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Shallow Thoughts
11/20 | Heartlander

Posted on 11/19/2001 8:16:45 PM PST by Heartlander

I think it’s good to take time out to laugh at the little things that happen around us in everyday life. Nobody understood that when I saw them drop the casket though. I still think grandma would have.

Kids shouldn’t do drugs. When I was young I didn’t do drugs. Sure we used to set cats on fire and watch them run through the corn fields, but hey, we were kids.

I wouldn’t live next to or eat with anyone who is prejudice. They might seem normal sometimes but I feel they are sub-human and destroying our society. I hate them.

I don’t believe people should be judged by their race or religion, they should be judged by a jury comprised of different races and religions.

I’m a nonconformists and I had it my way everyone would be a nonconformist.

There are a lot of time I feel that I don’t understand what all the people around me are saying. It has gotten so bad that I’ve even considered leaving Germany and moving back to America.

I couldn’t believe my brothers would play a joke on me like that. It turned out those figures in the bushes were not wild turkeys at all but were actually my parents. Some Thanksgiving that turned out to be.

I don’t wear the pants in my house but I do wear my wife’s panties on my head when she let’s me.

I don’t know why children run away screaming every time they see me. It’s like they have never seen a grown man naked wearing a hockey mask before. I guess TV and moves aren’t doing their job preparing our youth for the real world.

I hate it when people call me cynical because they probably don’t even know what the word means.

You should only fight people who are real ugly because that way even if you get beat up pretty bad you can still say “Yeah, but you should see the other guy”.

I don’ t believe in reincarnation but I think I did in a previous life.

Normally I’m a peaceful person but put a gun in my hand and stick me in a room full of happy people, just laughing and carrying on like this world has no problems at all and....... Well, just look who’s laughing now. HA! HA! HA! HA!

As I stood there watching the ants work diligently in their little social structure, taking care of their young larva and storing food for the winter, I couldn’t help but to think how far we as humans had evolved. The ants are having to survive without any means of criminal incarceration, no lawyers, hell they don’t even have any psychiatrists. I giggled and thought “those stupid little ants” then sprinkled the poison over the mound.

What has society come to when people just stop and stare while driving in their car when they see people dying in a car wreck. These people make me sick. Don’t they know the news will film it and then they can watch it in the comfort of their own home.

Although I know it makes a father proud to see his son follow in his career path, I just can’t see becoming a disabled veteran.

I wonder exactly how long it took to come up with the concept of time.

You’d be surprised how much a hug and a little kiss can get you---------about 3 months in jail and a 5,000 dollar fine for sexual harassment.

If I could change the world I’d stop the decline of morals and values before it consumes us all. --- Oh yeah, I’d also make all the women wear tight leather skirts and carry whips. That would be cool.

I try to take in everything the media says with a grain of salt, which is probably why my blood pressure is so high..

You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but I have found that’s not true with pornographic magazines......Hey! Now this looks like some good reading.

Don’t ever get into a burping contest after eating a big bowl of mashed potatoes.

While getting an examination, I asked my proctologist how everything looked and he gave me two thumbs up.

A friend of mine recently got hit by a car thus ending his life in the fast lane.

I guess the thing I like the most about cold weather is being able to tell when people fart by those little puffs of smoke coming from their butts.

If you can’t beat them join them. But if you can’t beat them or join them, just face it, you’re a loser man.

To me falling in love is like wetting your pants. Sure it gives you a nice warm feeling and everything, but hey, who wants to go out with a guy that wets his pants.

People are always sending me letters telling me that I shouldn’t believe everything I read.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.....Unless your throwing them at that idiot who rented you a stupid glass house.

You should not criticize people that you don’t understand....And you should not stand under people you have already criticized.

I would probably play sports and might even be good at them if they had games where nobody loses and you didn’t have to do much of anything.

When I was young I used to love the stories adults would tell that started out “I remember when I was your age...” because that meant I didn’t have to pay any attention to them and could think about things important to me.

I have never understood the point of realizing something after it is too late……. No wait.... Oh well..

Whenever I’m bored I usually try to find something constructive I can do. Then I lay back on the couch and try to figure out some way that I can trick someone into doing it for me.

I still remember the day I shot myself in the head. It was a Tuesday. I don’t remember what time it was, or the year, or even my name. That’s not important though. I hate Tuesdays.

I thought maybe I should come up with some original ideas but then I thought, look at how many people have already done that.

I hate it when people ask me really stupid questions that they already know the answers to. Don’t you?

If I was to live in an anarchist government my favorite game would probably be follow the leader.

My wife says she will always remember our wedding day for the rest of her life. Man, talk about holding a grudge.

I think I can stop time. The only problem is I don’t know for how long.

Alcohol can make you do some stupid things. At least that’s what I told the cop when he asked me why I was speeding. Boy, was that stupid.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, lust is in the holder of the behind, and pollen is in the hind of the bee. I think that pretty much says it all.

I think all people who pass judgement on others based on one thing and one thing only are morons.

Is it OK if I ask rhetorical questions? And if so, you don’t have to answer.

Somewhere along the way I think we lost the true meaning of the holidays. It’s not about getting gifts and stuffing our faces with food. It’s about sitting around the table with our families and watching your uncle get drunk and yell at your father for all of those stupid thing that he did.

A fun trick to play on children when your at a swimming pool is to tell them that the stripes at the bottom of the pool smell like peppermint.

A lot of people don’t realize how cruel it is to shove a lit fire cracker up a cats butt until you actually show them.

When I was young and things just didn’t seem to be going my way, my Grandfather would look at me, smile and say “life is like a rollercoaster”. I never totally understood what he meant by that until I went to the fair and stood in line for three hours. When I finally reached the front of the line the rollercoaster broke down. Wow, I thought, life is nothing more than waiting and disappointment. What a wise old man.

You should always carry thin air in your pocket just in case you need to vanish into something.

I think someone should come up with a movie called De Ja Vu and then come out with a sequel and just show the same movie.

If someone ran up with a partially filled glass containing enough neuro toxin to wipe out the entire population and demanded that somebody tell him if they thought the glass was half full or half empty, you would have to wonder what the optimist would say.

The problem with the world is that a problem isn’t a problem until it’s a problem.

A fun joke to play on children is to get a big slab of beef and tie it to the back of your car with a leash. Then drive around to different neighborhoods asking children if they have seen your dog anywhere.

When it comes to cooking my wife is quite the comedian. Everything she makes tastes funny.

Sure the world might be a better place if we treated our fellow man as our neighbor. But realistically wouldn’t we all just be overly concerned about each others lawn.

Why is it always someone else’s’ responsibility to hold somebody responsible for their own actions.

When people tell me that they find me annoying I can’t help but ask them why. Usually they don’t answer so then I yell it two or three times “Why! Why! Why!” Then I make a whinny nasal sound and poke them in their eye.

I wish I had a twin brother that nobody knew about because just think of the fun I could have at his funeral.

I always thought it would be cool if I could prove mathmatically that my algebra teacher was a dork.

I think nonconformists should organize, elect a leader, and set guidelines so they would be recognized as a group rather than individuals.

One time I enrolled in a self help group to stop gambling even though I knew their success rate was only 1 in 6. Oh well, I just felt lucky.

A large portion of all of our lives is spent try to make others see things as uniquely as we do - or at least, that’s the way I see it.

I drink, where for I am?

One time my mind started playing tricks on me so I thought up a plan to get even but some how it already knew.

A lot of people think that the way I make fun of mentally unstable people is cruel...Well, that’s just too bad. They are my family and I’ll talk about them any way I want to.

Stupidity comes in many forms, but I think my favorite is the processed cheese form cause “Nacho’s is good!”.

It’s like my father always told me: Even if you hang bare ass naked from a flag pole and fart the National Anthem, people will still fail to recognize true genius.

If I won the lottery I’d either start my own business or try to figure out some get rich quick scheme.

I lump all people who stereotype into one group and I call them the “stereotypical people”. I hope one day they will understand unity in diversity, whatever that means.

TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
On vacation – too much time… It is good to step back and laugh though…Wrote most of these a long time ago – added a few.
1 posted on 11/19/2001 8:16:45 PM PST by Heartlander
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To: Heartlander
OK - I've got one for you.

Q: Why did God give Monica one more brain cell than a cow?
A: So she wouldn't $hit all over when Bill played with her tits.

2 posted on 11/19/2001 8:40:23 PM PST by 11B3
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To: 11B3
Wow! I feel more like I do now than I did before!
3 posted on 11/19/2001 8:52:55 PM PST by Randy Larsen
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To: Heartlander
For a while there I believed in reincarnation, but now I'm back to my old self again.
4 posted on 11/19/2001 8:56:30 PM PST by ZOOKER
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To: Heartlander; Registered; Walkingfeather
Did you really write these? They are great. You must be Jack Handey Jr....
5 posted on 11/20/2001 2:53:20 AM PST by sonserae
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To: Heartlander
Wrote most of these a long time ago – added a few.
You should have left off the new ones you added.
6 posted on 11/20/2001 3:16:17 AM PST by philman_36
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To: Silly; dead
7 posted on 11/20/2001 5:50:40 AM PST by Registered
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To: Heartlander
LOL! I'm gonna try that swimming pool one on my neice and nephews this summer.
8 posted on 11/20/2001 6:34:37 AM PST by dead
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To: Heartlander
I am going to live in the now -- starting tomorrow.
9 posted on 11/20/2001 5:21:52 PM PST by Nea Wood
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To: Heartlander
I'm special just like everyone else.
10 posted on 11/20/2001 5:33:06 PM PST by Damocles
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To: Heartlander
Thanks for the laughs!
11 posted on 11/20/2001 6:02:47 PM PST by FrdmLvr
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To: Heartlander
Isn't it ironic how the very people you want to see the irony of an issue, don't get it.

Just today I was talking to the ex-wife of a cop (ex- because he was abusive), and the topic turned to gun control. She felt no one should have guns but cops.

12 posted on 11/20/2001 6:41:22 PM PST by meadsjn
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To: Heartlander
This needs a bump.
13 posted on 11/21/2001 9:12:38 AM PST by BibChr
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To: Heartlander
thanks, but i did detect a typo. you said that you set cats on fire. that is terrible. i know that you meant to say that you set democrats on fire.
14 posted on 11/21/2001 9:20:30 AM PST by mlocher
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To: Heartlander


Sympathy bumpkin.

15 posted on 05/15/2004 3:00:33 PM PDT by tpaine (In their arrogance, a few infinitely shrewd imbeciles attempt to lay down the 'law' for all of us.)
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