLIMS).

"If anyone can ably represent the oppressed Palestinian people in their negotiations with the repressive, greedy Jewish store owners in the Middle East, it's Louis Farrakhan," the outspoken Muslim black activist told reporters. "Those Jews are always trying to put one over on you, like giving you the wrong change, watering down the vodka they sell you, or accusing innocent Palestinians teens of shoplifting when they're just browsing."
As part of his peace mission, Farrakhan will first present a million-signature petition of support for Yasser Arafat from the New York City black community, before flying to Mecca to hold talks with Mecca chapter of The Grand Council of Wahhabi Clergy Against Murderous Matzoh-eating Jewish Infidels.

"Sure a lot of the signatures on that petition are forged," admitted the earnest Nation of Islam leader. "And maybe three-hundred thousand individuals purportedly signing the declaration are actually dead. But otherwise, the beleaguered black brothers of the United Slaves of America are 100% behind their oppressed Palestinian brethren, well maybe 37% if you include all the blacks who don't belong to the Nation of Islam, but who's counting -- this is really just a question of basic morality!"

Reverend Farrakhan will return to United States next week to attend a fundraising benefit for potential 2004 presidential nominee Al Sharpton and to have dinner with Senator Joseph Lieberman..........

---

NEWS OF 'BAYWATCH REUNION' TV SPECIAL SURFACES. TWO-HOUR FOX MOVIE WILL STAR DAVID HASSELHOFF AND PAMELA ANDERSON'S BREASTS.

"It's basically just kind of an opportunity to get together everybody on the show who still looks good in a skimpy bathing suit and have some fun here in Hawaii," says star David Hasselhoff. Hasselhoff, who will produce the reunion, says filming begins on July 8th, and will feature "as much jiggle as we can come up with for immature male Fox viewers. The plot-line is going to center on a gorgeous female Baywatch recruit who can't fit into a standard lifeguard swimsuit because of her big breasts and the wrenching decision she must make on whether to have breast-reduction surgery or continue to be a really popular party animal in local bars. I think Fox viewers who enjoyed Celebrity Boxing will love this movie. And if we can, we're going to get Tonya Harding to do a walk-on part in a skimpy bikini and boxing gloves, to kind of spice things up!"

---

BILL CLINTON TO STAR IN UPCOMING EPISODE OF 'WEST WING'. WILL PLAY PART OF LYING, PHILANDERING, SELF-ABSORBED DEMOCRATIC POLITICIAN. SAYS ROLE WILL BE A STRETCH, BUT THINKS HE CAN PULL IT OFF.

"You see. I'm lying through my teeth right now and you suckers believed me," Bill Clinton laughingly told entertainment reporters at a well-attended 'West Wing' promotional event at a L.A. strip club. "Now that's good acting. I knew all the time that the role I'm playing is really a composite representation of my career; but I fooled you guys into thinking I didn't have a clue of how close it comes to my life story -- except, let me tell you guys, I got a lot more action in real life than this character."

The affable ex-President said he will donate the three-million dollars he received for his guest stint on 'West Wing' to his favorite charity, 'Lesbian Mothers Against Drunk Republican Drivers'. "These gals do a fine job of discrediting drunk Republicans everywhere," commented Mr. Clinton. "And I want to commend Ellen DeGeneres in particular for her fine work on behalf of the victims of these irresponsible Republican fat cats who pay no taxes on their riches, and sit around and drink all day, and plot how to run down poor people. The woman is a saint, and pretty hot stuff in the sack Anne Heche tells me--What's that, Alan? Oh yes, I've gotta run. I've got a legacy to take care of ".......

---

PENTAGON PLAYS DOWN REPORTS OF BIN LADEN SIGHTINGS. SAYS SIGHTINGS OF TALL, HAIRY ARABS IN SUBURBAN SHOPPING MALLS A COMMON OCCURRENCE. BUT IN MOST CASES, USUALLY TURN OUT TO BE BEARDED HASSIDIC JEWISH BASKETBALL PLAYERS.

ALSO DENY RUMOUR THAT BIN LADEN ATTENDED THE ACADEMY AWARDS AS MEG RYAN'S DATE. STILL CLASSIFY BIN LADEN AS MISSING IN ACTION, ALONG WITH GWYNETH PALTROW'S BREASTS.

"Rumors that Bin Laden has been spotted hanging out in Miami Beach gay bars, that he obtained a visa under the name of Bernie Bin Laden and is now running the U.S. immigration service, or that he has been adopted by Rosie O'Donnell, are all patently false," claimed a Pentagon spokesperson. "The truth is that Osama Bin Laden has completely disappeared, and it is likely that the only thing that would convince him to go public again would be an interview with Barbara Walters on 20/20".......

---

MORE THAN 100 LEFT-WING EUROPEAN ACTIVISTS, INCLUDING PROMINENT FRENCH ANTI-GLOBALIZATION ACTIVIST, ARRIVE IN WEST BANK TOWN OF RAMALLAH IN SHOW OF SUPPORT FOR OPPRESSED PALESTINIAN PEOPLE. SAY THEY WILL ACT AS HUMAN SHIELDS AGAINST ISRAELI TANKS AND TROOPS, UNLESS ISRAELIS CHOOSE TO USE REAL BULLETS, IN WHICH CASE THEY WILL HIDE.

"It's just like the hated Israelis to despoil the pristine environment of the West Bank with exploded tank shells and bullet casings," exclaimed Europe's leading environmentalist crusader and political philosopher, Ferdinand Foucault. "The world weeps for the egalitarian paradise that has been lost here because of Israeli aggression. And we will remain here, chained to Yasser Arafat's wife, until Israel agrees to permanently withdraw its forces from Palestinian territory, or until Israeli soldiers brandishing guns ask us to leave. Either way, this is a heroic gesture by the cream of European intellectualdom to signify their enduring solidarity with the beleaguered Palestinian people, and we will not be moved, unless of course we are threatened in any way and then we're getting out of here -- as fast as we can!"

Jose Mopes, the celebrated French anti-globalism activist and author of The Protocols of the Globalists of Zion', told reporters: "The Israeli assaults on the offices of Chairman Arafat are a direct result of the evils of globalization. These unprovoked assaults have been mandated by the evil, corporate global oligarchy that runs the world and strives to oppress little people everywhere... By the way, did you ever meet Yasser Arafat in person? He really is little! He looks like an Arabic lawn ornament. But his wife is a good looker, isn't she...And so I pledge to anti-globalization supporters all over the world that we will remain chained to the Chairman's wife until justice is finally done here and the forces of American-inspired imperialistic greed are defeated, or until guys with yarmakes and automatic weapons come on the scene, at which point we're getting out of here and flying back to Europe"..........

[Apolitical]

Headline news as it should be...