Posted on 12/20/2001 4:39:20 AM PST by frmrda
Question for Freeper Parents - My wife and I have a 3 year old who is beginning to explore his boundaries. As with every child that includes doing what he is told not to, throwing fits of rage when he doesn't get his way, etc. My wife and I beleive he is now old enough to be spanked when he does not listen and starts trying to do his own thing.
However, my wife, who was not spanked as a child, brought up an interesting question. My son is in the stage where he sometimes shows anger by hitting. We always tell him this is wrong and punish him for it. What do we tell him when he asks why it is OK for us to spank him, but not OK for him to hit.
Granted the right answer to this is "Because I'm the parent". That would be explanation enough for an older child to understand but I don't think a a 3 year old (who is very perceptive) will comprehend that explanation. When I was spanked I never asked that question, mainly out of fear. But it is a good question. Now mind you, this will not stop me from spanking but I just want to see if anyone else had this dilema and how it was solved.
And for all you anti-spanking Nazi's I'm not abusing my son. He will be told before being spanked why he's getting it, will only get one swat on the butt (my father told me when I was older that if you give the kid more than one swat you are doing it for yourself, and not for the education of the child, which is the purpose), and after it is over I tell him I love him and did it because he had to learn a lesson.
Any responses. Thanks in advance.
YOU are the parent. THEY are the child. All that "hitting" gooblygook is nonsense. He hits you because he gets away with it. You nip that in the bud now.
Spanking should only be used for direct disobedience. It is your ace in the hole.
Learned behavior from daycare? TV? Cartoons? They immitate what they see. But it doesn't mean you should spare the rod, and rod doesn't refer to something you only strike with. A sheppards rod was used for guiding, directing.
Spanking will be used sparingly, as it will lose its effectiveness if used often.
The good thing is we both know this is only a stage he's going through, as do all kids. Luckily we're trying to nip it in the bud because it could have bad consequences later if we don't.
I'm a firm believer in a hard swat on the butt for toddlers--but only if the child is flagrantly defying your authority. Anything else should be handled with time out, etc. It's very, very important that your toddler learn to respect your authority when he's small--otherwise, when he gets bigger it'll be too late. Learning to respect and accept legitimate authority is something that will help your child to be more successful in life. James Dobson has a great book on the subject. I believe it's called "Parenting isn't for Cowards." I think he has another one called "The Strong-Willed Child" also. There are reasons why the Bible says "spare the rod, spoil the child." Pain has a very purgative value on bad behavior and a bad attitude in a small child.
I had to spank my daughter on a regular basis between the ages of two and five--she was an unbelievably stubborn, contrary little girl!! After age five, I only needed to threaten her occasionally with a spanking (holding the paddle up in the air), and from then on, the possibility of a spanking was enough to cause her to accept my authority.
Sometime spanking can induce a full-fledged tantrum in a 3 year old--in which case, you dump him in his crib, close the door, and wait for him to come back to earth. Sometimes it would take my daughter 30 minutes to cry out her tantrum.
It's only been since baby boomers were children that anyone has ever questioned corporal punishment.
I don't believe in using belts, etc. Either use just a small paddle (for mom's--remember, the spanking needs to hurt, and a toddler is usually wearing thick diapers or training pants--LOL) or just the hand for dads(who don't need a paddle to make it hurt--LOL)
Having said all that, there are some children who are so sensitive that just glaring at them instantly humbles them into contrition and obedience. Those types of kids don't need to be spanked. My daughter was the other kind of kid--LOL.
You have to move up to flogging with a cat o' nine tails at that age. Putting them in stocks in your front yard is good for milder transgressions, such as their thinking about doing something wrong.
Hope this helps!
Say, "Because we know the answer to that question!"
And at 3, telling him not to hit "because I said so..." is good enough. Though you could try to explain the difference between chastisement, and anger.
When my son was in the spitting stage, we used vinegar in his mouth to stop that. Now we use that for bad language. Works like a charm. A little bit on the finger is all you need.
When my daughter misbehaved, I'd take away a favorite book or toy for a period of time--usually a day--and leave it in plain sight. When she'd ask for it, I'd remind her why she lost her book or toy ("No, you can't have it because you tore Mommy's book") but without screaming at her that she was BAD. Even at three, she could figure that out. Spanking was saved for very rare occasions.
The other thing is consistency. If you continually threaten a child with discipline but fail to follow-through, you've also lost the game. At three, a child is old enough to realize that there are consquences to his/her actions. If a parent threatens continually but does nothing--or is inconsistent--the child never learns that 1) the parent sets the boundaries and 2) that there are either no consequences to the action OR he/she doesn't know what punishment, if any, he or she will get so the child is going to continue to challenge your authority. Threats just become background noise.
There is no "sparing the rod". I don't spank because of what the Bible says, I would do it to teach a lesson about what is acceptable and what is not.
In Iowa, the Supreme court ruled that if the intention is to inflict pain in an act of discipline, a minor injury such as a bruise is not abuse...but that is Iowa.
You cannot reason with a 3 year old. Their attention span is too short for timeouts to be affective. Spanking is an appropriate response to correct the childs behaviour provided it is done appropriately. As a parent of 4 kids, I suggest that you try to not act angry when spanking. If you are mad, (or furious), WAIT until YOU calm down. If too much time has elapsed, however, the child may not connect the discipline with the bad behaviour.
Warn the child first. If you are mad, count to ten or twenty and remind yourself to calm down. Spank once on the bottom with an open hand. Preferrably, the spank should sound worse than it feels. If it is really bad behaviour or a repeat within a few minutes a second or third spank may be required.
Once you;ve gone past a third spank, you start going over the boundries of what some chipld protection people would consider reasonable discipline. You may want to remove the child from the situation completely.
Finally, if you do the job right at this age, the number of times you need to spank the child will decrease rapidly and be gone all together by the time the child is 6 or 7. By that age, spanking is rarely needed as the children usually know that parents mean business. Good luck and thanks for taking the responsibilty to be a parent, not a buddy. You can be buddies when your kids are adults.
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