Military humor-- for leathernecks only...

email ^ | 01.22.02 | a devildog, obviously

[maxwell]

Former Marine buddy sent me these... Thought (some of) y'all would get a kick out of 'em... HOO-RAH!

U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.

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U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see will result in a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...err...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

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U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.

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U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.

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[Destructor]

My version:

Army grunt, loaded with weapon and ruck, standing in a pouring rain: THIS SUCKS!

Airborne, same situation: THIS SUCKS, BUT I LOVE IT!

Ranger, in even a worse downpour: SURE WISH IT WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE!

Army aviator, looking down from his helicopter: SURE LOOKS LIKE IT SUCKS DOWN THERE.

That's pretty much how I remember it!

[Boonie Rat]

Army Sergeant sitting in a bar. Turns to the guy next to him and says "Want to hear a Marine joke?" Guy next to him says "See that guy on the other side of you?" "He's 6'6", weighs 245". "The guy next to him is 6'7" and weighs 250." "I'm 6'5 and weigh 248, and we're all Marines." "Do you still want to tell your joke? The Army guy says, "Nah. I don't want to repeat it three times"

Was proud to serve with many great Marines and Airmen while in Phu Bai

Boonie Rat

MACV SOCOM, PhuBai/Hue '65-'66

[Alas]

bump to you guys, don't forget to tuck in your ties.

[stuartcr]

13 button flap on the front of enlisted navy blues...jarhead tablecloth.

[RangerVetNam]

This is a great post and great replies, thanks for bringing some fun into my day.

[Junior]

Re: Navy

Everything, just about is absolutely true, especially this line:

I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

--Junior (a boot chief, but still a chief!)

[LonePalm]

I always loved this one. There is much truth here.

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire & amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LoanPalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)

[Tennessee_Bob]

Ten years enlisted in the Air Force as a jet engine mechanic. No easy chairs, no air-conditioning, and no complaints. Sounds like it sucked for the rest of you guys.

We used to like to sit in the chow hall and watch the Marine Air Wing work their way through the line. You'd think they'd never seen silverware, tables for four, and individual seats before.

[Salgak]

Well, there's the Corporate USAF, and then there was that small percentage of us who actually got to stick our ya-yas out in a combat zone. You know, Fighter pukes, Bomber Crewdawgs, ROMADs and other FACS, RED HORSE CE troops. But we, alas, weren't the "Real Air Force"

(I'll note that I spent 1 2-year period having worn a dress uniform exactly once, for my file-jacket photo, and Mess Dress twice, for the Squadron Dining-in. The rest of the time, it was living in the green bag, flying B-52s. . .)

[Sparkvark]

I was in the USAF for 4 years and I'll be the first to admit that our PT wasn't too demanding. Thought our uniforms looked like something a bus driver would wear too, LOL.

2 of my sisters are serving in the military now, one is in the Navy and the other in the Air Force. The one that is in the Navy is always carping about how easy the other one has it in the AF.

Here's one for you jar heads:

Why does the Navy always insist on having Marines aboard ship?

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Sheep would be to obvious! LOL

[THROW?]

So you are saying you were a worthless drain on the taxpayers. Oh, ok.

[MoralSense]

Now, that's a good one!

Understand the Navy aviators have a sign up in their squadroom on various carriers: "Remember who the real enemy is: The Air Force."

[stylin19a]

not sure what it's like today, but a Marine with a tie tucked, was not a good thing.

True story - I'm on the plane going to MCRD San Diego and got to talking with the guy next to me. I got drafted, and I asked him how he got in the Marines, the guy says "Well, the JUDGE said.....". The real funny part is, the guy on the other side of me said the same thing. It seems, back then, joining the USMC was an alternative to jail.

Semper Fi.

[cuz_it_aint_their_money]

Think I got this from another FReeper post about 8 months ago, tried to find the thread, with no luck, so here it is again, enjoy.

SERIOUS SEA DUTY

The following tale is from the history of the oldest commissioned war ship in the world, the USS Constitution. It comes by way of the National Park Service, as printed in "Oceanographic Ships, Fore and Aft", a periodical from the oceanographer of the US Navy.

On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: to destroy and harass English shipping.

On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum.

By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no whiskey and no wine. She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water.

The math is quite enlightening:
Length of cruise: 181 days
Booze consumption: 163,000 gallons or roughly 900 gallons per day, or 1.9 gallons per man per day.
(NOTE: this does NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).

Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.

[Tennessee_Bob]

So you are saying you were a worthless drain on the taxpayers

Umm...yeah. I guess so. Was that because I didn't have air-conditioning, or because I didn't have an easy chair? Or was it because I ate in the chow hall?

[maxwell]

Question: How is a Marine like a Banana? Answer: He starts out green, turns yellow with age, and dies with the rest of the bunch!

Hey now hey now... Suffering from penis envy, are we?

[maxwell]

I mean "SIR!"

[maxwell]

MARINE sgt. yells at one of his: "Private, stick your D$ck in this fire for 5 minutes". Private yells back "Get stuffed, Sarge !" MARINE Sgt. says "Gentlemen, THAT is guts "!

LMAO!!! That is going on the email lists...

[THROW?]

I took the suck for you guys part as bing a smarta$$. I get a little "triggerhappy" when people diss the militray, especially the people that go on missions that they death rate is extremely high. That is what I thought you were doing. Sorry about that.

[maxwell]

Marine joke

Hahahaaaaa... I heard that one with blondes...