Merry Christmas: Here's a vault of Klinton Jokes

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Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off.

He storms into his security staff's headquaters and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jumped up and raced for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "Oh my god, I feel so ... so betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. Well, what's the really bad news?"

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White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on; several VIP's were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask about the President's personal business.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

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One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her.

'Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."

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A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rollled down his window and asked, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replied, "The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

The officer answered, "I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons."

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Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant. She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.

Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered, she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.

Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard?" You got me pregnant."

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

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Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would have sex with the President. Eighty-six percent said, "Not again."

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Today, the Office of Personnel Management for the federal government announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees.

There will be two less holidays in Washington D.C. next year.

Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled. The witch is moving to New York and she's taking the turkey with her.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St. Peter says. "I'm not very busy today, so why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is so. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that." St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."

Once Bill Clinton visited an elementary school to talk to a group of third graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident." Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, yes. But, can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"

And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning, and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said, "Yes, ma'am, they are. They're democrats."

Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on.

So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, "Only two left ma'am, and they're both republicans."

Hillary quickly sneered and said, "But the other day, you said the puppies were democrats."

The boy replied, "Well, yes ma'am. But since then, they've opened their eyes."

Excerpts from Barbara Walter's latest Monica Lewinsky interview:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming."

"I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."

President Bill Clinton lands in Washington, and leaves the helicopter.

Under each arm, the President has a small pig.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, but has a puzzled look on his face.

The President notes the puzzled look and asks, "What is the matter?"

The Marine says, "Well, Sir, I notice you have a pig under each arm..."

The President interrupts him and says, "These are not just pigs. These are full blooded razorbacks. I got them for Hillary."

The Marine responds, "Nice trade, sir."

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replied, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walked away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and said, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were recently in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle was the winner! He was the only one of the three who knew that "harass" was one word.

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When President Bill Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I've never had one."

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Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

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Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

Clinton died and went to heaven - Or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"So," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex. But you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation, St. Peter replied, "Okay, here's the deal: We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Bill Clinton goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy Hillary the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter offers several outfits.

"This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says Bill.

"This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

Clinton goes back to the Whitehouse and shows it to Hillary, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." Hillary goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that Bill won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So Hillary comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

Bill says under his breath, "you'd think for $500 they'd at least iron the damn thing."

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

"They're pretty sure bin Laden's dressed up as a woman and twice he's been mistaken for Janet Reno." —David Letterman

"In Washington, it turns out there are still traces of anthrax in the Senate office building. Wouldn't it be ironic if, after all these years of living with Bill, Hillary winds up catching something from the Senate." —Jay Leno

"President Bush had some minor surgery. ... I understand the lesions have been taken to a secure, undisclosed location. But isn't it refreshing to have a president who has lesions on the upper part of his body." —Jay Leno

"Bush announced he's pulled out of the 1978 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. ... I think this is the biggest thing a president has pulled out of since Monica" —David Letterman

"Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it." —Jay Leno

"A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he's going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner." —Jay Leno

"If only al Qaeda had invested all their money in Enron." —Cybersatirist Bob Hirschfeld

"One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken

A woman called in a doctor, her uncle was very sick.

The doctor examined the patient and said, " I'm afraid his brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

The woman was devastated.

" My heavens, she cried out, " I had no idea we had a Democrat in the family."

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