Merry Christmas: Here's a vault of Klinton Jokes

The Humor Vault ^ | now | various

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

collect them all . . . more to come.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Today, the Office of Personnel Management for the federal government announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees.

There will be two less holidays in Washington D.C. next year.

Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled. The witch is moving to New York and she's taking the turkey with her.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St. Peter says. "I'm not very busy today, so why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is so. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that." St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Once Bill Clinton visited an elementary school to talk to a group of third graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident." Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, yes. But, can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"

And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning, and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said, "Yes, ma'am, they are. They're democrats."

Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on.

So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, "Only two left ma'am, and they're both republicans."

Hillary quickly sneered and said, "But the other day, you said the puppies were democrats."

The boy replied, "Well, yes ma'am. But since then, they've opened their eyes."

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Excerpts from Barbara Walter's latest Monica Lewinsky interview:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming."

"I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."

[Reaganesque]

Good stuff!! Here's one:

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

[aaaDOC]

President Bill Clinton lands in Washington, and leaves the helicopter.

Under each arm, the President has a small pig.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, but has a puzzled look on his face.

The President notes the puzzled look and asks, "What is the matter?"

The Marine says, "Well, Sir, I notice you have a pig under each arm..."

The President interrupts him and says, "These are not just pigs. These are full blooded razorbacks. I got them for Hillary."

The Marine responds, "Nice trade, sir."
 

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replied, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walked away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and said, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

This is an historic Christmas. For the first time in eight years, Santa can ignore the Executive Order that he send his list of all girls who were naughty this year to the President.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were recently in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle was the winner! He was the only one of the three who knew that "harass" was one word.

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When President Bill Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I've never had one."

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Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

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Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Personally, I think he got ripped off.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Clinton died and went to heaven - Or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"So," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex. But you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation, St. Peter replied, "Okay, here's the deal: We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[MosesKnows]

Bill Clinton goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy Hillary the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter offers several outfits.

"This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says Bill.

"This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

Clinton goes back to the Whitehouse and shows it to Hillary, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." Hillary goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that Bill won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So Hillary comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

Bill says under his breath, "you'd think for $500 they'd at least iron the damn thing."

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. As the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the field.

When Bill sat down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch."

[alyssa_conservative]

"They're pretty sure bin Laden's dressed up as a woman and twice he's been mistaken for Janet Reno." —David Letterman

"In Washington, it turns out there are still traces of anthrax in the Senate office building. Wouldn't it be ironic if, after all these years of living with Bill, Hillary winds up catching something from the Senate." —Jay Leno

"President Bush had some minor surgery. ... I understand the lesions have been taken to a secure, undisclosed location. But isn't it refreshing to have a president who has lesions on the upper part of his body." —Jay Leno

"Bush announced he's pulled out of the 1978 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. ... I think this is the biggest thing a president has pulled out of since Monica" —David Letterman

"Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it." —Jay Leno

"A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he's going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner." —Jay Leno

"If only al Qaeda had invested all their money in Enron." —Cybersatirist Bob Hirschfeld

"One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken

[Keith]

Al Franken is a know-nothing jackass...other than that, some good stuff.

[Liz]

A woman called in a doctor, her uncle was very sick.

The doctor examined the patient and said, " I'm afraid his brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

The woman was devastated.

" My heavens, she cried out, " I had no idea we had a Democrat in the family."

[mountaineer]

Ah don't git it!!