Posted on 12/27/2001 2:49:13 PM PST by Hotline
The first woman elected to the U.S. Senate, Hattie Caraway of Arkansas, devoted much of her early political career in the 1930s to a bill that would have made airlines lend each passenger a parachute.
The airlines lobbied her bill to death because no business wants to suggest to customers that anything could ever go wrong. But different times call for different thinking and maybe we should revive some of that pre-New Deal rugged individualism.
Whoever said "if you want something done right, do it yourself" probably wasn't thinking of air safety. But that incident in Boston last week - when a passenger tried to ignite explosives in his shoes - shows that ground security sure isn't getting the job done.
Or consider the earlier case in Atlanta, where a passenger ran down an "up" escalator and stalled air traffic all over the east coast for several hours. Buried deep within news stories was the fact that the security guard at the top of the stairs was 73 - some poor guy supplementing his Social Security by nodding and saying "buh-byeee" to passengers as they were disgorged out into the wilds of Atlanta.
There must be some 73-year-olds who'd make good guards. But why not put Barney Fife at the bottom of the stairs, where people are entering the area you want to protect?
Currently, Paris police and American Airlines officials are arguing over who's to blame for letting the hotfoot hijacker board that flight to Miami last week. But you don't have to engage in any ethnic profiling to detect a few odd things about a man from Sri Lanka named Richard C. Reid.
His British passport was only three days old and had been issued in Belgium, where document forgers are said to outnumber watch makers and chocolatiers. It was reported that he checked no baggage for a 16-day trip. His contact address was a European tourist agency that was closed for Christmas and he had been refused boarding on Friday - but hey, no problem!
In the United States, airline pilots have petitioned federal regulators to let them carry guns (any bets that some aren't doing it already?) and Congress wants to put armed marshals aboard flights. As demonstrated in the Boston case, where a pro basketball player and some other passengers subdued the mysterious Mr. Reid, passengers are ready to take things into their own hands.
Maybe airlines can make a virtue out of necessity. Instead of diverting our attention to the plush surroundings, that terrific food and movies specially selected for the seven people who have not yet seen "Curly Sue" or "My Dog Skip," they ought to promote do-it-yourself safety in the skies.
Instead of touting "the friendly skies," they could advertise, "We kick some ass, and it shows." Instead of anonymous sky marshals, why not provide free seats to the World Wrestling Federation?
Would you start anything on a plane if you saw some big bald guy with no shirt in first class - wearing sunglasses, a feather boa and glittery stretch pants as he signed and vetoed acts of the Minnesota Legislature?
When Congress reconvenes, it should immediately pass legislation requiring the posting of signs in all airports that say, "Passengers proceeding beyond this point are presumed to know that any suspicious activity aboard air carriers, interference with flight crews or 'jokes' about bombs or hijacking will result in a truly first-class ass kicking."
Flight attendants could include a standard advisory in those chirpy little welcome-aboard greetings, with all warm little inflections designed to make information about oxygen tanks and emergency exits sound adventurous.
"In the unlikely event that the captain should illuminate the ass-kicking light, passengers in designated 'kicker' seats will be asked to proceed immediately to the 'kickee' passenger, whose seat number will be displayed on your console," they might say. "Your flight attendants are now pointing to the locations of extra seat belts for restraining passengers we find it necessary to punch out. In such an emergency - I mean 'occurrence' - face masks containing a sedative gas will drop from the overhead compartment at the seat of the person being beaten up.
"At your leisure, we invite you to look through your in-flight magazine for the names and faces of people who are not terrorists, but whom we believe deserve a good beating anyway. These include Adam Sandler, that guy in the Dell computer TV commercials and skiers who stuff all their gear in the overhead compartments.
"If you are in a butt-kicker seat and do not wish to - or suspect you are unable to - open a major can of whup-ass on passengers seated immediately in front of or behind you, please notify the cabin attendant and request re-seating in our wuss section.
"Passengers are reminded that unauthorized whacking is strictly prohibited and that lavatories, galleries and lounge areas of your Boeing 767 are equipped with special commotion detectors. Disabling, tampering with or vandalizing these devices may result in fines and imprisonment - plus, it's a good way to get smacked upside the head.
"As always, when the captain extinguishes the 'kick his butt' light, all passengers are required to cease butt-whipping activities and return the whipee to his original upright and locked position for landing."
Contact Bill Cotterell at (850) 599-2243 or bcotterell@taldem.com.
ROTFLMAO
Pursuant to new legislation, all commercial airliner seats, in addition to the required personal flotation device, will be equipped with a Colt .45 semi-auto pistol.
A demonstration in its proper use will be required in addition to the currently required "seat belt latch" demonstration.
A lock box with 500 rounds of .45 caliber ammunition will be positioned at the front and aft section of each aircraft.
In the event of an emergency event, the flight attendents will be required to supply ammunition to friendly passengers for the intent of eliminating the threat on the aircraft.
Each aircraft will be required to have in storage at least two, full sized body bags in addition to the currently required portable oxygen canisters and heart defibillators.
Any airline not complying with the aforementioned regulations will be fined, in an amount not to exceed, $5,000 per day, per incident.
By order of,
ASTM366, FAA Administrator - Houston, Texas
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.