Military humor-- for leathernecks only...

email ^ | 01.22.02 | a devildog, obviously

[maxwell]

Former Marine buddy sent me these... Thought (some of) y'all would get a kick out of 'em... HOO-RAH!

U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.

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U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see will result in a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...err...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

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U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.

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U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.

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[maxwell]

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh!t!"
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh!t!"
A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh!t."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh!t."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh!t is this?"

[Savage Beast]

Wait'll I tell you what I endured as a major in the MC!

[maxwell]

Lay it on me, dude... I dig USMC stories. If I'd been smart or had any cajones I'd a signed up ten years ago before I went and got old...

[cynicom]

Do I detect a tad of hostility towards the Air Farce??

[Truelove]

No offense, sir, but as a Corporal.......!!

[maxwell]

Naw... One of my good buds is in the Air Force, deployed overseas in September... Can't bash him too hard. Though it does seem like he spends an inordinate amount of time sitting around on his a$$. He's a good kid though.

[Destructor]

The Marines...the few...the proud...the dead on the beach!!!

[Semper]

Worth a chuckle. You gave the Air Farce too much slack though.

[Destructor]

Question: How is a Marine like a Banana?

Answer: He starts out green, turns yellow with age, and dies with the rest of the bunch!

[Destructor]

Question: How do you kill a Marine?

Answer: Throw sand on the wall and yell "Hit the beach!"

[stylin19a]

Combined nite excersizes in the field. Army & Air Force & MARINE sargeants sitting around the fire arguing which branch of service has the most guts.

Air Force sgt. yells to one of his: "Private, stick this bayonet into the palm of your hand". Private does it without a sound. AF sgt. says " that takes guts"

Army sgt. yells to one of his: "Private stick your hand in this fire for one minute" Private does it, without a sound. Army Sgt. says "that really takes guts !"

MARINE sgt. yells at one of his: "Private, stick your D$ck in this fire for 5 minutes". Private yells back "Get stuffed, Sarge !" MARINE Sgt. says "Gentlemen, THAT is guts "!

Semper Fi. USMC - 1969-1971

[Savage Beast]

At ease, man. It's been thirty years, and I've been through God knows how many incarnations since--businessman, hippy, doctor, lazy no-good worthless bum, musician--to mention a few of the mentionable ones, but that was one of the richest and greatest experiences of many, many rich and great ones!

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

This sounds like your kind of thread...... go easy on them Cobby! lol

[Ajnin]

Marines don't die unless they have permission to die.

[Severa]

Thanks a bunch for posting this *s* I can list off at least one family member for each armed service except Marine (insert your own comment on Marines here cause I won't).

My husband is now an STS3(SS) (meaning submarine sonar tech, third class) currently on 6 month deployment. Articles like this are always welcome to see, a little something to lighten the mood here at FR is always good.

[Destructor]

"Marines don't die unless they have permission to die."

That figures!

[300winmag]

My version:

Army grunt, loaded with weapon and ruck, standing in a pouring rain: THIS SUCKS!

Airborne, same situation: THIS SUCKS, BUT I LOVE IT!

Ranger, in even a worse downpour: SURE WISH IT WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE!

Army aviator, looking down from his helicopter: SURE LOOKS LIKE IT SUCKS DOWN THERE.

Air Force EM, sitting in the day room: CABLE TV IS OUT! THIS SUCKS!!!

[freefly]

I've got one similar to that hanging on my cube wall:

Infantry (standing in downpour, covered with poncho) "This sucks."
Airborne (raining hard, wading in water up to waist, rifle at ready) I LIKE the way this sucks.
Ranger (raining hard, water up to neck, chomping on rattlesnake) I wish it would suck even MORE.
Army Aviation (leaning out cockpit) Boy it looks like it sucks down there.
Air Force (rain outside window, sitting in easy chair, tv remote in hand) What!? The cable's out! This sucks!

[Scuttlebutt]

A retired Navy Chief and a retired Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant were sitting at the stag bar arguing about which had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Iwo Jima, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out two enemy machine gun positions with grenades. I was wounded and evacuated to the States where I spent 7 months in the hospital."

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea with Chesty Puller at the Chosin Reservoir. I made the long march to Hung Nam and later landed at Inchon. I spent two years in combat under constant enemy fire. I was wounded again and awarded a Bronze Star for saving my Company Commander."

"Finally, as a Gunnery Sergeant I had two back-to-back combat tours in Vietnam with the Infantry. I humped through the mud and razorgrass for up to 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, dodging sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. I was involved in more firefights than I can count where we fired until our ammunition was gone and then charged the enemy with bayonets. When I retired from the Corps I was awarded 80% disability by the Veterans Administration."

Looking straight ahead the old Chief said nothing. Then, after a deliberately long, slow drink, he retorted "It figures...all friggin' shore duty!"

[THROW?]

Plane calls tower and says what time is it? Tower says who are you? Pilot says why does that matter? Tower says well,

if you are in the airforce, it is 3 o'clock.

if you are in the navy, it is 6 bells

if you are in the army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3

if you are in the marines, it is Thursday afternoon.