OK, I believe in the Trinity, the innerrant Scriptures, the Second Coming and the historic Christian faith as summarized in the four great Creeds.
I do not believe in the fevered apocalyptic hysteria that periodically plagues the people of God. Especially the innovative dispensational flavor that looks for such imbecilities as a half-hearted, half-assed half-way hemi-demi-semi parousia, a "coming 1.5" that no one dreamed of before the 1840s. Such nonsense has the following baneful effects:
Nobody holds dispensationalism as a doctrine. It is not essential to the faith and most of the effective missionary work and preaching of the Gospel is now done by Evangelicals who are probably at least mildly dispensational. All of your bigotry is simply a product of your own prejudice. You are wrong wrong wrong.
You can add
Which we know is the fake one. Satan is incredibly intelligent (and desguised as an angel of light, lets not forget), so while the American Christian community (again, lets not forget that the rest of the Christian world by and large doesn't buy this false teaching) expects a rapture, Satan will be glad to give 'em one when he appears as AC.