Posted on 02/10/2002 2:23:45 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
As time goes by, the greatest block to happiness and productivity is regret. I could have done something more, something else, something differently, something better for Greg .... but ultimately, though I am still here, I am frail as any other mortal, too, and must look forward, not backward. Inward I find weakness - heavenward I find strength.
I trust that God has taken care of all the past as far as Greg is concerned. Peace is His gift to me, but sometimes I reject it to hang on to the familiar memories, which bring on regrets. My obligations now lie ahead. To rework the past in my head and heart is faithless - I must leave it all with God and walk on in faith that His Love covers me, and His protection will keep me and our sons safe from the enemy - the enemy is the one who sends the regrets.
My advice is Accept the Peace.... especially if it passeth all understanding Do you feel you have something yet to do, something should have been different, someone owes you something .... look carefully at the source of those troubling feelings. Do they come from Heaven? Are they standing on faith? Do you feel solid or shaky when you cling to them? Do they feed your fears? If so, then set them at the foot of the Cross and walk away - do not return to claim them again. Trust God with the big job of keeping your loved one, and trust Him also with the jobs of bringing peace to you and revealing the relevant truth in His time.
The reply is, you won't for a long time, and then maybe even never, completely. As we grow older life becomes an accumulation of grief over people we lose and will never see again.
That's just the way it is, and there is no easy way out of it.
I was dating again in 4 months just out of loneliness. Two months after that I was remarried though neither of us intended to move that fast. Event's happened beyond our control and decessions had to be made quickly. GOD almost took my second new found love as well on a date. She went into quadriplegia while on a date and was dying going to the hospital. She made it through with a prognoses of quadriplegia from then an unknown reason later to be called Polio Relapse. We married after she was in the hospital for two months with four more months of hospitialization to go. She was the mother of two girls 12 & 14 at that time so I also became a stepfather to them. In short all odds were against us.
Now nearly 17 years later I can see answers to the why's and the blessings that came from tragedy in several persons lives. We have a good marriage as do our kids, we have grandkids, and despite her and my own disabilities we also have a co-dependence we did not have with our first spouses. Like I said it's different. Keep your eye's, ears, and heart, open to what may be the best yet to be. Don't worry the one you lost will allways be in your heart. Your purpose is to continue on here on earth. But sometimes the initial pain can be overwhelming. Just pray and let things happen as they do. Maybe not the best advice you'll hear but it worked for me and I would not trade places with anyone adversities and all.
Time and acceptance are the only two things that can provide relief from the unbearable pain. But you can delay that pain by doing other things that steal your focus until you are able to deal with it.
Those who have lost loved ones will tell you that at first some people may have to try to get through second by second. Then comes minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day week by week, month by month and year by year. You can gauge where you're at by how often the pain of your loss focusses your full attention on it.
Some people have a very hard time accepting what has taken place. Coming to terms with that loss is very important. Accept that God knows what is best. Accept that you may be angry over this. Don't ask too much of yourself.
Get involved with helping others. Do something that will make a difference in someone else's life. You must get your focus off your weakness. You will deal with this problem over time. You don't have to do it this minute, and in fact couldn't even if you tried.
You have a lot of people on FreeRepublic who share your grief. They wish you well and extend their love to you. Email them. Develop new friends and talk to them about something. What are your interests? Find those who share your interests or develop ones that they exhibit.
Do whatever it takes to take your mind off this loss. See a movie. See five movies. Go out to eat. Join a club. Join four clubs. Develop new friends. Do things with them. Volunteer at your local hospital. Volunteer at other places. Then strike up a relationship with the other volunteers. Please note that these are friends. Don't try to strike up a new "relationship" immediately. Your judgment will be compromised right now, so it's better if you just push for friendships. You will need to talk about other topics than your loss. Develop new interests that you can talk about with these people.
It may not seem like it now, but you'll get through this and lead a very happy life when you've come to terms with this loss. Nobody should seek to minimize your loss. What you have lost was very important to you. Don't be afraid to grieve. But don't let your grieving betray what you had with your husband. He would not want to see you live in agony. Determine to do something special in memory of him. It doesn't matter what it is, even if it's just to live the happy life he would want you to, do it.
You can do this. If all else fails get angry as hell and scream, "I can do this!" until you're too tired to do anything else. Then accept that you can and will.
Don't be surprised when people say incredibly insensitive things to you. Nod your head and realize that you are way above their mental station in life. Take that as reassurance that you are a wonderful and insightful person. Don't blame them for being unable to comprehend their own ignorance.
God will be with you every step of the way. Whatever you do, he always will be. His Holy Spirit has been a part of your life from the beginning. That hasn't stopped. And His angels are right beside you. Talk to them. They will comfort you. Talk to Jesus. He is listening. And he is talking. Be still and listen to what He has to say. You will recognize His comforting thoughts and words of encouragement as they come to you.
One more note: I have not experienced the loss of my dear hubby. But Mrs. Chief - (and others who have posted here already - with so many good posts) have!
I did lose my beloved mother - and talked about getting through that - and any loss of a loved ones is difficult to get through so all postings about how people "survive" such an experience are welcome.
But I specifically started this thread for Mrs. Chief - so please direct any words of comfort, help, encouragement, instruction, or specific experiences you had - both good and not good - while going through the loss of a spouse (or a child or other loved one) to her - These kinds of "helps" are what I was seeking and are very much appropriate and appreciated.
As so many have said - the pain losing a loved one is not something you can just breeze through - for most people. It is very very tough. And very very real. But people do survive and go on to live even with joy again.
Any helps along that road are welcome.
God bless and keep and nourish and help all who have experinced such losses - your words are so very important. I may not be able to reply to each of you - for Mrs. Chief - but I appreciate them and know that she does as well.
Yes, how right you are - "And know for a certainty that the only way we get through loss is through grief".
How does one grieve - can a place like this help or is it a hindrance - what other "places" can one go to grieve - and not be so alone? thank you!
I agree with the statement no one can know what it is like until you have experienced that loss- a spouse, a child, a parent, no one can know what it feels like from hearing about it from another.
Getting a couple of books on the subject. Several women have written books on widowhood. Many churches also have widow support groups.
God bless you as you walk through this.
This idea is good: "Getting a couple of books on the subject. Several women have written books on widowhood. Many churches also have widow support groups. "
Did any specific books help you with the loss of your child? Or any specific church or ministry or Bible verses? Thanks.
And the tattoo idea is, well, another new one on me - but not a bad one!...depending on your inklings....:-)
I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.
Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of shade?
Oh! but God's love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.
And He came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with God's arm to lean on
Could I have one doubt or dread?
Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still:
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
Pray to trust our Father's Will
There is work still waiting for you,
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth-
You shall rest in God's land.
When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you Home:
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!
A friend sent this to me when my father died. It was of great comfort to me , may it be to you as well. God bless and keep you through this sad time. You will be in my prayers.
Glib statements - of wellmeaning friends - just don't cut it, do they? Words really are a loss at a time like this. But maybe accumulated "airing out" of the experiences of others will help Mrs. Chief and anyone else going through a time of deep loss.
I am glad to read that you made it through that time - even though you still remember your child every day. Thanks again and God bless!
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