Airport Screener Test

To ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people.
They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from Ballard;
(b) Elvis;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists screeching that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2;"
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train thing; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wee Willie's women problems;
(c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless;" or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny,
(b) the Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election;
(c) Mr. Bean; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

How'd you do? Did you detect a pattern that would indicate we'd better take a close look at a certain type of individual who might be boarding an airplane with something on his mind other than "What's the in-flight movie?"

Horrors! You're nothing more than a closet racist who could never be hired as an official federal airport screener.

A talk radio host on 700AM KSEV in Houston told a story about how he was passing through the airport recently (LA? Chicago?) and observed security scanning some elderly man. The screeners were dressed in Middle Eastern garb and I don't recall his discription of the man, but Popeye's father Pappy wouldn't be too far off.

The host thought that this was a humorous situation (he wanted to be able to show it to people back home when he relayed the story). He took out his camera and snapped a picture.

The screeners promptly called security guards over on walkie talkies.
"Step aside, sir. Did you just take a picture."
"Why, yes I did just take a picture."
"You can't take a picture in here, this is a secure area."
"There's no sign that says I can't take a picture."
"You should have known that you can't take photos in here. Can I see some ID?"
He pulls out his Texas drivers' license and remembers that he has his license to carry a concealed weapon photo ID behind it; he knows that this is going to get "good".

The security guard looks at the photo on the license. He notices the other photo ID and asks to see it. When he sees that it is a license to carry he asks, "Do you have a firearm on you right now?"
"No. I carry that, as I am required to by law, behind my Texas drivers' license. I do not get to carry a gun on my person out of state with this card but I can carry one in Texas."

More blustering and frustration from the security guard, who kept an eye on him and held him from boarding the plane until the flight was about to leave.

Are you feeling safer yet?

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