Posted on 03/13/2002 7:39:23 PM PST by JulieRNR21
I spent about eight years residing on the southern Gulf Coast, marking the passage of time via encephalitis warnings, busted love affairs, migrations of poorly-dressed tourists and ample doses of rum. Don't get me wrong. I actually had some pretty good times in the Sunshine State. After all, I was there during the Reagan years. It was hard to stay depressed for very long when The Gipper was running the country, and harder yet considering that my primary diet consisted of shrimp, stone crabs, grouper sandwiches and a bottomless mug of Captain Morgan's.
Florida can be a pretty weird place, and "weird" is highly amusing. You have to hold a modicum of respect for a land loaded to the gills with reptile farms, alligator wrestlers, beach bums, drug runners, tacky condo projects, scads of double centenarians (all with valid driver's licenses), heinous serial killers and what may well be the nation's most corrupt politicians.
Speaking of the latter two categories, former US Attorney General (and full time reptilian monstrosity) Janet Reno is running for governor of Florida. To grasp the magnitude of this event, think of Godzilla throwing his hat in the ring for the Tokyo mayoral race. Think of Dracula seeking the nod to head the Red Cross. Think of Rosey O'Donnell lobbying to be the cover girl for the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
Are you reaching for the Pepto yet? Don't bother. I suspect O'Donnell has a better chance of posing in the immense gownless evening strap she recently purchased at Barnum and Bailey's Secret than Reno has of moving to Tallahassee. As bizarro as Florida may be, I simply can't wrap my puny little mind around the concept of anyone voting for an unidentified species whose lead campaign promise is "a horribly deformed and grossly mutated genetic experiment run amok in every pot."
You may be wondering why I am wasting my time abusing Renosaurus. In a normal world, I should have endeavored to put her out of my mind the second she lost her job as First Flesh-Eating Alien. If I think of Reno at all, it should be only in terms of tossing some rotten chicken into her stagnant pool, torn between utter amazement and soul-numbing fear as her algae-covered fangs break the surface and her thorny tail swishes from side to side. Reno should have done our country (and collective optic nerves) a favor and simply faded from the public view, slunk back to the primordial ooze for some quality time with her egg-laying, cold-blooded kindred.
But no...she had to go and give that speech. She had to attempt to re-write history and show us her sensitive, caring side. She is compelled to hiss with malevolent gusto, shake those rattles one last time.
In her talk at Old Dominion University, Reno criticized the war effort. She insinuated she wasn't privy to all the inside information, which is an indication of sheer insanity on her part. Why would she be informed? I mean, our secrets and strategy would be about as safe in Tricera-Reno's poison-tipped talons as are the cuddly, pink-eyed bunnies she keeps around for a mid-day snack. I have to wonder if maybe Janet didn't suffer a stroke the last time she was straining to hatch some Kimodo Dragons.
The webbed-footed one also complained that people were being arrested and held without adequate proof. She was, of course, referring to the terrorists currently incarcerated in Guantanamo because they actively sought the slow, agonizing death of every citizen in this country. Such is not grounds for imprisonment in Janet's world. Oh no, jail and execution are only appropriate if you disagree with her philosophical outlook.
You'd think, based on past history and actions, Reno-Gator would be in favor of locking up and torturing most every human she met. I mean, she didn't hesitate to ship Elian Gonzalez to Cuba, at gunpoint, after his mother had died in an attempt to bring him to this country. She didn't have any qualms about flame-broiling 80 plus civilians in Waco without benefit of arrest, trial or sentence recommendation. Forget that there has never been any evidence whatsoever that the Davidians engaged in the drug manufacture, child abuse, or automatic weapons sales which Reno implied (and the press played along with sans investigation) at the time.
"They (the folks she murdered at Waco) will always be with me," said Reno, going on to elaborate that she was sure Davidian leader David Koresh would have staged "his own personal Armageddon no matter how the government acted during the siege."
Geee...how lucky for the hapless human torches inside the compound that Janet butchered them first. What a humanitarian. This is the same woman (I use the term loosely) who told us she accepted "responsibility" for the Waco atrocity. Funny, I was always under the impression that "responsibility" entailed consequences.
I predict Tyrannosaurus Reno will suffer the worst defeat ever witnessed in a gubernatorial election. But, delusional to the end, the scale-shedding Hell vixen ended her speech by selflessly stating "you can't just stand by; you have to try and make a difference." Then, after catching a fly with her whip-like tongue, she spat a 40 foot slime trail and slithered off the stage.
Frankly, I think Janet's had a bad attitude ever since being dumped by the Creature From The Black Lagoon.
You'd think, based on past history and actions, Reno-Gator would be in favor of locking up and torturing most every human she met. I mean, she didn't hesitate to ship Elian Gonzalez to Cuba, at gunpoint, after his mother had died in an attempt to bring him to this country. She didn't have any qualms about flame-broiling 80 plus civilians in Waco without benefit of arrest, trial or sentence recommendation. Forget that there has never been any evidence whatsoever that the Davidians engaged in the drug manufacture, child abuse, or automatic weapons sales which Reno implied (and the press played along with sans investigation) at the time.
That's exactly right!
Great article, Julie. Thanks for posting.
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