I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

[plinker's2sense]

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[Gracey]

How do you say "bra" in German?

Holdem from floppin

[TopQuark]

Sorry if you have already heard this one. Warning: long.

This poor Jewish tailor is working day and night, for moths on end, and still cannot make ends meet.

One day, as he is sitting in his shop, he feels he is about to loose hope and prays to G-d.
”Dear G-d,” he says, “I do not know what else to do: I work day and night --- not for myself but for my family, for, as you know, you gave me three wonderful daughters, for whom I am yet to find husbands. I work hard but cannot even buy them decent cloths; we barely have enough to eat. Please help me.”

As he is about to go back to his work, he hears a voice that says: “Wide lapels.”

Thinking this may be a sign from G-d, the tailor makes the next suit with wide lapels and sells it in just a few minutes. He makes all his suits with wide lapels, and his business picks up. He buys new dresses for his daughters and feels happier.

Remembering the source of this change, he speaks to G-d and thanks him for all the support that G-d gave him. As he is about to go back to work, the tailor hears a voice that says: “Pastel colors.”

From that night on, the tailor makes all dresses in pastel colors, and they sell really well. So well that he is able to marry off his daughters and even hire help for his shop.

He is still working long hours and one night hears: “Pleated skirts.” He follows that advice as well and becomes really, really rich. Being humble and pure of heart, he remembers to whom he owes all of this.

Working in his store one day, he prays and speaks to G-d thus: “Dear G-d, I was asking you to help my family, and you bestowed upon me more that I asked for. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am. You know that I honored you all my life, but allow me now to express my gratefulness futher. I would like everyone to know to whom I owe all of my luck. I would like to rename my store from “Guzman and Co” to “G-d and Guzman.”

Of a sudden, he hears a thundering voice: “No, not “G-d and Guzman.” Name it “Lord and Taylor.”

[breakem]

Two gutys hiking. They look way ahead on the trail and see an angry grizzly coming in their direction. On guy turns to run and he notices the other guy taking off his hiking boots and putting on his running shoes. The guy says what are you doing, you can't out run that bear. The other guy says, I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to out run you.

[Mikey]

Now that's good!

[evilsmoker]

What did one gerbil say to the other gerbil outside the door of a gay bar? Want to go in and get sh**faced??

[Mikey]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANAHA ROFLMAO.

[Mikey]

Whatta ya get when ya put a native American in a car with Monica Lewinsky?

A blown ingine.

[kjb]

During his Sunday morning sermon on the wonders of God's Words, the preacher stated, "There is not one subject that is not covered in the Bible". A young woman seated in the rear raised her hand and asked, "How about PMS?" The preacher thought for a moment then proclaimed "Why yes, even PMS." Opening the Bible, he began to read "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[StACase]

What three words does a woman not want to hear from her husband during orgasm?

WHITE TEXT

WHITE TEXT

WHITE TEXT

WHITE TEXT

"Honey, I'm Home!"

[SerpentDove]

[Silly]

A group of blonds was sitting around a table in a bar, doing shots. Every time they did a shot, they yelled, "25 days!"

This continued for a while, until someone got curious and asked them what they were celebrating.

"We found a puzzle, and on the box it said 'Two to four years.' But we worked on it together and finished it in only 25 days!"

[Gracey]

The Ex-President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

LMAO Too funny!!!!

[SharonLorraine]

hahaha Glad you liked that one. I had the same reaction when I heard it :)

[Cool Guy]

You are welcome. I laugh everytime I read it :)

[ChemistCat]

Thanks everybody. I have flooded my Dad's email box with these. She is less woozy but in more pain today. Apparently during surgery they inserted a live hedgehog with rabies into her hip joint (I suspect they just wrenched it around a lot) and she's more miserable from that than from the knee. She says they aren't giving her enough pain meds. I can believe that. ANYWAY, I REALLY appreciate what you all have done for my Mom. As she gets to feeling better, I know she'll heal faster for all of these jokes--far, far more jokes than I ever expected!

[SAMWolf]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

[Graewoulf]

A Penguin is black and white.

[Hotline]

My all-time personal favorite:

A man walks into a cafe for breakfast.

Waitress: Hey, honey, what'll you have?

Man: What's the special?

Waitress: Today's special is Cow Tongue.

Man: Yuck! I'm not eating anything that came outta another living creature's mouth. Just gimme a couple of eggs.