Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

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[SAMWolf]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

• Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

• Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[Lady Jag]

Minerva doesn’t bathe...She luxuriates.

She has company.

[trisham]

Oh! That is so adorable!

[MEG33]

They do seem to know.
;o)

[COBOL2Java]

[trisham]

LOL!

[strider44]

Or just skip the bath and drop the cat off at your local speedy wong’s and get a new clean one from the 5,000 that are at the local shelter.

[jaycee]

Just darling, L.J.!

[LucyT]

[Titan Magroyne]

Now, credit where credit is due, that's a good start ... ... but where's the extra length on either end for you to gather up
and deliver a good, wringing twist?

[nw_arizona_granny]

Good one, “Not your Good Kitty”, you can bet that is what the kitty is thinking.

[Professional Engineer]

bump myself

[Lady Jag]

[nw_arizona_granny]

Whenever Minerva has a bath she has blasts from the past. <<<

I would love to know what Minerva ‘sees’ in her mind.

Could she be thinking of how nice you were and the extra treats that she got after her last bath?

All these wet cats, reminds me of the first time I tried to give a Siamese cat a bath, read the book, I did, and I filled the tub and placed him in it.........and all hell broke loose.

Of course, I had chosen to bathe an old Siamese cat, who came up out of the canyon and after sampling the offerings of the neighborhood, choose my house and a friends across the street as home.

He used my sandbox and slept at my place, but went to Jackie’s for fun and games, if you walked in, he would speak to you, for he was in his ‘home’, on top of the refrigerator and he could watch it and the front door from there.

I may still have scars from that cat’s bath.

[nw_arizona_granny]

What a wonderful friend Silky is, there is nothing like love and caring.

You will enjoy this baby and it has been blessed by having found you.

Both are beautiful.

[MEG33]

That’s an old picture of Silky with a now adult Sassy..My youngest kitten is sleeping beside me..Silky tolerates her..will sleep on the bed with her but I haven’t seen any grooming yet..I know how Silky was with the 5 abandoned kittens when they were babies and hope that mothering instinct kicks in again.

My Silky is a great kitty and I think she enjoys watching the kittens play.

[Lady Jag]

...filled the tub and placed him in it.........and all hell broke loose.

Until a person's been there they cannot imagine what a deady buzz saw the cat becomes.

[Not A Snowbird]

Your link shows an eagle and I think the world trade center. I tried to post it for you but I didn’t get a cat picture.

[Centurion2000]

Why do people keep these little parasites anyway?

Because the little bastages kill EVERY insect that gets into the house. All those neat mosquitoes that have ever kept you up at night? GONE.

They're also immune to wasps stings and will play with one to death.

And then there are mice and other assorted little creatures that want to live with you. Cats kill a lot of little things.

[null and void]

[Not A Snowbird]

OMG! That’s horrifying!