Posted on 11/13/2001 11:35:53 AM PST by Brian_Baldwin
Santa Claus seen Cutting off His Beard in Kabul
"I'm a Christian . . . so they arrested me for practicing my religion in Afghanistan," said the portly, bearded man. But why Afghanistan? asked one local barber. "There are children here, just as there are children everywhere in the world," he said. "They have wishes . . . I tried to explain to the Taliban, that I'm making a list and checking it twice, that this kind of religion is for every child everywhere, no matter what faith . . . but he called me a Capitalist pig." What happened? asked the barber who started to trim off the jolly mans beard. "They said I won't be needing my sleigh, since it isn't snowing yet. They said they will be using if for the infantry who are going to invade Russia, to transport Pakistanis who support Jihad across Afghanistan and on to Moscow. They took my sleigh, and though they treated me badly, I think what saved me was my beard. They were very interested in it. They even measured it with a ruler which I noticed was made in the former Soviet Union."
Yes, said the barber - the beard has to be a certain length, or else they shoot you. "Bullets can't stop me . . . only hate. I knew these people needed a lot of help, so I figured they don't want me to leave anyway, I'd sort of stay for a while and see what I can do for the children . . . terrible, these evil men, what they would do to the children . . . and they all had beards, like me. So now that they ran away, I figured I would cut my beard off" . . .
There was a long line at the barber. Everyone who was anyone, was cutting off and trimming their beards . . . dancing in the streets of Kabul, now that the Taliban has run away. "I was interviewed by an ABC reporter. He wanted to know how many civilians were killed . . . for some reason I guess he thought I was Taliban, because of my beard or something. 'You must be a General' he said to me, 'because of your red uniform.'"
"This guy then gets on the radio to ABC and reports how the 'Taliban are standing strong against the Northern Alliance' and the went on a two minute report about civilian casualties, basically trying to tell everyone how bad the USA is and how the Northern Alliance doesn't have a chance. When I heard him talk about the Northern Alliance, that's when I figured it out, that's he must be talking about me. So I told him, 'I'm part of the Northern Alliance . . . every time about this year, me and my associates come down from the North and fly into the towns and villages'. He then told me that the Taliban is going to 'kick my ass, the US is going to learn a lesson just like in Vietnam'."
"I told him that as part of the Northern Alliance, we even go to Vietnam, and give children toys . . . but there are little men there with little red stars on their caps and they give us a lot of trouble. I told this ABC guy, that I don't have anything against little me who wear little red stars - my own helpers are also little men who sometimes also wear little red stars, sometime yellow stars, golden, silver, even green stars." What did the reporter say to that? asked the barber. "Well, he was sort of confused, and asked that he thought we were dropping food packets, not toys. 'Oh no', I told him, we are dropping toys."
"I just ran into that same reporter a couple hours ago . . . he didn't look very happy, and asked me if I had seen or heard of any reports about whether the Northern Alliance is committing 'atrocities' against any Taliban soldiers. I told him, I don't know, but I'm sure glad those Taliban creeps ran away, because I got to make a list a check it twice. He wasn't happy, and he said, 'if you hear of anything, even if it's just rumor, let me know . . . what kind of list is the Northern Alliance making?' The ABC reporter then gets on some radio and tells someone, the Northern Alliance is making lists of persons in Kabul to execute without trial . . . 'there making a list, and checking it twice' he says."
"So, I tell this guy he isn't on my list, and boy is he happy. I tell him I'm going to cut my beard off, because those creepy Taliban liked my beard, but I don't like them. I told that creep at ABC, I got my sleigh back, and will be flying with the Northern Alliance on to Kandahar, there's kids waiting for me there."
How did you get your sleigh back? asked the barber. "Well, I wanted to check if my bags in the sleigh still had my rigs and stuff . . . I go over to the Taliban headquarters, and they are all running away and getting in little pickup trucks and heading out. My sleigh is there, in the parking lot. I told one of the Taliban creeps, if you get a good parking spot at the headquarters, you've probably shown up on the wrong day. He measures my beard, and then rides off in a pickup. That was when I decided that I'd cut my beard off, that, and when I noticed these creeps stole all my stuff I had in the bags."
Yes, said the barber - they stole everything from us, too.
The Taliban is now saying, that perhaps they are willing to meet with the Alliances halfway, said the barber. "Well, if the man says he is willing to meet you halfway, he is usually a poor judge of distance. These guys carry around some picture of this guy, they showed it to me often. 'Been Law Dean' they would tell me. This guy really makes me mad, I think he is trying to dress up like me or something, but he doesn't have any sense for fashion. They tell me, the guy is living in a cave, and that's when I got arrested by these creeps, when I told them their Santa Claus really ought to wear some red woolens instead of those stupid pajamas to keep warm. I told them, it must be difficult to try and soar with eagles when you work with turkeys, and I got to get moving along since I got a lot of things to get done before Christmas."
"They arrest me for being a Christian, and they put me in some cold room in a concrete building, but they couldn't hold me. There was a chimney in the lobby of that horrible place where some boss man sits around picking fleas from his beard. They take me out of the damp room and say they are going to torture me, but as they walk me through the lobby, I put my finger on the side of my nose, and giving a wink up the chimney I rose. I see these creeps running outside, and screaming and jumping, shooting guns in the air, yelling Allah and stuff, but I was already across the roof and down into the yard. They all start running away, even the boss man. From what I figured out, they were all starting to head out of town, anyway. That's when all the people and the children start coming out, and dancing, kissing, and cutting their beards off. I was so happy, I joined them. Then I got my sleigh back. So cut off my beard Mr. Barber, and Merry Christmas. I'll be back in December, I figure there will be a real Christmas in Kabul this year."
Merry Christmas to you, Mister, said the barber. The barber told the fat man as he cut off his beard, that a conference is being gathered of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 'But, don't worry', he said, 'we will take it from here. Come on by in December, and I'll trim your beard off again.'
Santa Claus is an Americanization of the German Sinter Klaus.
4th century: Among Christians, there is a near universal belief that St. Nicholas was a Bishop from Asia Minor, who died in the middle of the fourth century CE. However, according to religious historians, there is no evidence to indicate that St. Nicholas never existed as a human. In fact, there are quite a few indicators that he was simply a recycled Pagan god. Many other ancient Pagan gods and goddesses were similarly Christianized in the early centuries of Christianity. He seems to have been created out of legends attributed to the Greek god Poseidon, the Roman god Neptune, and the Teutonic god Hold Nickar. When the church created the persona of St. Nicholas, they adopted Poseidon's title "the Sailor." They seem to have picked up his last name from Nickar. Various temples of Poseidon became shrines of St. Nicholas. 27 St. Nicholas also adopted some of the qualities of "The Grandmother" or Befana from Italy. She was said to have filled children's stockings with gifts. Her shrine at Bari was also converted into a shrine to St. Nicholas.
Yes, but can they prove it?
ahhh fireworks. i love watching pieces of people fingers go flying everywhere on the 4th.
Was that double negative intentional?
Anyway, as far as I'm concerned there is no evidence to indicate that you ever existed as a human. You may be nothing more than a computer generated program from Killjoy.com, the same organization that's been spreading rumors about the Easter Bunny. I admit that I've never seen the real Santa or Rudolph but, over the years, I've got some really cool stuff from him .
"Santa" means "saint". "God" and "dog" use the same letters. Are they similar?
The devil is not in hell now. According to the Bible, he is here on earth until God casts him into hell at the end of times.
And he's not a little red cartoon man with a pitchfork and horns. The Bible says he appears as an angel of light. Personally, I think he wears a turban, has a long beard and is hiding in a cave now.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.