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"Mr. President, we are sorry to report that we captured that Son of A B----, ... er Osama Bin Laden, and while we were transporting him back to the United States, he was pushed, ... er fell overboard. While we were hiding, ... er searching for a lifejacket, the Bas----, ... er Mr. Bin Laden was lost and presumed drowned. For a while we were able to keep a rope, which was around his neck, ... er waist on him, but the sharks were swimming faster than our vessel, and somehow managed to get in a few bites, before the rope was let go, ... er broke. We expect to get the ship back up to full speed within the hour. We rejoice in, ... er regret the incident, but would like to add that our goons, ... er lawyers were able to beat the crap out of, ... er question him, and we do have a signed confession. Mysteriously, all of the other high ranking Taliban and Al Queda members that we captured received the same sentence, ... er jumped in to save their esteemed leader. It was an awesome, ... er awful sight to see. We expect to arrive back in Norfolk some time next week."